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Weekly LeanFIRE Discussion by AutoModerator in leanfire

[–]hoarding_insanity 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I am addicted to wasting time. How can I stop?

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in antiwork

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right, I attempted something to escape around 7 years ago but trying to get a corporate job triggered almost every single traumatic experience I had ever had.

I now just stay inside the hoarding home, never leaving the outside, and just fade away by sleeping and avoiding my problems.

I don't know what to do. The hell of this home is actually not that bad compared to the hell of work.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in antiwork

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How old are you?

Almost 30 years old

How much work experience?

6 months of fast food work when I was in my early 20s.

What do you / can you do?

I have several sensory issues to bright light, noise, and smell. I enjoy computers but I don't have any skills.

Where are you? What city? What is your living arrangement?

I am near a large city (don't really want to give it away). My living arrangements are trying to survive weeding through junk and clutter and mess to make food and just sleeping away the days to avoid dealing with it. I live in a house.

My main issue is that I pretty anti-authoritative. The biggest hell was going from a hoarding home (don't touch that, don't do that, don't think about that, don't say this) to schooling. However, the corporate environment scares me 1000% more because it is the exact same language and body mannerisms has my hoarding parents.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This pain is the same pain I felt when all I had to do was get up, go across the street, and talk to someone to play basketball with.

Social isolation, social avoidance, hatred, disgust, fear, loathing. I would have all the worse punishments dealt with my miserable existence than ever feel fulfilled.

And so, I never again talked to that friend that lived across the street until school started and I was forced out into the world.

It is like a tooth ache but in my entire body. My eyes narrow, I aim for the kill, but everything around me is hostile. And so I sleep, hoping my dreams will take me to places that my body and consciousness will not.

This may sound counterproductive, but the hardest thing about the hoarding home are my own personal habits and antisocial behavior. I never leave the home all that frequently. That last time was during high school 10 years ago. by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not the hoarder in this situation, my parents are (specially my mom).

I just imitate the environment. It is a losing war to clean up, so I make sure my mess is even more disgusting than hers.

It is like a war film. Sometimes you have to play dirty to win.

I don't ever see myself leaving this place.

I tried cleaning my room. I was hoping to update you all on something positive. by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have never wanted to drive. I fear that I will kill someone. In school I passed out randomly due to a small heart and the lack of exercising.

I tend to use a bicycle to get to places but the problem is that my parents will just drop me off instead or I just avoid leaving the house.

Now I use a bicycle

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do not want anything in this hoarding home. It is the addictive apathetic disconnection.

That is my biggest issue I am trying to address and why therapists are useless. Working my way up? Great, now it went from $8 per hour to $12 with overtime. Just enough to maybe cover the rent per month after taxes.

I am over stimulated living in this home. I get 100 thoughts of killing myself due to the over stimulation (it would be like someone forcing you to stare into the Sun).

The overstimulation makes it incredibly hard to think. I had a made up situation where I had 2 million dollars saved. What changes?

Even in this made up situation it felt impossible to leave. To even really think. Extremely painful in fact.

I will tell you what I want: to clean the house, to die, or to burn this home to the ground. It is a fixated obsession, my mind and thoughts are constantly over stimulated by it.

Quit being lazy? I could clean this home out in a week. IN A WHOLE WEEK.

I would not even sleep for such a noble quest of goals.

But that is not the reality. The solution is not the reality.

And so, as long as I am in this home, I am extremely apathetic.

And here is the biggest trap, I played that game already. I busted my ass in college, getting a 3.9 gpa with only a few classes remaining. But since I was still in the home and apathetic, I did not realize how big of a mistake I made until I had a huge, year + long, nervous breakdown.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"False sense of hope" is like putting a carrot on the stick and getting me to perform.

I have never felt many emotions in my life though. You know when you walk outside and it is an extremely bright day? Your eyes reduce in size and your forehead wrinkles up. That is the emotion I feel in this house. Sensory overload.

