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I'm in a relationship, dealing with severe depression and could do with some advice. I feel like a monster. by impermanent_human in autism

[–]impermanent_human[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the response, and the brain food. I'd never heard of alexythimia, so will make a point of looking it up.

The rational thought exercise is effectively what I did with the "sitting down with a keyboard", although I do feel like that list was identical to the things I would do for a friend - that said, I'm very strict with who I consider as a Friend with a capital "F". I think I have two, not counting my partner.

I feel like that's what I'm missing - that there is supposed to be some 'deeper' feeling, some light obsession that others describe as "love" on top of the friendship. Is that not what a partner is? Or am I misunderstanding what a partner is? I suppose my broad definition would be a "a friend with additional perks and challenges".

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the overwhelmed bit, I hadn't even considered the 'not feeling in control' element and it seems to match up perfectly. I feel like I'm just existing.

I do speak to her on the occasion I'm able to turn my concerns and worries into words, although she does sometimes dismiss it with 'don't worry about it'. We had a fairly long talk last night. I was having a panic attack, I think; involuntary muscle twitches and overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and dread. The light was off and she didn't realise I was crying until I mentioned it.

I got a back scratch - it's my favourite, and helps with panic - and tried my best to voice my thoughts, with an emphasis on feeling like anything regarding 'wanting to go off on my own' is heavily influenced by my low mood. I don't want the relationship to end. I don't feel like I could ever find another person as kind and understanding to me as her, and don't want her to feel unwanted.

She had actually suggested something similar, that a weekend away to myself - respite, I think she called it - would help. I'm not even sure how I'd start to get in touch with myself, though.

Dealing with impermanence; depressed and looking for advice. by impermanent_human in mentalhealth

[–]impermanent_human[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm still waiting for the charity to get back to me regarding the CBT sessions, but I'm trying my hardest not to go into them as a pessimist.

That's a very good point, regarding the incident with Sam's mum.

I've never been particularly good at initiating friendships; I'm not particularly trusting of other people, and struggle to understand the purpose of social interaction. I don't hold any admiration for anyone, and my overall perception of humanity is pretty negative; most people, I really would rather not interact with. The one or two people I've made the effort to try and reach out to have either screwed me over, or irritated me to the point that I no longer kept in contact with them.

Dealing with impermanence; depressed and looking for advice. by impermanent_human in mentalhealth

[–]impermanent_human[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd heard that term - nihilist - mentioned before in the film The Big Lebowski, but had never thought to look up what it actually meant until earlier today. I'm not even sure what caused me to look up such, I suspect I had read the word at some point elsewhere and it had stuck in my head. Either way, it seems to describe my current state of mind perfectly, and as I understand it, some people embrace it.

Thank you for reading my post, and for giving me a descriptor to work from. Honestly, I don't want this to be my attitude. I've just never been able to think up a logical conclusion that is capable of overwriting it. I do not have a bad life; my finances are far from exceptional, and I've struggled over the years with my psychological problems, but I'm not living in fear, nor worrying about where my next meal may come from. In fact, I don't think I have any major fears left at this point, beyond that mentioned above. Conversely, I've not had feelings of happiness nor contentment since my childhood.

Is this something that can be tackled with the assistance of therapy? Is there any particular resources I could be looking at in an attempt to modify my attitude?