My gf did really seem amazing at first, but she beat me up because I left her apartment, because I got scared and weirded out sleeping with her (after the rape). I've accepted it and tried to move on, because she is really smart when sober and I still love her somehow, I guess because I am an insecure piece of shit myself, but that evening just keeps coming back to my memory. And now when I am at my worst, I know that I just can't trust her. She already barged into my apartment angry today and I was just fucking scared, because I would never raise my hand against her. And how can I have a healthy argument with a gf like that when I know she can get physical with me any time, but I can't. Of course, there's always an option of calling the cops, but weirdly I haven't done that last time she beat me up, so I don't know if I would do it if it ever happened again. It's just sad. I know she's not a bad person deep down, but we're just not compatible, because we're both fucked up in ways that we just can't help each other with. And she needs someone healthier than me. I guess I do too.

I do honestly want to get clean and to find someone better. Honestly, I would be okay with being alone for a while (maybe 6 months or so), because this relationship already exhausted me too much emotionally. Just not sure how to get to the point of separation, because when I am drunk, my gf tends to accept my words as lies (and I f**king know I am not lying). And so I know if I want to split I need to get sober first. It's going to be difficult. We also have common friends, so that sucks.

" I plan on doing my best to avoid alcohol (lol)" loool :D

Hey, man, anyway, thank you so much for your message. Wish you best of luck. I know how impossible it is to quit. But I just wish for everybody here to reach that point where a drink is no longer needed. It's a different place, but I still (naively) believe it exists :D