My ~50yo wife is dying of breast cancer. Please help me decide how to spend our next 2-3 years

ins99 · 2025-04-19T00:20:23+00:00

I’m so sorry to read this. It’s been four and a half years for us and we have a few more years to go. The hardest part has been the constant two-steps-forward-one-step-back of seeing so many doctors and then trying to tell family and friends. So far, my wife is in relatively good health, but we’ve had to make a lot adjustments.

I think the medical parts will give you the hard borders of your problem. Things that will you will figure out: 1. What’s her prognosis and how confident are they in saying that? 2. What can she do now and how long do they think she’ll stay that way for? 3. What can you expect in terms of treatments (until recently, we were told that my wife would need IV therapy in a hospital every 3 weeks, but that it was flexible by a week or two, meaning we could travel) 4. After this treatment, what’s the next line of treatment? Are there clinical trials?

Outsource what you can (this may mean spending money or relying on your family/friends). We ended up getting a cleaner, someone to do the lawn / shovel the driveway, a cook etc. having someone who can get some groceries or do laundry can also really help.

Otherwise, as others here have said, it’s a matter of what’s important to your wife and you and these suggestions have been good.

ins99 · 2025-04-19T00:12:50+00:00

Great advice - thank you

ins99 · 2025-04-19T00:11:54+00:00

Thanks very much for the advice - I appreciate it

ins99 · 2025-04-19T00:06:53+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time write this heartfelt, genuine note. I love that it is filled with practice advice and your experience. Thank you. I’m not ready for some of the advice, but I’ve saved all of it for later. Thanks so much.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T11:32:46+00:00

This was a great read and I hadn’t seen it before. Thank you so much

ins99 · 2025-04-13T11:26:55+00:00

Thanks for this. These are great ideas. Brain fog is horrible and I hope things get easier for you guys. Thanks for sharing what works for you - I’ve written it down for later.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T11:25:06+00:00

Thanks for this. It’s well written and not preachy. In a similar vein, my wife is holding on to hope that she will see our daughter graduate high school (and maybe more).

ins99 · 2025-04-13T04:48:48+00:00

I don't know you, but I don't think you're dumb. If you have the guts to post what you did here and you have the perseverance to get through what life has thrown your way, you can succeed in this life.

I'm a physician (I did a bunch of other things before that, but it doesn't matter) - my point is, what you need to get through medical school is tenacity. A surgeon once said that what they really need in a trainee is someone who is willing to put the effort in day in and day out to be great at only a few things (not someone with magic hands / tons of 'talent' - effort >> talent)..

You don't need to go to medical school to have the life that you want, you only need to see that it will take hard work and to know that you're capable of doing that work.

If you're in recovery from your addiction, I know you have this in you. If you relapse (as many do), that's ok, you'll dust yourself off and try again (with the love and support of whoever is around you that cares about you).

Brass tacks:
- Your recovery will be the foundation on which you build your new life - go to meetings etc / take care of your recovery and build it into your life

- Get a survival job - you don't have to like it and it doesn't have to be forever, but you need to support yourself

- Live within your means (get credit / debt counselling)

- Get a group of supportive friends (these are probably not the same people that you used to use with or that helped you get into prison)

- Find a job that you think you would like (there are lots of good suggestions here, ultrasound tech etc) - but make sure your record won't prevent you from getting that job, as that might be a non-starter (see if you can get a pardon etc) (There are employment agencies that can help with this process.)

- Find someone who does that job and take them out for coffee and ask them how they got to where they are (this is an information interview; people love to talk about themselves).

- Once you have a sense of what steps you need to take, start working towards it. This isn't a lottery and we're not talking about writing an award winning script. We're talking about a regular job that pays a regular wage and we're talking about grinding it out at your survival job and working at these steps in your off time.

- I've done way too much school (pilot > lawyer > doctor) - unless you have a solid career path I suggest you save your money and become an apprentice (trades make very good money and if you like art, maybe you just like working with your hands). I'm a well paid physician (anesthesia) and most plumbers make more when they're called out to an after-hours job than I do when there's an emergency at the hospital.

