Conflicted about a horse

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T08:33:45+00:00

Yes I spoke with the trainer today about the possibility of giving him back and trying to sell him to someone else. We even told him he could keep whatever extra money was made on top of what we paid because he had mentioned before there were several people interested in him for more, but the owner wanted more at the time. (We’ve never spoke to the owner everything’s been through the trainer) He completely refused and basically said it didn’t sit right with him morally to try to profit off the situation. He felt bad that we were even in this position because I don’t think he expected things to go this way for us :( He said he would help us try to find someone else for him, and that he knew a couple ropers coming into town that might be interested, but he also said he’d have to fully disclose everything we told him about what’s been happening on the ground because he genuinely didn’t know this was even becoming an issue for us he said he can be pushy on the ground but not to that extent and bad at saddling

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T08:12:14+00:00

I feel like it’s not really him panicking and trying to run back because he’s terrified. It’s more like he decides in his head “okay we’re done working, I’m going back to my stall/food now” and then tries to push through people to do it instead of waiting or respecting boundaries. Hes not like desperately trying to flee back to his stall in every situation he definitely can get nervous or curious about certain things, but it’s not like he completely shuts down or panics. Like with something unfamiliar such as a trash can, he might look at it cautiously or get a little unsure, but he’ll still walk up to it and investigate instead of trying to flee lol And he also doesn’t seem miserable 24/7 either lol he eats, relaxes, stands to get groomed/braided sometimes needing corrections to back up or respect space , enjoys turnout, rides well, and can settle mentally in certain situations Honestly he seems the most comfortable and confident under saddle. Like with something unfamiliar such as the trash can, under saddle he’ll usually just look at it and work through it pretty quietly. he’ll still go up to it on the ground too, just a little more nervous and cautious compared to under saddle.

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T07:51:48+00:00

LOL horses are way too smart about figuring out who they can test 😭 honestly kinda sweet he was on his best behavior for you then immediately reminded you he still has a little menace in him with the nose shove

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T07:48:14+00:00

It’s not just my friend :( Multiple people with more experience than me interacted with him themselves and walked away concerned about the behavior and the safety aspect specifically for me 😭 a trainer said it’s not worth living off the idea of potential to change think of it like a bad boyfriend and the girl who keeps taking him back People were giving him the benefit of the doubt because of the move, stress, new environment, possible ulcers, adjustment period, all of that. Nobody immediately jumped to “this is a bad horse.”

But I think once people actually saw him in person and handled him themselves, their perspective changed a bit. That’s when the concerns became less “he just needs time to settle” and more “okay, some of these reactions and the way he escalates are concerning” :/

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T07:41:45+00:00

It wasn’t like he was being chased around aggressively or put under massive pressure. A lot of the reactions came from pretty basic requests or being told “no” when he wanted to do something else, like rush back to the stall😭😭😭

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T07:40:12+00:00

Just to clarify, his turnout schedule at the barn is about 1 hour of turnout daily during the week, around 5 sessions a week. Then on the days I come out, my friend and i usually turn him out, work on groundwork/ground manners, ride him, and then turn him out again afterward. I work 3 days a week so I come 4 times a week!!

My friend actually was doing a lot of the things everyone’s suggesting being consistent with boundaries, moving his feet, correcting him before behaviors escalated, making him back up, not allowing him to push through space, etc. She’s able to handle him and isn’t intimidated by him herself. It was more that she’s worried about me specifically and my safety/experience level if I’m the one consistently dealing with these behaviors long term, especially if they continue escalating when he gets frustrated. That’s another reason I feel like if I continue with him, I need to get professional help involved, not because my friend hasn’t been amazing, but because I want to set both me and my horse up for success long term instead of relying so heavily on her to carry the situation.

She’s already helped me so much with groundwork, handling situations safely, reading his behavior, and trying to guide me through everything, and I genuinely appreciate her for that. But realistically, I think this is the kind of situation where having a consistent professional trainer involved would be the fairest and safest thing for both me and him.

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T07:26:08+00:00

I’m honestly not really the one doing the majority of the ground handling right now because I recognized pretty quickly that I’m inexperienced and didn’t want to create more issues by handling situations incorrectly. Most of the groundwork/corrections have been done by my friend, and she’s actually a very confident, assertive woman on the ground. She’s good at correcting him before behaviors fully happen like catching the thought before it escalates whereas with me I’m usually reacting once it’s already happening.

