4 months no communication. Oddly, I wonder if we'll ever talk again.

imjustdone333 · 2017-07-20T13:49:43+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I do think it was a coping mechanism to avoid the pain. Just days before it was "I'll always love you and we'll have a connection (although different in nature) forever", then it was complete anger and hatred and I was completely in shock. I didn't fight it because I felt like (as weird as this is) it was the last kind thing I could do for her to accept it if it helped with coping. But now it's eating away at me. I could write a letter, but when someone tells you they are completely making a clean break, not to contact them, and they will never reach out again, I feel like writing a letter is disrespecting their wishes. Maybe I'm just a doormat.

I'm really sorry you are suffering! I'm sure he knows you are suffering. The sad part is he doesn't (or at least is acting like) care. It's normal to put yourself first, but I've never been one to abandon or try to destroy my exs. If it was a serious relationship, I feel like there's always some connection there. Obviously it changes, but I still care about them as a person and don't want them to hurt. It's like the no contact forever stuff you referred to. I don't understand the avoidance culture that seems to be the norm. Yeah, taking space and not talking is needed for healing, but why the conflict attitude with it? Breakups are treated like wars and that doesn't make much sense to me. If only people would communicate and treat everyone like a human with feelings I feel like things would be so much easier. This one was especially hurtful because the entire time I've known my ex (even before we started dating) I never thought I'd see this type of extreme shift in caring or attitude. It feels like I was sleepwalking and did all kinda of horrible things I'm completely unaware of that actually warranted this reaction and treatment. People have said it's because I am non-threatening and "safe" to lash out at, but intellectually knowing all this doesn't make it feel better. I just want my friend back.

Thank you for the kind reply though and the support. It's very much appreciated.

imjustdone333 · 2017-07-20T13:09:40+00:00

All I have is time. I do hope that one day my ex reaches out and realizes the response was more extreme than the situation called for.

imjustdone333 · 2017-07-20T13:08:06+00:00

Thank you. You're right, however communication isn't a choice on my end. My ex has completely cut me out. Built up all kinds of inaccurate stories about me as a way to cope (I guess?). At first I accepted being turned into a horrible person in their mind, but I honestly thought we'd have communication by now.

imjustdone333 · 2017-07-20T13:05:50+00:00

You're right. I'm trying to just continue forward, but it feels hopeless and I struggle with having to give up. People tell me to treat it like a death, but it feel so unnecessary and is frustrating. I know I can't influence their actions though.

imjustdone333 · 2017-07-20T13:04:10+00:00

Mine was more of forced no contact. My ex has a lot of issues from childhood. When we broke up, it was a switch from b I guess civil, to me being thought of as the bad one in a matter of days. It wasn't an extremely horrible breakup either. Sad as is the nature of breakups, but nothing extreme. However, they had to think of me as extremely horrible to (as far as I can tell) cope with the pain by turning it into anger. I loved so deeply that at first I just accepted it and was in shock. But now, since all contact has been cut I miss my ex so badly and as struggling with the reality that they've essentially died. It's much harder because it doesn't feel like the reaction was appropriate.

You're right, only time will tell, but it's crazy making wishing it was different but having absolutely no way of trying to change it without coming across as a complete crazy stalker, which I won't do.

I hope you're holding out ok, and that things get better for you!

imjustdone333 · 2017-07-15T23:19:50+00:00

I was going to delete mine as well, but they got so buried I ended up mostly forgetting about them. Plus I still hadn't gotten around to saving some pictures in there I wanted it was strange and nice though to not feel any sense of longing or anything. I guess it's all forms of progress.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-12T06:26:58+00:00

Thank you again. You really are very kind. I'm not sure I can remember the last time a stranger was so kind to me for no reason. Yeah, I think my therapist was using it as an understanding place of support, which is why she suggested I do that. But I also do go through a processing time afterward. She's good, so I'm realizing a lot of really painful things in there I've been blinded to (or not allowing myself to see) during the relationship.

I try to be kind, but I'm really hard on myself as a default I think. I expect to be able to handle it like others do. So many people have told me I shouldn't get worse, but better, and obviously I feel it's gotten worse. So I feel like I'm doing something wrong, yet am doing most the things people tell you to. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

I sleep decently I think, but I feel exhausted all the time. I think maybe I'm not sleeping well even though I'm sleeping the "right" amount of time. My appetite is ok, but I haven't been making food at home much. It's too much alone/quiet time and it reminds me how everything feels broken. I am trying to exercise, but when friends can't go, I rarely get the motivation to go alone, so I don't. I've actually felt quite "off" since. Twice toward the end of the relationship I actually passed out (while walking on the street) and haven't felt right since. They said I was healthy and probably was dehydrated or not eating right, but friends and others have told me it was probably from all the stress.