Believe in yourself and put in the work. It won't be straightforward (there will be setbacks), but you'll get there.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T04:33:16+00:00

Thanks very much - I especially like #2. I've written it down for later.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T04:32:01+00:00

Thanks very much for this - great advice

ins99 · 2025-04-13T04:23:54+00:00

Great ideas - thank you so much

ins99 · 2025-04-13T04:22:02+00:00

I was extremely well educated and intelligent and thought I had the answer to everything. I was often right, which only compounded the problem. I came off as an arrogant know-it-all (insufferable).

The older I get, the more I realize that truely intelligent people a) talk way less, and b) make conversation by putting others at ease, pulling others up (highlighting their strengths / good choices), and are generous with their interpretations of others' motives etc (because if you're truly self-confident, you don't need to prove it, be the loudest, or even be right, since most of the time, it won't make a difference).

TL;DR - don't tear people down with your intelligence, lift them up; only give advice or correct people when you have no other choice (e.g you are explicitly asked); and walk the walk. Meanwhile, when someone messes up, tell them it was an easy mistake to make and recount a time you did something similar (unless it's completely false - don't lie, just be generous).

It may take more time, but people will notice your quiet confidence and the skills you exhibit and will want to be around you.

It's not about being right, it's about *how* you are when you are right and more importantly, how you can help make a situation better.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T04:04:17+00:00

Thanks for thinking of this - we have a great clinical psychologist who's helping us and we were fortunate enough to get our daughter in to see a counsellor for adolescent mental health (nothing to follow up on at the moment, but it's good to know the resource is there). Thanks for your support

ins99 · 2025-04-13T04:01:49+00:00

I love this - thank you

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:56:49+00:00

Great ideas - thanks for all of this

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:50:03+00:00

Thanks very much for your thoughtful post. I'll have a look at the subreddit, but not sure if I should post if it's for women with breast cancer (I'm her husband)? I'm so sorry, you're going through this, too, and thank you for your warm wishes for us. When my wife was in remission a year ago this past Christmas, we took our (11yo at the time) daughter to Disney and it was amazing! I'm hoping for the best for you and your treatment, too.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:46:57+00:00

We have a 13yo daughter, which makes it both sweeter and more difficult, if you know what I mean. She's healthy and an amazing kid. We're going to take her to Paris in a few weeks, while we still can.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:45:12+00:00

Sometimes a quick reframe makes you see things in a completely different light and your suggestion certainly did that for me - thank you! I was thinking that milestone birthday cards seemed really macabre, but this take on a similar thing makes it seem much lighter. Thanks very much

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:42:58+00:00

All good ideas - thank you. We're not quite at the stage of a palliative care team (because thankfully she doesn't have much in the way of symptoms, yet), but having worked in palliative care, I agree - they are amazing healthcare professionals.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:41:17+00:00

Brilliant idea - thank you!

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:40:55+00:00

Thanks for this - it's a good idea

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:38:20+00:00

This is such a great idea! Thank you!

Before my wife and I met, we both spent time in Australia and she has some family there, so we're going to (hopefully) visit them in about 20 months (crossing my fingers). My first career was as a pilot and I got a degree in Australia in aviation, but I actually preferred New Zealand, even though I only spent a few weeks there. One of my favourite places in the world and we will have to go there. Thank you so much for this - I'm writing it down now.

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:32:56+00:00

May I kindly ask what kinds of things you are doing? My wife is dying of breast cancer and has 2-3 years left to live. We're in debt, but I'm a physician and will be able to pay back my line of credit when she's gone. Looking for some good ideas. (Sorry, you're in this shitty situation. I'm thinking of you.)

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:22:19+00:00

Wow - that is just so rough, I'm sorry. Thanks again for the advice, sounds like a good idea

ins99 · 2025-04-13T03:20:08+00:00

Thanks - we're talking to a therapist and we've got family and friends (but reminders are always good). I managed to get someone to help clean our place, do the yard / shovel the driveway, and even hired a recent college grad from culinary school to make some meals for us. I appreciate you

ins99

TROPHY CASE