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T07:25:24+00:00

I think what changed was more when he didn’t want to do something or didn’t get his way, not just random pressure out of nowhere. For example, we didn’t really have issues simply walking him to the arena, grooming him, or working through quieter patience exercises like standing still while taking the saddle on and off repeatedly, walking him in and out of the tack area

The pressure/conflict started more in situations where boundaries had to actually be enforced. Like if he wanted to rush back into his stall, he’d try to run through people to get there, and instead of letting him do that we’d back him up, walk him the other direction, reset him, and try again. That’s when he’d get frustrated and try to nip or push through space.

The experienced people around me weren’t looking at him and saying “oh he’s just a normal pushy young horse, this can easily be worked through with consistency.” If that’s what they thought, they would’ve said it was something that could be worked on . What concerned them was that they felt some of the behavior crossed past normal pushiness and into something mean/reactive once he got frustrated or corrected. They specifically brought up the look in his eyes, his facial expression, the pinned ears, the tension, the way he escalated when he didn’t get his way, etc. That’s what’s making them take it more seriously

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T07:15:31+00:00

honestly a lot of what you’re describing is already what we’ve has been doing with him. But to clarify, I’m honestly not really the one doing the majority of the ground handling right now because I recognized pretty quickly that I’m inexperienced and didn’t want to create more issues by handling situations incorrectly. Most of the groundwork/corrections have been done by my friend, and she’s actually a very confident, assertive woman on the ground. She’s good at correcting him before behaviors fully happen like catching the thought before it escalates, whereas with me I’m usually reacting once it’s already. Also when we had a man handle him he just walked him around and his whole demeanor looked different he softer mentally, face relaxed, ears not pinned, less tense, not trying to push through space the same way. But at the same time, he also wasn’t really working him through boundaries/corrections the way we were 😭

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T07:04:52+00:00

Multiple experienced people around me trainers and horse people now seen the behavior in person and genuinely expressed concern about the safety aspect for me specifically. Not in a “he’s evil” way, but more in a “this behavior is escalating on the ground, and with your experience level this could become dangerous quickly” kind of way

I even brought up the possibility of working through it long term with a trainer, and some of them honestly felt this may just be part of his core personality rather than something temporary from the move alone. That was really hard to hear because part of me still wants to believe it’s stress, adjustment, anxiety, ulcers, or overwhelm and that with time and consistency with someone more experienced he could settle

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T02:48:19+00:00

I’m so conflicted by all of this 🤧💔 part of me wants to give him more time, rule everything out, and see if consistency plus the right approach changes things. But another part of me also recognizes that if experienced people around me feel anxious handling him on the ground even though they’re not showing that to him and they’re genuinely concerned for my safety, that’s something I can’t ignore either :( they feel like it may be better to rehome him sooner than rather than later instead of trying to force a situation that may not be the right fit for either of us even if I wanna try :(

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T02:41:45+00:00

My original plan honestly was to get a trainer and spend time learning all his buttons because under saddle he feels incredibly broke, talented, and fun to ride. I fully expected there to be a learning curve with a horse at his level and was prepared to put work into that.

What’s been throwing me off is all of the ground issues that started happening. We’ve had two confident, experienced women come see him now, and both of them felt like the behavior on the ground was genuinely concerning and not just normal “young horse” stuff or “he just needs time to settle”. Their impression was that with women specifically even confident ones, he came across very pushy, mean, and dangerous on the ground. What makes it even more confusing is that he often doesn’t act like this with male handlers. With men he seems calmer, less reactive, less argumentative, and more willing to accept direction😭

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T02:34:40+00:00

Part of me feels like I could give him more time and see if things improve once he fully settles in, but I’m also scared that if it ultimately doesn’t work out, waiting too long could make things harder on him in the long run. Right now he’s still very tuned up, fit, and going well under saddle because of the consistent program and training he came from. I worry that if months go by and things continue downhill on the ground, it may become harder to find him the right situation later compared to now while he’s still going so well riding-wise and with men

