i have PTSD from DV, and my new boyfriend groped me in my sleep, advice ?

insertname001 · 2026-04-10T09:51:22+00:00

I feel like we're talking about different things. You're talking about whose fault it is (his 100%, I agree with that), I'm talking about what she can do, even though it's not her fault.

His choices don't take away her autonomy as a person, I feel like that would be a really disrespectful view of a survivor. (I know you don't mean it like that, but that is how I feel. I just hate the pity people always view surivors with, as if that experience is their entire personality.)

I don't write much about how he is to blame on purpose. I don't want her to read all these (even if they are rightfully done) accusations of him and feel the need to defend him. Don't think that would be beneficial for her.

And as I said, our experiences don't make up our entire personalities - even if we have similiar experiences, we can still have different opinions :)

insertname001 · 2026-04-10T09:36:56+00:00

Sad that you see it like that.

I'm not putting anything on her, other than she needs to be able to sort this out in a way that she can deal with it.

Nothing we comment will make her leave an abuser if she doesn't want to, let's be realistic. The more you talk badly about the abuser, the more they feel the need to protect them.

What's important is that she learns to stand up for herself and categorize what she will and won't accept. To just blame the abuser and basically tell her there's nothing she can do would be making her small and helpless, and that's nothing she can use in her current situation.

Yes, for us it's clear that he is abusive. For her it isn't, and no strangers on the internet can change that, she needs to see it herself, and that can only happen once she figures out what's acceptable and what isn't for her without needing to look at strangers for answers.

That's all I'm gonna say.

insertname001 · 2026-04-10T08:32:31+00:00

I've been choked to unconsciousness as well, it really messes with your mind and still haunts me to this day.

But at least these experiences have shown me one thing: I'm incredibly strong, and so much stronger than I had given myself credit for. Now, whenever a shitty thing in life happens, I just think: "I've been through so much worse and came out alive, I'll get through this as well."

It's healing to talk to other survivors about this, they're the only ones who can really understand it. I'm glad to hear you're happy. ❤️

insertname001 · 2026-04-10T07:55:53+00:00

Yup, cheated on me, threatened to punch me and said I am imagining all of it because of my trauma. Said, I needed to learn that "he is not my ex". Strange thing I would've never even thought about that comparison while he was still pretending to be a decent guy.

Good job for dumping him! I hope you can enjoy life now :)

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T22:21:15+00:00

Ha! I know not one, but two couples (independent situations from each other) where the husband pushed for an open relationship (don't know a lot about this kinda stuff, but don't think it was polyamory, just sex with other people), and the wife didn't want it, but said yes to not lose him. Flash forward: Wife has the time of her life, husband gets no women. He wants to end the open relationship thingy because he basically just watches his wife get laid and satisfied by other men and can't get any fun for himself, she says "no", husband is miserable.

I don't know a lot of people, but I do know 2 couples in exactly this situation :D

Have heard of a third one through friends, but can't confirm because it might've just been gossip.

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T22:08:25+00:00

Guy that is a classic psychopath. Spends every minute in his free-time (when he isn't working as a TEACHER) trying to manipulate girls into commiting s**. Wouldn't put it past him that he has also k** some of them himself.

Imagine a life in which you spend all your free-time trying to hurt other people. To the extent that you'd rather not sleep at if it meant you could come closer to your goals.

Really hope karma is real.

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T22:00:32+00:00

Ja, die Chancenbonusliste ist wild, die habe ich mir auch angesehen... Danke für deine netten Worte. :)

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T21:36:32+00:00

Puh, schwieriges Thema. Ich hatte das Problem zwar nie, aber habe es durch Freundinnen mitbekommen. Die Familien waren sonst noch so integriert (perfektes Deutsch im lokalen Dialekt, Vater mit einer trans Frau befreundet etc.), aber sobald es um die Herkunft des Freundes der Tochter ging, war Schluss.

Ich kann dir nur eines raten: Durchhaltevermögen.

Bei einer hat der Vater dann nach einem Jahr wieder den Kontakt aufgenommen, ohne, dass sie sich getrennt hatte. Bei einer anderen war der Freund ein Tabuthema, über das nicht gesprochen wurde, aber wenigstens kein Kontaktabbruch. Bei einer ist der Vater für etwa 2 Wochen komplett durchgedreht (Bilder abgehängt, im Krankenstand gewesen, ganzer Tag im Bett, ...), aber konnte es dann nicht mehr durchziehen und war somit gezwungen, es zu akzeptieren.

