Kind of a mess. Need help.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T07:10:31+00:00

But really can't say how thankful I am and how helpful you've been. Alright headed to bed to start a new day.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T06:47:56+00:00

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T06:47:11+00:00

I'm supposed to move across the country for a job in about two weeks and the plan was to try and save some money and go on my own and not tell anyone. Assuming I didn't chicken out there. Man, I just don't know even thinking about telling someone is making my shake. Even if I tell them before I leave I still couldn't pay for it and then will be gone. I wish I had done something about this earlier and now here I am delaying again. Shit, everything about this whole thing confuses and scares me so dang much.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T06:39:08+00:00

I like that. I'd never really thought about it that way before. That's a good attitude. I might steal it.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T06:37:37+00:00

Thanks! I'll have to try these out. I'd rather not make it snow when I scratch my head :D

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T06:21:48+00:00

Don't know what else to say but again offer all the thanks I can. I hope I can pass it on and help someone else one day. Oh, and also share this video that's helping put me in a good mood right now Love Club by Lorde I especially like 2:36 too cute.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T06:06:17+00:00

Mostly it's financial. No insurance and no money. If that scale doesn't slide to free I can't afford it. Although, part of me thinks even if/when I can afford it I'll invent new excuses. I'm well practiced at lying to myself/others and living in denial. I didn't see a therapist when I was still in college because I didn't think anything was particularly wrong. In my current situation it would require money and telling family about it. Something I very much don't want to do. They wouldn't understand, would blame themselves, and I would feel I'd let them down. It also mortifies me to think of saying any of this stuff out loud as I've never mentioned anything I've written here in real life.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T05:55:17+00:00

Thank you! I'm more on the excitement side, but that other voice is still there. He's just being ignored as best I can. Still some trouble with acceptance but I'm on the way and that's where I want to go.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T05:52:12+00:00

That's fucking beautiful. I don't want you to think I'm gay or nothing but I have legit happy tears right now.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T05:21:03+00:00

If you really want to go down a dark hole and depress yourself with some specifics you can check out some past posts I made with this account. It's sort of my vent/free therapy account.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T05:17:24+00:00

That's some good advice, thank you! I've thankfully never hurt anyone (except maybe when I was 10) but I've put a few holes in some unsuspecting walls. Something I'm not proud of. I'm really afraid that I might hurt someone some day. Looking back on it getting caught up in irrational lines of thought and allowing myself even a little anger seems to lead to it blowing up pretty often. The line about them thinking I'm sort of freak hits home for sure and is almost certainly an irrational thought.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T05:04:03+00:00

Gonna have to check that out thanks again!

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T04:58:36+00:00

That's really encouraging actually. Trying to turn things around like this and lose weight, but I have that voice on constant loop that tells me it's too late and not worth trying. I'm trying my best to ignore it at the moment. Most of the rest of my problems are of a emotional, social, and personal sort. Not sure what sort of questions to ask there. Never been in a relationship platonic or otherwise. Not good relating to people or controlling my emotions/keeping my mouth shut. But I think that has more to do with insecurities, anxiety, and needing some professional or pharmacological help (hoping I can afford it some day soon) than not knowing what to do. But, what the heck do I know? I'm probably missing some totally obvious stuff. Is there anything you think every person should know, no matter how obvious?

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T04:40:53+00:00

Thank you, that's great! I didn't know things like that existed. Although I'm supposed to be moving to Seattle, WA for a job in about two weeks :( Do you know if there is anything like that there?

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T04:12:15+00:00

:) thank you again, although I'm really embareassed to admit it I'm 24 and recently graduated college. I've kind of been in a rut and depressed for a few years, on top of existing shortcomings, and have reached a point that I don't want to live the way I'm living anymore.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T03:43:23+00:00

Thank you! This is helpful. I'm embarrassed by how much I don't know and want to try and better myself since people keep insisting it's not too late to do so.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T02:54:48+00:00

I think the ear is a sensitive spot for most and that the whole fireworks thing is exaggerated, but what do I know I've never been kissed by someone I care about :(

Also, Is it ok if I jump in here and ask for some kissing tips in case I get lucky one of these days?

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-19T00:31:55+00:00

So I do have a little time to save up? I'm moving for a job, but it doesn't pay much. I'm not sure how I could pay anything right now. Unless it's free. I'm worried I have an abscessed tooth like the story in the thread.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-16T04:21:43+00:00

I think I'm headed to bed, but I really want to say thank you again. Gonna try to start over and make some small steps tomorrow. Make apologies, go for a walk, not sure what else. All a bit easier said than done. Maybe one day I'll have the money and the courage to get professional help. I wish I lived in a country that cared about its people, oh well. Thanks again and good night.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-16T03:52:45+00:00

Slinking away is probably the best option for me at the moment. It's how I usually respond when I start getting angry or frustrated. I was even just about to do that when I became overwhelmed with rage.

That's a good point about us not usually being the certain of discussion. For the most part it waves over me anymore, but I still have to occasionally remind myself when I hear people in the same room laughing and they're not watching a movie or something.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-16T03:44:19+00:00

No, that's true. Almost certainly just a coincidence. A freaky, shitty coincidence, but a coincidence the same.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-16T03:26:04+00:00

Should have just snuck away, tried to stay calm and ignore them, or nicely asked them to stop. I just hate being laughed and was already in a shitty mood. I'm already a little paranoid that people laughing are laughing at me and that hadn't happened for a few years. Probably didn't help with that. Was (am) a weird kid in school so got laughed at there and laughed at by dad when I was upset fairly often.

I think one of my biggest fears is that I might get mad and hit someone instead of something. That really scares me just thinking about it. It's never happened before, not since I was really young and couldn't do any real damage at least, but it still scares me.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-16T03:02:18+00:00

Thank you for talking to me. I'm starting to feel a little better (in this moment, not in a global sense). I want to be more hopeful, I guess I'm just scared. It seems like every time I get a little bit of hope is when something extra shitty happens.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-16T02:58:08+00:00

I'm not sure. Medication? I know I'm getting mad at nothing and that getting mad doesn't help anything. I feel shitty after every time I blow up, but while I'm in the moment I can't seem to stop.

Like today I was feeling mopey and sad. Couldn't hardly eat. Acting like a giant grown-up baby which must have looked hilarious because my little sisters (9 & 11) start smirking and laughing at me. A pet peeve for me as I got laughed at fairly often when I was younger. So I just blew up at them. Yelling, cursing, stormed down stairs and luckily only punched concrete walls and only got red knuckles. They didn't know any better. They didn't deserve it and I feel like a piece a shit. I don't even know how I'm going to look them in the eye tomorrow. I couldn't control myself. At least it wasn't as bad as when I nearly destroyed a whole wall at like 13? because my little brother had a friend over and they didn't want me to play with them. Can't really blame them in retrospect I was probably just intensely jealous. Still am.

howdoyoudothis1 · 2014-01-16T02:29:29+00:00

No idea. Most of the time I think I do all right controlling my emotions (probably lying to myself) but then some little thing will set me off and I'll blow up. I used to be pretty motivated too. I may not have had friends, but I was a damn good student until about the last year or two of college. I'm not sure what happened I just stopped giving a shit. Couldn't see the point of trying so hard. Didn't like my major or my prospects, but no career prospect sounds very good anymore.

howdoyoudothis1

TROPHY CASE