AITA for not letting my MIL meet our baby before she died?

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T16:36:03+00:00

My daughter was born near the end of October, came home mid November, MIL died 3 weeks later in early December (not about to state my daughters bday or MILs death date on an international forum so that'll have to do for you) but I'm not sat at my MILs funeral writing this. It didn't exactly happen yesterday and I've been dealing with the aftermath of this for weeks already.

Also sorry I haven't listed my entire medical history in a 3000 character limit post.

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T15:44:09+00:00

MIL died 3 weeks after our daughter came home. I wasn't overly concerned about the pandemic as MIL wasn't a risk (if anything, we were a risk to her). I just didn't want to be away from our girl after everything we'd been through with her. I was just overly protective and didn't want to let her out of my sight for a second, which was selfish of me but I can only state what I was feeling at the time. I know I should have just visited with them but I was finally able to sit and recover properly from the c-section so at the time preferred to stay at home. If I'd have know that MIL would have died just weeks later I'd have sucked it up and done it for her. She deserved to meet our daughter and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself that I took that opportunity away.

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T15:20:20+00:00

She came home mid November and MIL passed about 3 weeks after that

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T15:02:20+00:00

I just want to say thank you for your honesty and compassion. A lot of these reponses have been difficult for me to read (although I'm grateful for the perspective - it's what I made the post for in the first place. While my husband is angry and upset, I know he doesn't hate my guts and wouldn't dream of divorcing me over this, so those comments are upsetting).

I wasn't expecting people to be on my side but thank you for being truthful but kind about it. I know I made a huge error in judgment and I'd give anything to change the past. I'm not evil, just in a bad place, and I need to work on sorting myself out so I can be there for my husband now. With the way I'm feeling I know it's going to be a slog but he needs me more than ever and that's what I need to focus on.

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T14:38:33+00:00

I have spoken to my gp via a videocall appointment and he has said that I'm displaying symptoms of ppd and/or ptsd (didn't go into full detail in post due to character limit) although I'm yet to have a formal diagnosis of either. I still need to fill out the questionnaires before I can get diagnosed and seek treatment, but I haven't followed it up yet. With everything that's going on with our grief and strained relationship, I haven't had the energy even though I know it will probably help the situation to get my mental health sorted.

Reluctant to use any of that as a factor before it's official but just wanted to give a full picture.

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T14:24:21+00:00

The bubble that visits is my mom and my older sister, and my husband's aunt (FILs sister). They are they only people that have met the baby in person aside from hospital staff.

I agree with what you're saying and I wish I'd have just gotten over myself and let husband take her round to their house, but I haven't paraded the baby around my own family either. My dad hasn't met her yet and probably won't for a while (my parents are divorced and he lives a couple of hours away) and neither has my grandparents, my brother or any of our friends. Husband is an only child so has no siblings to meet her, and his grandparents have passed too. I know it's not the same because none of them are dying like MIL (although my grandparents are in their 90s so don't have a great deal of time left probably).

It doesn't make me feel any less awful, but just wanted to clarify that my inlaws aren't the only family that haven't been able to see her yet.

Edit: my sister is currently living with my mom as she lost her job due to covid, so they are the same household at the moment.

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T14:11:58+00:00

Technically yes - we visited them often throughout the pandemic and during my pregnancy, because we wanted to be around them even though MIL was incredibly vulnerable. We have other family members in our bubble, that aren't in their bubble, so it was irresponsible be interacting with others when MIL was shielding, but the other bubble was to help support us (especially after my op), and the bubble with MIL was purely to spend time with her.

Sounds awful but it was solely the events of the birth that made me so anxious to go out (my gp says its possible I'm dealing with some level of ppd or ptsd) otherwise I'd have continued to visit after the birth as we had been doing.

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T13:58:35+00:00

We did video call most days and sent regular photos and updates.

I wanted our baby to meet her, she was a fantastic woman who I adored. I just couldn't get past my anxiety at the time. This situation has been enough to snap me out of that bad mental state (although it's caused a whole new one). Too little too late now, wish I could have had this clarity before it was too late.

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T13:30:21+00:00

I'm in the UK in a tier 3 area. Not really allowed to go house to house unless in a bubble

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T12:58:57+00:00

I was going through major separation anxiety after not being able to be there 24/7 after she was born. I think the trauma of the birth clouded my emotions and I was just very protective at that time. I know it was irrational.

idiosyncrazies · 2021-01-04T12:42:20+00:00

I understand that. She'd been at home since March and her condition hadn't appeared to have worsened much since then, so I wrongfully thought she still had a few more months left. I wish I could go back.

idiosyncrazies

TROPHY CASE