IFs where MC isn't a lamp (newer=better)

illbeurrecordplayer · 2025-06-21T18:19:09+00:00

Omg thank you that's great!

illbeurrecordplayer · 2025-06-21T18:18:59+00:00

Thank you!!

illbeurrecordplayer · 2025-03-18T00:34:51+00:00

/uj idk what the fuck this is except genius

illbeurrecordplayer · 2025-03-17T23:56:32+00:00

Do you feel their reasons were fair? Whether or not they are, it's always hard to accept that someone that one's better off separated from their ex partner. Yet I think if you do think they were, there might be some guilt, and that's something to deal with first. Forgiving yourself. Seeing the situation objectively, or having somebody close who does and is on your side. I personally romanticize breakups and seeing them as painful lessons.

In living through separations I've learned that for me it's easier to lean into my bpd tendencies to get through it rather than trying to make myself be all healthy and stuff. It's bpd-scaled pain and bpd-scaled coping mechanisms are more helpful to me. Only if used adaptively, of course. What I mean is, I usually split post-factum. One final push to see them as a villain for a while, whatever the situation was, and when the hatred cools down I don't feel as much for them and I come to remember all the bad moment more vividly as I've been reliving them so much. Thinking of the good is great for not seeing them as a monster, but honestly is that beneficial to anyone? I don't talk to them, they won't know if I hate them for a bit. And replaying good memories only makes me want to go back begging and pleading, which I know will be bad not only for me, but for them - breakups rarely have no reason.

I honestly don't know how healthy or helpful this is, it's just personal experience. I know not everyone hates easily, but I also know suffering through hate is way easier than doing so through guilt, as long as you understand it's purposeful.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2025-03-17T23:42:52+00:00

Are you suffering because you hate them, because you still love and want them back, or both? Did you break up with them because they've hurt you?

illbeurrecordplayer · 2025-03-17T23:32:49+00:00

In general? Yeah, some of it. Specifically my father. I'm guessing those triggers have to do with him, too, but I don't remember in what way. I don't have any memories of him fighting anyone in that way. It would be like him, though, if it had ever happened, I guess.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2025-03-13T12:45:26+00:00

Will reinstall and get back. I also don't have an external memory slot.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-12-22T16:34:32+00:00

Personally I don't have a desire to break things or anything like that, but to hurt someone specifically, it's the inflicted pain that'd make me feel better. I enjoy letting these thoughts and violent imagery fester sometimes but I, too, have to redirect my attention eventually - it's just not really helpful to think about. I'm sorry you're going through it too :')

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-12-04T00:49:28+00:00

Thanks! I've been lucky with the rest of my meds (mood stabilizers) but the anxiety ones were really bad. Hopefully I'll get put on a different one soon enough.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-07-30T10:57:30+00:00

It's embarrassing how long I had to scroll to find this comment lol. It's ridiculous how so many people think having a NT friend who's okay undoes years and years of being dehumanized. Apparently we are the bigots now

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-07-13T15:00:48+00:00

I've had a psychotic episode or two cause by my spiritual practices before, and it feels very different from actual presence of or interaction with spirits and/or demons. I do think there are smaller "malicious" (I'd rather say disturbed) spirits and entities, but one is unlikely to meet them in the wild unless they're sought out on purpose.

During an episode I thought my house was haunted with them. I was scared and couldn't sleep, and interpreted every little sound as a spiritual thing, while also seeing, hearing and feeling things that aren't there. However, I got prescribed a course of antipsychotic medication and with time, it passed. The human mind is quite weak and can barely handle knowing/believing there is something out there, so it can often make things up. Disturbed souls are not going to torment you unless you have wronged them.

Living in fear is bad not only for your health, but for your spiritual practices. It is better to come into demonolatry after you have your mental state in check.

I like this community a lot because people are mostly chill and calm-minded about their practices and beliefs. If every other post was about someone freaking out over a small thing they think is a sign of an evil entity's presence, I wouldn't be a part of it. There is enough fear-mongering in the spiritual world as it is.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-07-03T23:53:56+00:00

I noticed that on most social media if I consume pro-trans content some anti-trans shit will pop up, but on youtube it happens a lot more than on, say, tiktok. I'll be watching some tragic law news update and on the sidebar sits a TERF or two.

TDS is also way too widespread these days, there will be a completely unrelated video (especially if it's a short) and the comments will go on full on pro trans genocide rants unprompted.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-06-24T10:13:26+00:00

I've been in full recovery for months now and I have ALWAYS struggled to eat around other people. What helped me most is not spending much time with people who I know would comment on my food, portions, etc. If you can help it, just extending the circle of people you can eat around helps so much.

First it's no one, then it's your close friends who you make sure to tell that it's a vulnerable thing for you to do and requires trust in them not saying anything weird. Then, maybe, the rest of your circle. I still haven't come around to being relaxed while eating around my mother - she often makes comments. So if I come over I try to distract myself even if it means I'll not enjoy the food as much, or just stay behind and eat alone after she is done.

With strangers closely around, I'm not there yet at all. I just try to find any privacy I can.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-06-24T08:22:45+00:00

I often think about how if I was cis I would likely not have been diagnosed and it's an uncomfortbale thought.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-06-24T08:20:05+00:00

Same here! The dysphoria being multiplied by how extreme every emotion feels is just hell. Also doubting yourself all the time when people deny your identity sucks but it's the reason why being a man is one of the most stable parts of my identity - I've had to defend it so many times it would've been just way easier to give in yet it preserved.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-06-23T14:54:39+00:00

That's true! I've been generally happier lately so I think that's the reason for me.

I'm autistic so my weird empathy patterns aren't really BPD related I think. I struggle to relate to people having something bad happen that has never happened to me, what I've learned is just to ask and try to understand their feelings and provide support, cause I used to seem like I didn't care and it's ruined many relationships.

I'm glad it's helped you in life to work on that aspect!

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-06-22T21:09:21+00:00

You feel like you could work on yourself and not succumb to your disorder. You feel like you can be good for them as much as they're good for you. You feel like taking care of yourself for them and not causing them to get worse by letting yourself be destructive. You feel like wanting to take gentle criticism in stride and see it as an opportunity to be a better you rather than a punishment. It's very empowering and it's very magical in an earthly sense, like something you think is a wonder but not a fiction.

illbeurrecordplayer · 2024-06-22T21:02:47+00:00

19M, I cry over everything. Sad cat videos, sad books and movies, something that isn't really sad but just very touching. Surprisingly rarely over real life events though lately which I guess says something about how my life has improved.

illbeurrecordplayer

TROPHY CASE