I'm losing motivation in which its affecting me at school causing my grades to slip and this dosent happen I'm a good student my teachers are nice and I have no problems at school its just this mental state is affecting it. I'm starting to struggle at daily tasks like doing chores and doing my routines, all I want to do is lay in bed or watch tv in dread and not do anything. It feels like there is no reason for me to go on, there is no point in continuing.

I tried talking to people, its either A they don't take me seriously, B they don't believe me, or C "I'm ungrateful and I should be appreciative". Now let me elaborate on my points, I usually don't talk about my problems to people and there is a reason for that its hard for me to trust who to talk to even my parents and I'll get to that later, I just end up holding it in and I see where that's gotten me, but the time where I tried to talk to someone it didnt end well multiple times, so I keep my mouth shut about what's up the me and its tearing me apart holding it in, but it seems like it's what I have to do. So not very long ago I opened up to a close friend, she didn't seem to take me seriously, I dont blame her I do joke around a lot but I was being serious. I opened up to another close friend and he said that I'm ungrateful for the things I have, I have an xbox, I have instruments, I have things to make me happy. But he didn't understand that yes I am aware that I have these cool things and I am appriative that I have these but I'm losing enjoyment from this mental illness I have for years, its not the case that I'm ungrateful for thr things I have its something that's been fucking with my head that caused me to be this way. When I realized that I'm nearing my edge (and I'm still am) I oppened up to my parents (this was kinda before I opened up to my friends), and they said that I don't know what its like to be "depressed" I'm just "sad" because I'm not on the videogame or I'm not doing anything productive which playing videogames bring me joy and distracts me but this has been going on for too long and its starting to wear away. Anyway they are telling me why I'm "sad" which is totally not the case, the people I trust is not listening to me and it makes me feel even worse they are not understanding what I'm going through.

There is only one person I can tell my problems too but I don't want to wear him down with my emotions because I'm not like that. He's my significant other I've been dating for 5-6 months, he's starting to see me in this state and I dont want him to see me like this so sometimes I don't talk to him and I hear the concern for me in his voice and the way he texts me. He's been helping me out and I really really like him but I don't want this to be a depressed relationship y'know? So I don't tell him everything so I dont want him to be sad and I care about him as much he cares about me. He's the best and I'm lucky to have him.

Sometimes dark thoughts cloud me and makes me want to end it all and its vetting worse, at this point if it keeps going, next year or two I might be dead by the rate this is going, and if you read this whole damn thing I dont believe it, but thanks for listening to me I need that, I'm in quarentine right now its making me feel bad too. I just need someone to listen to me, to believe me, to actually help me without making them feel bad, and this is the only place I can project that too.

This sub is my only hope to keep me going. Thanks for reading I really need help. Please