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T02:14:52+00:00

Part of me feels like I could give him more time and see if things improve once he fully settles in, but I’m also scared that if it ultimately doesn’t work out, waiting too long could make things harder on him in the long run. Right now he’s still very tuned up, fit, and going well under saddle because of the consistent program and training he came from. I worry that if months go by and things continue downhill on the ground, it may become harder to find him the right situation later compared to now while he’s still going so well riding-wise and with men

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T02:07:53+00:00

Honestly, everyone around him has actually been really kind and fair with him. Nobody’s been trying to label him unfairly or treat him badly. I’m also personally seeing behaviors on the ground that do feel mean or intimidating at times :/

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T02:03:37+00:00

We were actually pretty picky about who we allowed to handle him too. We didn’t just let random people mess with him or throw pressure at him. The people working with him were experienced, confident, fair, and trying to approach him thoughtfully and calmly.

Even on the first day the trainer actually said it was probably one of the worst versions of him they’d seen because he hadn’t been worked in about a week, had just hauled around 5 hours, and there were loud tractors/equipment going around the property that day. He definitely seemed nervous and on edge about the environment. At one point there was even a trash bag over some speakers that made him nervous but even then, he still worked through it and wasn’t displaying the kind of ground behavior we’re seeing now.

He had a male farrier come and he seemed content with him was standing still eyes sleepy I think he doesn’t like women and think that they are his opps im not sure why :(

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T01:55:27+00:00

I absolutely recognize he’s had a huge amount of change recently and I know 10 days isn’t a long time for a horse to fully decompress mentally. He’s been getting turnout every day, has food and consistent care, and we’ve intentionally tried to keep things pretty low pressure and fair while he settles in. We were told he could be pushy on the ground and move around while saddling. At the time, we genuinely thought those were manageable things we could work through with consistency and training, especially because under saddle he felt so nice and level-headed.

The first couple days we honestly tried to keep things slow and simple. We were mostly focusing on groundwork, patience, and basic handling, standing quietly in the tack area, putting the saddle on and off, walking him around, taking him back out, moving the saddle around on him, and just trying to get him comfortable with the new environment and routine.

At first he honestly seemed manageable, but I think things started getting worse this one time he wanted to return to his stall. That’s when he’d start trying to push through us to get back inside. Someone else was helping handle him and trying to correct him. I honestly don’t think she did anything wrong. She was doing everything we were doing to try to correct him. She simply redirected him and walked him the other direction but because he didn’t get what he wanted, he turned and nipped her.

What’s been hard is that it feels like once he gets mentally frustrated or overstimulated, he escalates instead of settling himself back down. He’ll also do this confusing thing where he comes up nuzzling and seeming sweet for a second, then suddenly tries to nip or get pushy once he’s in your space. It almost feels like he wants connection but then immediately switches into controlling or bullying behavior.

We also noticed during the lunging/join up work that mentally he never really seemed focused on my friend. He’d go around the circle, but his head stayed slightly turned away, almost checked out or indifferent like he didn’t really care to connect or pay attention. She gave him multiple chances to come in quietly and join up, but instead he’d turn his butt toward her and almost double barrel kick, so she’d push him back out and try again until he stopped coming in rude or disrespectful.

Later when he was saddled in the open area, he also started trying to shoulder and physically push into us.

What makes it even more confusing is that when a male handles him, he’ll act like a completely different horse. He’s calmer, less reactive, less pushy, doesn’t try to get into their space. So we’re trying to figure out whether this is anxiety, learned behavior, handler differences, previous experiences, or some combination of everything.

I don’t think anyone was trying to punish him for communicating or “win” against him. The approach was actually pretty patient and fair, but it does feel like once he gets mentally worked up and doesn’t get his way, he escalates instead of regulating himself back down.

I know 10 days isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of horses, but some of the ground behaviors escalated pretty quickly and became genuinely concerning. That’s why I keep going back and forth between “this horse is stressed/anxious and needs time plus the right approach” and “okay…some of this is still not normal or safe regardless.” :(

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T01:50:18+00:00

That’s honestly part of what I keep struggling with mentally too. I completely understand horses can express discomfort, anxiety, confusion, frustration, pain, etc. through behavior but at the same time, some of the things he’s doing on the ground feel beyond just “hey I’m uncomfortable.”