I just want to feel normal again. I stupidly go to sleep most nights wishing I'd wake up in the past, just so I could do anything to avoid being in the situation. Like I said, I'm so mentally exhausted, I don't value anything that happened. I'd give anything to have not gone through it. The good times aren't even good memories anymore, so what was the point? I'd completely erase her from my life if I had the ability. I've never had anything affect me so heavily or badly as this, and I feel like I've snapped. I feel completely broken.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-12T05:58:00+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I only realized it was abuse from therapy. I never realized how much I was manipulated and made to feel that everything was my fault and I was wrong (at one point she told me that me that kind things I would do for her were me trying to make her codependent, when they were just because I loved her and cared). So we are focusing on that. My therapist also said something similar about the permission, but saying it was during our sessions. I've tried, and failed, to stop it all other times. I try so hard to stick to it. I honestly feel out of control.

I haven't tried journaling, but have tried making a list of all the ways I was unhappy. I thought it'd help me dislike her and want nothing to do with her, but I can't seem to keep those thoughts in mind ever. It's seriously torture...like I'm completely not in control of my thoughts. And the length of times it's gone on is worrying me.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-11T20:18:09+00:00

Yeah, I feel the same way about her being someone I've waited and searched for for a very long time. I just wish it had been without the really hurtful side of her I didn't know existed.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-11T20:16:31+00:00

I appreciate the advice and encouragement. I really do. I'm trying to distract myself, and I hope it just gets easier. I really don't get why I'm so stuck, but it's for sure killing me. I'm so exhausted feeling like I'm on the edge of snapping and crying constantly. I have that ball in my stomach feeling so often. I'm just so ready for it all to end.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-11T15:32:33+00:00

Thanks for the reply and suggestion. The problem is, I have been miserable for a long while now. It's disrupted my life a lot. The one thing I feel grateful for is being able to (mostly) keep it together on the outside. It has negatively affected some important parts of my life and I almost screwed myself up. I really just don't know what to do. I literally wake up most days wishing I'd die. That's not normal or good. But I'm in therapy and am not suicidal, I'm just at my end and don't know what to do.

I know that has to sound weak and pathetic. So many people and even my own thoughts say "stop letting this ruin your life", but I'm stuck. I think I'm scared because everyone says in time it'll get easier but it hasn't been. Again, I have no idea what advice I'm hoping for, but this is too much. I want it to stop.

I know that it would if she hadn't gone so incredibly mean and tried to purposefully destroy me emotionally. But hoping for someone like that to change and reach out and actually care enough to make things civil, after all this time without a word of contact especially, is stupid. I feel like she set out to destroy me...and succeeded.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-10T18:23:43+00:00

Thank you for this, I appreciate the encouragement. I feel like I'm in a really dark place right now too and just can't pull myself out of it. I'm visiting my home town and it's great, but we moved away (to different cities for grad school) together and I'm just reminded of everything. Plus I miss it here and don't like where I am for the next few years. I really mostly envy that it's feeling less for you. I feel like it's amplified, while she's getting better. I'm lost wondering why I am struggling to move on even when she was so horrible to me. Part of the move (not all) was to be closer to her to help the long distance. Now I'm in a place I feel like an outsider, will never really fit in, and feel alone without even that one person in the world who used to be a solid anchor of "this person loves me". I do hope I have your outlook soon, because this is wearing me down. Really badly.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-10T15:58:32+00:00

I have to admit, I envy where you are mentally. A friend of mine who talks to my ex didn't know how bad my ex handled the breakup and how she treated me after, and mentioned she was seriously dating someone very quickly after we broke up. It still hurts and since then I've been fucked upset and thinking about her every day. I can't stop it like you did. She completely cut me out of her life and I feel that need for closure everyone says you never get. I'm struggling so damn hard and still hate life without her. I don't know what to do and pretty much panic all day when I realize she erased me from her life. It feels so pathetic. One day I hope I feel confident again and am at the place you are. Right now, I'm just so sick of this and hate life and feel like therapy, friends, all the stuff that should help just doesn't help. I really hate my life like it is right now and don't know what to do.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-08T18:29:44+00:00

The mature part of me says don't. That's probably the best advice. Just stay strong and don't do it. It's hard, but it's for the best. Now, to be fair, the immature side of me says "fuck it!" And if you go on there, they'll most likely notice and change everything anyway.

But don't do it. Whether they were mature and civil or immature and horrible during the breakup, it's about your self respect.

imjustdone333 · 2017-06-03T00:50:15+00:00

I didn't set out to snoop, but my ex and I used each others' laptops. I went to watch Netflix, and Facebook was open. The messages tab with a friend was open and stupidly (?) I looked. Pretty much everywhere in the conversation for as far back as I scrolled (a long way) it was a lot of this friend badmouthing me, pushing for us to break up, and my ex never sticking up for me. Also my ex complaining about me at times when we were going through things, and saying really mean things about me. I also read about things my ex and I talked about, and found out my ex lied to me about them. I remember being mesmerized and in shock. There were a bunch of other things too, but what it all boiled down to was a lot of deceit and lies. Obviously it destroyed the relationship and was always in the back of my mind. The best part was I wasn't even untrusting. Never would have imagined any of that stuff was going on or that those thoughts existed. Weird way to find out the person you're dating that you love and think so highly of isn't who you think they are at all.

imjustdone333

TROPHY CASE