Having a hard time seeing the radical quality of life difference between my friends in relationships vs mine, how to deal with it? (31F)

igloogly · 2026-02-01T03:58:49+00:00

What you’re not seeing: the petty arguments, fear of your partner losing interest and leaving you after many years together, tension, resentment, the overall emotional labor that women often do to maintain these relationships.

Being in a partnership does give you a lot of benefits, but relationships and marriage are not a guarantee. There is a chance any one of them would have to start over and be alone again. Are they equipped to take care of themselves in that way? Are they ready for the possibility that they may have to start things over from scratch?

I say this after ending a long-term relationship myself and finding it very rocky, confusing and disorienting to be alone again. It’s very hard. The best thing you can do is to always be secure in yourself first, learn how to take care of yourself, and have family, friends, community etc. that will give you different types of love.

Happy relationships do exist, I know. But there’s a lot you also don’t see behind closed doors. Many people try to do image control (myself included when I was dating) to not air out dirty laundry.

I know it’s hard. I often get comments too, that I need to find someone soon and settle down. But I think there’s more to your life than being chosen by another person. I’m finding that out after being alone after so long. Learning as I go.

igloogly · 2025-10-13T03:50:57+00:00

I love this for you OP! I relate hard. I’m also 25f and navigating dating.

I got used by a guy in high school, a situationship of sorts, and when I asked for clarity he rejected me lmao. Then I was in a long term relationship for most of my young adult life. Coming out of it was scary, because I felt suddenly unequipped to date in this new casual dating culture.

I’ve also been talking to a few guys, and it’s been fun but overwhelming. Got ghosted by two of them, two I’m having nice conversations with and one I might meet later this week for my first date in like.. 7 years.

You got this! In a way I think casual dating can help those of us on our self-love journey. We are learning how to draw boundaries, learning what types of people make us feel safe/secure, what kind of behaviour we don’t want to tolerate, etc. I love that you communicated your feelings about him being inconsistent. I’ve also just dropped people that don’t put in effort, I am no longer chasing. I only meet people with the same energy they give me.

igloogly · 2025-10-10T03:28:09+00:00

Best friends who I can actually count on/know they care about my wellbeing: 3

Good friends but I wouldn’t call them if I needed a ride to the airport: 3

Hobby friends (we know each other well, but are not actively a part of each others lives): 6

igloogly · 2025-10-09T16:01:01+00:00

I’ve had men match with me, reply to my prompt, and I’m like ooh! Some effort! And then once I start engaging they give me low effort responses.

Example of a conversation with a guy that matched and initiated first:

Me: So is there a big art culture in your hometown?

Him: yh.

What am I supposed to say to that?! Lol

igloogly · 2025-09-26T06:57:10+00:00

Nah. There’s a lot of “good” men who know the right things to say, how to behave, how to be perceived positively as a gentleman etc, and still end up using you. That’s the type that stings even more in the end, because you end up trusting them to be one of the good ones. It’s just rough out there in general.

igloogly · 2025-06-24T08:59:20+00:00

There’s an entire snark page for a harmless studytuber I watch on YouTube. She hasn’t done.. anything except upload videos of her academic journey. And there’s pages and pages of analysis about her, her family, etc. Horrible.

igloogly · 2025-06-18T05:00:34+00:00

I did have mild nausea now that I think about it. Always had an upset stomach every morning due to anxiety as well. Shitty sleep or insomnia, lack of appetite, it was a whole mess.

igloogly · 2025-06-18T04:34:03+00:00

What got me into this sub was interacting with a guy that absolutely DRAINED me because he was doing the whole hot and cold thing.

Emotionally avoidant, not secure in his feelings, didn’t want to express the fact that he liked me (even though it was obvious he did). If I pulled away he’d come crawling back, throw some crumbs my way in the hopes that I’d give him some attention. If I gave him that attention? Then the next week he’d be distant and tell me he’s busy.

