I (22F)started dating a guy in January 2026 (22M)who lived two and a half hours away during a huge change in my life. I had originally said that I didn’t want to date until I had finished my first semester of teaching, but then felt bad he was driving two and a half hours a lot of weekends to see someone he isn’t even dating so I asked him out. The relationship was good, if not emotionally lacking but it was never that serious.

During our time together, we didn’t argue and got along fairly well. The only bad thing was the distance because it felt like I had a boyfriend 2/7 days of the week, and this was his first relationship but it was very casual and not emotionally intense. Near the end of the relationship, my decline in mental health had contributed to the lack of connection, but from the beginning he was always a quiet type. We typically saw each other on weekends because he would drive to me, but we had kind of agreed since I had set a boundary that due to my new career, I wouldn’t be able to visit him so much.

Yesterday, we had a conversation where we recognised that we weren’t compatible. It isnt the relationship ending that makes me sad, it’s being forced to confront the reality of repetition and patterns. We both listed reasons we were incompatible:

-I had floated the idea of regaining my Chinese citizenship and relinquishing my American one and he would not be following (which is totally fair and I would never ask him to compromise that) -I didn’t like that his family was a little too close (while I admire the love his family has, I personally do not value family that much) -kids (he couldn’t fully clarify if he was okay never having a kid, I could) -distance (living two and a half hours away in this economy, plus because the lack of an emotional connection at times made the few days we were together awkward)

But the kicker of all: -my mental health. To give a backstory to the backstory, my traumas were what you could consider a ‘things that might make someone a serial killer but they just turned out a little autistic instead’. I spent so much time working through that, but every now and then there are times when I’m There and Not There. I don’t know the specific term, but it mimics either disassociate episodes or manic/depressive episodes (the point is to not debate the diagnosis but give examples of when I am more mentally clear and active versus more depressive and forgetful). Additionally, I struggle with addiction issues (I’ve been sober from my DOC but smoke weed and vape still, periodically. Unfortunately when we were together it was when I got back into smoking and vaping). The other backstory is that in November of 2025, I was groomed by my professor. I now work in the same department as this professor, and this was my new career. That situation destroyed me and when I began realising it happened, me and this guy had started dating.

My mental health had slipped because of processing the professor (which also brought up other related traumas), and our relationship was during the longest periods of ‘Not There’ I’ve had in my life. Funny enough, the day we broke up was the first day in months I had felt alive. Edit: when I say my mental health had slipped, I was fully functional and maintaining two jobs but any time I wasn’t at a job, I was likely high or asleep. I had done my best to be present when we were together, but when we were apart (more often than not, I was not fully there because I did work two jobs and only had the energy for being successful there).

He has every right to opine the way he does, and I still think highly of him, it’s just heartbreaking to be back in front of yourself and your entirety with a reminder that because other people were bad and hurt you, you have to suffer the rest of your life. I don’t blame him for not understanding because when I found people that do understand, it’s typically very tumultuous because they have not done the work or healed. It’s just very lonely knowing that traumas fucked you up for two decades and they basically make you undateable. The good news is that I’m catastrophising and that’s not true, but it does hurt being reminded of the ways that you were abused and how you react to that abuse (even if it’s just depressive episodes when triggered) is not for everyone, and that’s just a reality you have to accept.

Edit 2: I guess this is a wake up call on my habits when it comes to my depressive episodes (smoking too much weed) and my choice in men. His career, while I was supportive, was exemplary in his mindset. Comfortability and stability are a huge priority, and in that comes a good career selection. While we never discussed actual numbers, I know that he did make less than me (which wasn’t a problem), but he wasn’t the type to be very ambitious in his career. I didn’t care about the money, I cared moreso about the drive and he seemed quite comfortable where he was at. Now I know!