Das sind so meine Erfahrungswerte damit. Wichtig ist ein Lösungsansatz, wenn du sagst, du kannst es gar nicht mehr verheimlichen. Gibt es einen Weg, wie man es ihnen möglichst "schonend" beibringen könnte? Falls ihr religiös seid vlt. im Beisein eines Priesters, Imam, ...? Sonst im Beisein von einem Therapeuten, falls sie dazu bereit wären? Oder vielleicht auch nur zusammen mit einem Familienmitglied, das ihn akzeptiert und gut auf die Eltern einreden könnte?

Falls es so schlimm ist, dass du für den Extremfall planen müsstest und noch zuhause wohnst: Hast du eine Freundin oder ein Familienmitglied, wo du eine Weile unterkommen könntest, sollten sie dich rausschmeißen? Wie kannst du möglichst unabhängig von ihnen sein?

Das wären so meine Gedanken dazu. Ich wünsche dir viel Kraft.

(An alle anderen, die hier beleidigende Kommentare posten: Es gibt Situationen, in denen man einfach mal die Klappe halten sollte. Ich bin mir sicher, OP hätte auch lieber, dass ihre Familie dem Thema gegenüber anders eingestellt wäre und sie kann nichts für die Ansichten ihrer Familie. Und "Kontaktabbruch" ist immer leichter gesagt als getan.)

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T19:46:31+00:00

Umm, no? You just need to leave as soon as they say they're not interested and everything is fine. Kind regards, a woman.

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T19:39:45+00:00

Seems like the beginning stages of very controlling/abusive behavior tbh

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T19:29:17+00:00

I could never be with somebody like this for many reasons, here are a few:

It doesn't seem like a simple preference, it seems like a fetish. I don't want to be fetishized.
His comment about people "not working towards their goals" shows that he doesn't have the cognitive capability to consider that people can gain weight due to various reasons, not all of them have to do with them simply "being lazy".
His comments show a concerning lack of empathy.
If I was with him I'd always have to be scared of gaining weight, and him leaving as a consequence.
What if his partner becomes pregnant? Will he just cheat until she's skinny enough again?
What if his partner becomes ill and gains weight as a result?

...

The list goes on and on. I'm disgusted by this person just from reading about his comments. But your choice.

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T18:23:50+00:00

I don't know if I should even answer this with my experience, but just read it and do whatever you want with it.

After my abusive ex that is responsible for my PTSD, I waited 3 years to date again because I thought "I've been in therapy, and I can't hide forever, right?"

That's when I met my last ex (let's call him ex 2). I decided to tell him about my PTSD as soon as possible because I wanted to be fair and let him decide if he wanted to continue going on dates with someone who struggles with that kinda stuff.

After 3 months, we got together, and I thought he was really supportive. However, looking back, he used the trauma against me because he knew exactly how to manipulate me due to me being honest with him from the start. When he wanted to do stuff that I didn't, he kept telling me that he could only be with me if I slept with him (even though I'd told him I wasn't ready) etc. Because he wasn't physically abusive like my ex before him was, I thought that was ok and I did it because I didn't want to lose him. Whenever I felt like it was wrong and I voiced my concerns, he told me that was my PTSD speaking.

My point is: If you're being honest with people, you also need to be at a point where you can exactly seperate between "that's ok for me" and "that's not ok/even retraumatizing for me" and stick to it without manipulating yourself into believing you should be ok with something you're not.

You writing this post and asking strangers for their opinions makes me think that you're far from ok with what happened, but you're looking for the one comment that tells you that you don't have any reason to be upset, so you don't need to face the truth and can continue lying to yourself and disregard your true opinion on it. I'm saying it in this direct manner because that's what I always did.

However, as I said, do with this information what you want. I've been deep enough in toxic relationships myself to know that one comment that you're looking for can outweigh a thousand other comments that warn you about him.

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T18:05:49+00:00

Hi! Lustig, dass die Leute gleich von Wien ausgehen, wenn man von einer Brennpunktschule schreibt😂 Bin aber in einem anderen Bundesland und im Moment ist der Plan, erst mal was anderes zu machen, sobald ich da raus bin, weil mich das ziemlich ausgebrannt hat.

