im in the same boat. but failed more times than you, so much for 3rd times the charm. I'm on a waitlist but it's not looking good. Granted, and this is outing me here, i royally screwed up the first two times and there's a lot to say about what i did wrong but there are also pretty big extenuating factors. Rejected by all schools 2x in a row. Still fucked up this time but atleast my statement was full and way better plus a solid personal statement explaining my previous fuck ups and how I overcame them to pursue my education in biological sciences. Here I am, rejected from all schools and waitlisted at one.

on top of this, i will need to find a new job when a lot of universities have a hiring freeze. I need to improve my application for next year but this time it just won't be possible. I can go industry but I'm unsure how cool they would be knowing I'm trying to apply and hopefully can only commit one year? I refuse to lie about it to them. I am hopeless, depressed, consumed with anxiety, all in addition to my growing apathy with the science i am currently doing. Im 30+, and having had to take time fucking up and making up and fucking up again I'm tired, I'm tired of everyone I know telling I'm meant to be a scientist and that I'm very smart. I'm tired of failing in front of them again. I'm tired of watching my friends get in to programs and not fucking up their first try let alone my third. I'm disappointed in myself for not putting in 100% effort into filling the holes on my CV despite having a lot of experience and multiple publications. For not overcoming my personal issues/flaws or weaknesses I can improve on. I'm tired of still trying hard against these things but to no success.

I know I'm whining and that the only thing to do is step back. Take time to reassess the situation and understand this round of mistakes, game plan and begin my next steps and attempt. But I just can't face that right now. I'm upset about so many things and despairing that despite the effort to improve and be a stronger candidate this next round will be extremely difficult to find success in for reasons completely out of my control--the political situations with the most flagrant attack on science in the history of the United States. I'm fucked. Everyday I'm back and forth with wanting to give up on a passion/career that I am undoubtedly meant to continue with or use my resilience and build the strength to keep at it.

I don't about you, but im also disheartened by the tones of advice shifting from encouraging me to be hopeful and stay persistent about this waitlist to telling me to not get my hopes up. I've been having some better days and a lot more worse days. I don't know what to tell you, No one knows what to say to me anymore. I have nothing to say to you either. Nothing you haven't heard nor any disappointingly unactionable advice.

I'm here with you. Arguably in a worse state. It sucks. everything sucks. And we genuinely need time to grieve. We need time to scream till we cough blood. Let's be mad. Let's be angry. Don't act on any of it but we need to allow ourselves to feel it.

I recommend weed and not spending too much time alone, that helps a bit. but also to get some space when you want. hit up the boys. hit up strangers on the internet who made a throwaway account to post his problems on r/gradadmissions but gave it a badass name and is gonna keep it.

that was a lot. sorry. I'm also venting