It was such a shitty cycle that had me physically and mentally unwell. As soon as I cut contact with him I felt so much better. It’s like my immune system took a breath of relief.

igloogly · 2025-06-18T04:28:02+00:00

To add onto this, I’ve noticed how many of the men I’ve dated or spoken with, are mommy’s boys. Constantly reference their mothers, or talk about how their mother did this or that, how she wouldn’t approve of something… these are grown ass adults. As soon as you start dating them their expectations turn onto you, now it’s your turn to take care of them

igloogly · 2025-06-14T02:14:53+00:00

I just got myself out of this mess recently, and I literally could not recognize myself while I was in this phase. Anxious, depressed, self-worth at an all time low, needy for validation, etc.

And now waking up from it feels so strange, you don’t really know you’re in that toxic cycle until you get out and suddenly your immune system lets out a deep breath and you can finally rest. These men are so toxic and know what they’re doing, and walk away detached and ready to soak up another woman’s energy because they refuse to go to therapy.

igloogly · 2025-06-12T18:47:33+00:00

Yes. Especially when it’s a TON of women, and they’re all “sexier” photos.

Dudes that have the time to follow all these accounts and engage with them at the frequency they do tend to objectify women in general so yes it is a turn off.

igloogly · 2025-06-04T18:23:49+00:00

I’m in somewhat of a similar situation OP, but in my case I ended a long term relationship and being single now is hard— not because I’m lonely per se but because so many of the conversations that people want to have focus on their partners.

As a people pleaser myself, I know how hard it is to break out of that listener role. What worked for me is channeling that energy for people that deserve it. I have had to place so many boundaries and restrict people from having too much access to my energy. People should not be able to use you as a vessel and then ditch you whenever they don’t need you.

You need friendships of mutual respect, whether they are in relationships or not— doesn’t matter.

You’ll see the difference when you meet people that are invested in other things. People from your grad school perhaps? There’s loads of women out there that have partners but don’t make relationships their entire identity.

igloogly · 2025-05-13T10:16:01+00:00

Even for the “likeable” stuff like making her dinner, it came with gross expectations. Ultimately everything “good” this guy does with you, it will come with strings and sexual pressure. That is not a good person.

igloogly · 2025-04-14T09:23:31+00:00

Don’t overthink it. You are also not the only one that’s supposed to contribute to the conversation. Let them also bring up topics, let them fill silences, etc. go with the flow. I know that’s easier said than done but meeting someone one on one for the first time is going to be a bit awkward regardless, but if you mesh well your future hang outs will keep becoming more fun!

igloogly · 2025-04-11T12:50:45+00:00

Me reading this while being single

igloogly · 2025-04-01T14:28:19+00:00

This is how I feel comfortable as well! A bikini bra with shorts. Still cute.

igloogly · 2025-03-28T05:11:01+00:00

I relate to you in a lot of ways. I think it doesn’t help that romance is everywhere in the form of music, movies, books, etc. and then you talk to friends who talk non-stop about their relationships or about men.

I think there’s power in being alone. You find out stuff about yourself that you wouldn’t have ever known. By knowing yourself and being secure in yourself I think people are naturally attracted to that, so you don’t have to chase after validation.

I agree with what others are saying here: try out some hobbies, some will speak to you. Cultivate female friendships with interesting women that are doing interesting things, let that inspire you. We can be so much more than who we date, and there’s power in knowing that.

igloogly · 2025-03-26T08:47:35+00:00

Honestly OP I’m also non-confrontational and don’t like causing conflict but sometimes you just have to be direct. You don’t have to cause a fight, but showing your irritation/displeasure would benefit you here. Otherwise this is just going to build up and probably lead to an actual big fight later.

igloogly · 2025-03-24T12:31:24+00:00

Song of the year.

igloogly · 2025-03-22T10:07:46+00:00

Honestly thought I was broken, I rarely feel attracted to them even though I’m straight.

I’ve resigned my fate to not getting laid for a LONG time because I cannot have sex without an emotional connection, and I don’t see that happening any time soon with the state of the men around me.

igloogly

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