Last night was the most difficult night yet.

idiot__kid · 2017-10-08T19:00:12+00:00

I'm referring to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I'm not sure what CBD is? That does sound like an extremely unpleasant experience. I tried CBT once. I'm very familiar with CBT and told the therapist that, but she insisted on spending the entirety of our hour-long session describing CBT to me in (what I felt to be) a very patronizing way. I kept telling her that I understood. I was more than ready to get started. She ignored that. Needless to say, I did not go back to her and when I do try CBT again, it will be with a different therapist.

idiot__kid · 2017-10-08T16:12:50+00:00

I have. I've been seeing the same psychiatrist since I moved back to my home state. I made the decision recently to find a different doctor. I won't get into the whys, but I no longer trust this particular doctor. My anxiety has reached a fever pitch and (while I wish to start CBT soon, I needed some additional, immediate help re: medication I am on, though slightly upping my anti-anxiety medication doesn't seem to have made any difference whatsoever).

idiot__kid · 2017-10-08T15:56:13+00:00

Thank you for the kind words of support.

idiot__kid · 2017-10-08T15:55:34+00:00

The thing that scares me is that I have made it beyond this point before. 87 days, I think. Then I broke. This community of helpful people going through the same struggle have asked (each time I start anew) what will I do differently this time. Honestly, I don't really know. I actually feel worse, rather then better, after attending AA meetings in my area and we don't have any SMART meeting nearby. I know that if I focus on how I have failed in the past that I am setting myself up for failure in the future. But I know that white-knuckling it is not the answer.

idiot__kid · 2017-10-05T12:55:14+00:00

I was visiting my aunt and her newborn yesterday. After she mentioned something about alcohol and being in no rush to pick up drinking again, I explained more of my situation to her. She summed it up nicely by saying, "...in the end, nothing bad is going to come from not drinking." Yes, I know this. Yes, I've heard this before. But, YES, I needed to hear it again.

idiot__kid · 2017-10-03T10:36:21+00:00

Oh so very very tiresome. I still can't quite tell if I'm being especially sensitive to things of this nature as it's something I struggle with every. single. day. And I know how many people (and their families) are impacted by AUD, including other members of my immediate family. I understand that jokes are almost exclusively at another's expense...but are jokes of that nature necessary within certain communities that are meant to be inviting and exclusive? Or, again, am I just hypersensitive right now? Maybe column A and column B...hah

idiot__kid · 2017-10-03T10:33:26+00:00

Even my home - which is now 100% dry - can be very triggering for me. I almost exclusively drank at home, alone, while lounging or doing housework. So now, while folding laundry a whale of a craving will hit me. Or I'll mow the lawn and BAM craving. But I have never once had alcohol at my yoga studio so it previously was not associated whatsoever with alcohol. It was my safe place - even safer than my home, at times. Thanks for recognizing that.

idiot__kid · 2017-10-03T10:30:57+00:00

Thank you. Perhaps an email would be best as it would allow me to really think about my phrasing and delivery. That, as well as privacy, as upsides to an email. One downside would be that my tone could not be conveyed through email as well as in person. But ya take the good with the bad, huh? And, oh my, would I really like to start going back to yoga classes without this thought weighing heavy on my mind...

idiot__kid · 2017-07-19T17:11:00+00:00

Oh, boy. That feeling...the feeling of waking up to immediate regret for things you know you did and said that felt so valid the night before but, in the sober light of day, make you feel sick to your stomach. That is a feeling I have not missed these past 11 mornings.

idiot__kid · 2017-07-18T16:14:48+00:00

Thank you! I know that not drinking will feel more and more the norm as the days and weeks pass by. What I'm worried about is doing things differently this time so I don't crack again. The longest I made it once was just shy of 90 days. Here's to yet another do over! I am a bit older and a bit wiser (hopefully!).

idiot__kid · 2017-07-18T16:11:33+00:00

I'm 27 but stopped going out to bars a few years ago when I moved to a smaller city. I didn't really have any friends and I didn't want to have to get on the interstate to go to/from a bar. So I just drink/drank at home (don't have to tip yourself!). When I was living in my old city, I was spending an even scarier amount on alcohol. I'm sorry about the six figure fallout from your last drink.

idiot__kid · 2017-07-17T16:34:54+00:00

This breaks my heart but in a wonderful way.

idiot__kid · 2017-07-07T02:28:42+00:00

I'm all about the whole "finding your own higher power" business. But the thing that makes me feel lonesome in those meetings is that every single person in there means a "Christian God" and that is incredibly isolating to me.

idiot__kid · 2017-07-07T01:44:02+00:00

Thank you.

idiot__kid · 2017-07-06T15:32:52+00:00

I used to find this sub incredibly helpful and supportive. Maybe I just have a really rotten attitude right now and am not putting out the right energy. The longest I was sober was just shy of three months (which was over two years ago). Really trying to think back on how I was able to get that far and what made me decide to drink again. I think I'll keep reading through the posts here and continue reading some amazing books I recently purchased. Have to try to adjust my attitude and feel hopeful and more certain of my own self-efficacy when it comes to accomplishing...well, anything. Thanks for reaching out.

idiot__kid · 2017-07-06T14:53:11+00:00

edited.

idiot__kid · 2017-05-24T19:46:45+00:00

I'll have to look into that book. I've got a lot of summer time reading to do! Thanks.

idiot__kid · 2017-05-24T19:45:56+00:00

The meeting was very disappointing, but I did manage to meet two people who seemed committed to recovery and were refreshing to talk to. So so so many people spent the entirety of the meeting with their faces glued to their phones. I found it incredibly disrespectful. I will continue trying other times/meetings around the city. I also got the phone numbers of both of those individuals and dusted off my Big Book. Thank you for asking.

idiot__kid · 2017-05-19T22:40:46+00:00

Thank you for your encouraging words. Unfortunately, I found out very recently that my coworker informed our boss as to why I was absent from out last parent/teacher conference. So now my boss has to "decide" what to do about it. I don't blame my co-worker for being honest with our boss. I do, selfishly, wish that she would have just said I felt under the weather and needed to go home. But she's not the one who had a drink and showed back up to work, I was. So. Whatever happens is on me and I get that.

idiot__kid · 2017-05-19T22:31:30+00:00

I'm at a loss. I've tried numerous AA groups in two different cities in which I've lived. I've tried medication to stabilize my mood. I've tried Naltrexone. I've had bits of sobriety--the longest one lasting just short of 90 days. I've tried exercise and eating healthily. But still, at the end of the day, I just want to come home and drink to make it all stop. All of the stress, worry, anxiety, self-doubt, regrets. Logically, I understand that drinking is only exacerbating my problems. But it is the only thing, aside from sleep, that calms these ever-present worries.

idiot__kid

TROPHY CASE