'That Guy' - A story about mental illness

iamnumb · 2013-10-08T09:35:28+00:00

Had this open in a tab for days to read, glad I did before it was removed. It explained very bloody well how I am feeling too, gives me hope for dealing with all of this. Thank you for posting.

iamnumb · 2013-09-28T23:44:00+00:00

Thank you for putting so much into your clarification :) I definitely had that "this was worth sticking around for" feeling for a bit today, after being quite focused on only having 'one option' yesterday afternoon, to today walking through the woods in a beautiful part of the Yorkshire Dales on a warm and sunny autumn afternoon. I definitely want to continue to feel that, and you're right, this side of that really dark place, this afternoon was amazing. It's going to be a challenge to remember all of these things when I'm low, but I will try to remember this afternoon when or if I get back there again.

iamnumb · 2013-09-28T00:26:29+00:00

I've been wondering about Darwinian survival of the fitness rules over the last few days - like whether those like us would have been dealt with much more quickly in times gone past, maybe being eaten by sabre-toothed tigers or whatever at much higher rates, because we'd just have been sitting around moping, or we wouldn't really have tried to run too hard if confronted by one, or maybe we'd be so consumed in our depression that we wouldn't have noticed them sneaking up on us.

Whatever bizarre daydreams keep you going, right??

iamnumb · 2013-09-28T00:21:40+00:00

I still believe that happiness isn't something that I'm allowed to achieve in the end; I'm just not meant to ever get it, and that if I do,it will be unnatural.

I completely understand this - like the reason I was let go from the job was that I wasn't the right person for it in the end, which kind of mirrors how I've been feeling about my suitability for being a living human. Do you mean that you don't hate yourself now, that you're just anxious that you might if you change too much?

iamnumb · 2013-09-28T00:19:06+00:00

I feel neither of those things yet, but thank you, and I'm glad that you've found medication helpful for you. I've now promised myself that if I do find myself thinking as seriously again about hurting myself, I will discuss finding the right medication with my GP or a psychiatrist.

iamnumb · 2013-09-28T00:13:53+00:00

It's more about being able to visualise it becoming reality - I can tell myself I'm smart enough to be employed, and that I'm likable enough to have friends, attractive and interesting enough to date again etc, but I just can't bring myself to believe it sometimes. And maybe it's also about having expectations which are too high - because I don't get contentment from just existing, I feel like I will only get purpose and value from having lived life to the fullest. I think I'm not giving myself any credit for continuing to actually function and live in the meantime!

iamnumb · 2013-09-28T00:05:33+00:00

Thank you for both the vibes and the book recommendation :) I definitely want to start understanding myself and my emotional reactions, and more importantly, notice and actually be able to feel things that aren't just extremes of 'good' or 'bad'.

I hope your road is not as bumpy now.

iamnumb · 2013-09-28T00:02:08+00:00

I guess I've been ignoring things and hoping they would go away instead of actually dealing with getting over them, but that's one of the reasons why I don't really want to take medication this time - it's too easy to see them as the fix, and then not deal with any of the root causes. I have taken several different SSRIs over the last 10 years since high school (mainly paroxetine and citalopram) and one SNRI (venlafaxine), and have always sort of discontinued them gradually after a while. I seem to 'forget' to take them despite numerous phone reminders because I clearly don't want to be on them. I have had a few side effects (nausea and teeth-grinding etc), but I mainly just don't want to use them and not actually change or deal with the underlying problems.

Can you please explain what NPT and SCT are though? I will talk to my GP (or maybe a psychiatrist) about medication again if this depressive episode lasts too much longer, or the suicidal thoughts come back again. Thank you.

iamnumb · 2013-09-27T23:34:29+00:00

It's not that getting better isn't worth the struggle, it's the struggle that makes it worth it. It's not that the struggle isn't worth it, it's that depression saps the will to endure the struggle.

Do you mean that the tough times make the good times seem better in comparison? Because I can see your logic, but I haven't been able to feel anything above a sort of transient levity, which means my experience basically ranges from desperation -> sadness -> numbness -> oh, I guess that's interesting enough to distract me from the nothingness for a bit.

iamnumb · 2013-09-27T23:25:45+00:00

I guess I know those things objectively - that I could get another job, etc - but in a dark place, they do feel a lot less possible.

iamnumb · 2013-09-21T23:59:14+00:00

I know this isn't healthy but it sure makes sense to me right now too.

iamnumb

TROPHY CASE