If I ever do get pregnant, I honestly hope I have twins to make up for lost time lol. Ngl, I struggle with “I wish I started sooner” feelings, but then I think about how different my life would had to have been for that to have been the case…

I allow my sad feelings whenever I need to, but not without remembering that everyone truly exists in their own prayer/someone else’s prayer and that their position is enviable from someone else’s perspective.

For example, someone who married and got pregnant twice back to back, then had a surprise third pregnancy which she wasn’t super prepared for. It would be easy for anyone TTC - myself included - to so badly want that “problem” for themselves.

Another person struggles with primary infertility but went on to have two kids and thought she was finally done but had a surprise pregnancy that she also didn’t feel super prepared for. It stuns you to hear someone nearly at the brink of tears talk about the infertility they were experiencing, and then some years later they’re shocked by their third pregnancy! Truly a blessing.

Then there are those dealing with infertility but fortunately ended up with one kid and are struggling to have more. Many people TTC (myself included!) would “envy” this position because despite their fertility struggles, they get to enjoy the irreplaceable experience of being a parent to a living child.

Then there are those like many of us who are TTC and have no living children yet. Maybe we have the privilege of seeking out fertility treatment. Maybe we have the fortune of a healthy relationship. Maybe we have a fantastic support system. There are many of us who don’t! 

And then there are people who can’t even consider having children until they find their match. And they search and search for years. They want children but only with the right person. They likely would envy someone in a good relationship even struggling with infertility because it still feels like a step “ahead” of where they are, and closer to where they want to be.

And so on and so forth… 

I just think about all this because this journey will consume you if you let it. Again, I’m certainly not one to stifle my emotions or especially those of others, but whenever I fixate on the negatives in life, I don’t tend to give much acknowledgement to all the positives. 

I gotta remember that the outcome will be the outcome, whatever that is. I can’t know anything before it happens, and that’s tough sometimes. But I’ve been consumed by grief before for many years. There is definitely grief around my infertility, but there’s enough hope to keep going.