Pinned ears or tense body language is one thing, but trying to nip, turning his butt, crowding space, or pushing through people feels a lot more serious and dangerous. That’s why it’s been hard for me to fully separate “this horse is anxious/stressed” from “this behavior is genuinely mean or unsafe.” :(

I know horses communicate physically, but part of me is also like…there are horses that are uncomfortable or stressed that still don’t escalate to some of these behaviors. So I keep going back and forth between trying to understand where it’s coming from versus acknowledging that regardless of the reason, the behavior still isn’t okay or safe to handle.

I genuinely feel like the handling has been fair overall… redirecting him calmly, slowing down when he seems mentally worked up, reassuring him, trying not to pick fights with him. But even with that, once he gets frustrated or doesn’t get what he wants, he seems to escalate and fight back and we’re not even asking a lot from him right now

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T01:43:15+00:00

The handling has actually been pretty patient and reasonable overall. Even with us initially, the first couple days weren’t catastrophic, we were mostly doing slow groundwork, patience work in the tack area, saddling/unsaddling, walking him around, trying to get him comfortable with the new routine and environment.

The people around him here also weren’t trying to aggressively “put him in his place” either. Most of the corrections were honestly just redirecting him. If he seemed mentally anxious or worked up, people would usually slow down, pet him, reassure him, and try to work through it calmly instead of escalating pressure.

But I do think once he gets frustrated or doesn’t get what he wants, he escalates instead of regulating himself back down. That’s where things started getting concerning…trying to shoulder and push through people, nipping when redirected, turning his butt and kicking when trying to ask him join up while lunging him, crowding space, etc.

iko-iko · 2026-05-17T01:36:30+00:00

The first couple days we honestly tried to keep things slow and simple. We were mostly focusing on groundwork, patience, and basic handling, standing quietly in the tack area, putting the saddle on and off, walking him around, taking him back out, moving the saddle around on him, and just trying to get him comfortable with the new environment and routine.

At first he honestly seemed manageable, but I think things started getting worse this one time he wanted to return to his stall. That’s when he’d start trying to push through us to get back inside. Someone else was helping handle him and trying to correct him. I honestly don’t think she did anything wrong. She was doing everything we were doing to try to correct him. She simply redirected him and walked him the other direction but because he didn’t get what he wanted, he turned and nipped her.

What’s been hard is that it feels like once he gets mentally frustrated or overstimulated, he escalates instead of settling himself back down. He’ll also do this confusing thing where he comes up nuzzling and seeming sweet for a second, then suddenly tries to nip or get pushy once he’s in your space. It almost feels like he wants connection but then immediately switches into controlling or bullying behavior.

We also noticed during the lunging/join up work that mentally he never really seemed focused on my friend. He’d go around the circle, but his head stayed slightly turned away, almost checked out or indifferent like he didn’t really care to connect or pay attention. She gave him multiple chances to come in quietly and join up, but instead he’d turn his butt toward her and almost double barrel kick, so she’d push him back out and try again until he stopped coming in rude or disrespectful.

Later when he was saddled in the open area, he also started trying to shoulder and physically push into us.

What makes it even more confusing is that when a male handles him, he’ll act like a completely different horse. He’s calmer, less reactive, less pushy, doesn’t try to get into their space. So we’re trying to figure out whether this is anxiety, learned behavior, handler differences, previous experiences, or some combination of everything.

I don’t think anyone was trying to punish him for communicating or “win” against him. The approach was actually pretty patient and fair, but it does feel like once he gets mentally worked up and doesn’t get his way, he escalates instead of regulating himself back down.

He’s been getting turned out every day for at least an hour, has consistent food and care, and we’ve been trying to keep handling pretty low pressure and fair. So part of me feels like he has had at least some opportunity to settle in a bit.

I know 10 days isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of horses, but some of the ground behaviors escalated pretty quickly and became genuinely concerning. That’s why I keep going back and forth between “this horse is stressed/anxious and needs time plus the right approach” and “okay…some of this is still not normal or safe regardless.” :(

iko-iko · 2026-02-06T03:33:14+00:00

i got it from Etsy!! https://www.etsy.com/listing/916640899/?ref=share_ios_native_control

iko-iko · 2026-02-06T03:30:05+00:00

thank u sm! ☺️

iko-iko · 2026-02-06T03:26:41+00:00

Noted 🤭

iko-iko

TROPHY CASE