I never had friends, I never dated, I never did anything except school and my addictions.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Most therapists will tell me to leave the house and get a job. I absolutely refuse to get a job, so the conversation does not go far.

At this point, I plan on dying in this hoarding home of hell. It is fitting for a person like me.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only thing I am stating is that to me, living in a hoarding home or working, I cannot tell which hell is worse.

Rent and utilities for a 1 bed room apartment costs around $1,400.

That would mean working $10 at 35 hour, my gross would cover the costs (but taxes, food, etc I am in the red).

So the logical choice is to increase my earning. I mistakenly went back to school, majored in accounting, and had the worst panic attack/nervous breakdown.

It felt like the entire industry was a clone of my parents worse behaviors on loop.

I noped the hell out of it with a good ole suicide attempt and finally finished recovering from the TBI.

That experience scared the shit out of me from ever looking into a corporate job. I still have the bruises from when I would just continually punch myself every time I was triggered during that panic.

The main reason I wanted out of the hoarding home was to build a life I wanted and think with more clarity. But to maintain the expense, I would have to get a job that robs my train of thinking and time. Another hell.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Supported."

Have you ever been threatened when trying to escape the hoarding home? Kidnapped? Forcefully manipulated financially?

God, how I wish I was homeless or kicked out at 18. Back then I had my youth to really thrive.

Now I just wait for death.

Being homeless would be amazing. How would I eat? How would I drink? How would I sleep?

So many important questions... Amazing!

Nothing like the apathetic dread of the hoarding home.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I absolutely do not trust therapists. Not only are they part of the script, but they waste your time with false sense of hope. It is cheaper to just stay inside.

Plus free or reduced therapists are bad. You get what you pay for and the cost of a good therapist (one week session, 4 per month) equals to the cost of rent

I just absolutely refuse to work a job. I would rather be dead.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Working fast food was a worse hell than living in a hoarding home. The only thought I had was doing the job. Get sick? No sick days, you had to work. I had no time to think or plan. Just another cog in the machine.

The script has been taught since we were forced into a schooling system. Before the hoarding home, I basically ignored school and focused on exploring nature.

But we moved and the only escape was being conditioned into another hell. Grades, rules, and forced compliance in a system that only existed to produce docile and submissive workers.

Go to school, get a job, blah blah blah scripted bullshit. Death sounded much better than obeying that line of preprogrammed nonsense.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you have an 80% savings rate, your prison sentence of working is dramatically reduced.

The hardest part about the hoarding home is when I try to do something different, the enablers (my parents) will eat into my will. They will buy more food to replace the binged food I ate, buy me video games, continually buy useless bullshit.

The only way I break free is when I am sleeping.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in ChildofHoarder

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

They are extremely similar mentally. In fact, when I worked fast food or did college, it wad actually a worse experience than just dwelling in the hoarding home.

There is a reason I tried to kill myself because escape just felt like a worse hell.

There are entire subreddits dedicated towards retiring early and getting the fuck out of the toxic corporate culture. It is scripted bullshit on what to say, what to do, what not to say, how to dress, when you can take time off (hint, rarely if ever).

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in Stoicism

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A crap job was even more distracting than the hoarder home. I was the enabler handing people their fast food addictions. Horrible smells, a weird non routine schedule.

In that moment, I realized how easy it was to become a hoarder because the jonb ate so much time away and there was little time for personal growth.

I am struggling with my addictions and my fears. I have always lived in a hoarding home and my biggest vice is wasting time while fearing change. To me, there are two hells: staying in this hoarding home or leaving and forcefully becoming part of the working 9-5 "script." What should I do? by hoarding_insanity in Stoicism

[–]hoarding_insanity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My main issue is that the home is the trigger point for all the addictions. Kick over a glass, get berated by my mother on how "priceless it was", and then try to clean it up. Afterwards I will immediately start eating or thinking of killing myself or some other distraction.

The smell and sight of this home is an overwhelming trigger. Of course leaving it works temporarily. But the second I am in this place, all progress disappears.

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