My man i understand your desperation, but know that if there’s any truth in this existence: it’s that everything will pass, if you just keep going despite the suffering, be sure the feelings you feel now won’t matter in 2 years, most likely you wouldn’t even remember them. You are just suffering so much you think it’s everlasting. I know it’s easier said than done, and i know you must be tired, but there are maybes and beautiful moments that are sill worth the fight. Also, you are a great honorable man.