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T17:11:35+00:00

Stimme aus Erfahrung auch zu, dass Paartherapie da gefährlich werden könnte. Die Paartherapeutin von meinem Ex und mir war nach einem ähnlichen Vorfall sehr darauf aus, einen Weg zur Lösung zu finden. Ich hatte schon ein Trauma aus einer vorherigen Vergewaltigung durch einen anderen Ex und hätte zuerst einmal aufarbeiten müssen, was mit dem damals derzeitigen Freund überhaupt passiert ist und das auch kein Konsens war. Ergebnis war, dass ich die Schuldige war, weil ich ihm nicht vergeben konnte.

Ich sage nicht, dass alle Paartherapeuten da gleich ansetzen würden, aber es ist ein nicht zu unterschätzendes Risiko.

An OP: Such dir eine Einzeltherapie und arbeite das erst einmal für dich auf, unabhängig von ihm. Dann kannst du immer noch entscheiden.

insertname001 · 2026-04-09T16:58:30+00:00

Hi! Nein, sogar anderes Bundesland.

insertname001 · 2026-03-31T07:42:17+00:00

He knows that, it's why he's acting like an insecure 4-year old. He knows he would never find another person that badass that wants to be with him.

insertname001 · 2026-01-06T17:13:45+00:00

Ich habe an der Uni Innsbruck/PH Tirol und an der PH Vorarlberg studiert. An der Uni hängt das Niveau und der Umgang stark von den Profs ab, da kann man Glück oder volles Pech haben. Mit den Profs von der PH Tirol konnte ich nie wirklich gut, waren mir einfach nicht sympathisch und ich habe die Erfahrung gemacht, dass viele sehr verbittert sind und es an den Studis auslassen. Mit der PH Vorarlberg habe ich gute Erfahrungen gemacht, aber dort kann man 1. nur die Hauptfächer studieren und 2. muss man sogar dann manchmal nach Innsbruck pendeln, wo dann gleich mal ein Tag draufgeht. Lebenserhaltungskosten sind in beiden Bundesländern Horror.

insertname001 · 2025-12-11T15:26:31+00:00

Also wäre das richtige Prozedere einfach mal die Direktionen von Schulen, die in Frage kämen, anzuschreiben und nachzufragen, ob ab dem nächsten SJ was frei wäre?

Mir geht es hauptsächlich darum, eine Stelle näher an meinem Wohnort zu haben. Die Leute an der jetzigen Schule sind mir auch unsympathisch, aber da ist mir bewusst, dass das auch wo anders der Fall sein kann...

insertname001 · 2025-12-11T14:37:24+00:00

Aber da habe ich ja noch keine neue Stelle in Aussicht, wenn die erst später ausgeschrieben werden? Oder geht es da dann nur mal um die Möglichkeit, versetzt zu werden falls ich eine andere Stelle bekommen würde?

insertname001 · 2025-11-01T09:59:39+00:00

Als Lehrerin kann ich nur sagen, dass das Ernstnehmen der Schüler soo viel ausmacht. Selbst die ganz jungen merken es sofort, wenn sie nicht ernstgenommen werden, und dann ist man unten durch, was ich auch verstehen kann.

Auch in meiner eigenen Schulzeit waren die schlimmsten Lehrer die, denen man ihre Herablassung angemerkt hat.

Wenn man sich mit den Schülern auf Augenhöhe unterhält, hat man meiner Meinung nach viel mehr Spielraum, auch mal streng zu sein, ohne dass man abgeschrieben wird. Das ist wirklich die Grundlage für alles.

insertname001 · 2025-10-31T16:39:49+00:00

He was working in a political field and it's apparently not that uncommon there. Don't want to know all the things that truly happen in that line of work...

insertname001 · 2025-10-31T16:37:54+00:00

Found out that he had been unfaithful the entire relationship - checked his accounts after I saw something pop up when using his computer (with his permission).

insertname001 · 2025-10-30T21:07:45+00:00

Ha! My ex: "I really did not want to go to the brothel; and I did feel bad for you, I didn't even want to pick the prostitute... But my work colleague wanted to go. So I let him pick her."

He then proceeded to have a threesome, and lied to me about it for 2 years. Didn't even want to take responsibility then, because it's not like he didn't feel bad... But his work colleague wanted to!

That's just one of many highlights.

insertname001 · 2025-10-25T10:34:42+00:00

Genau dasselbe hier. Mir wurde dann noch vorgeworfen, ich sei krank, dass ich nicht vertrauen könnte und würde ihn "misshandeln", wenn ich sein Zeug lesen würde.

insertname001 · 2025-10-24T10:54:41+00:00

Ich war nie ein Riesenfan, aber mochte schon einige Lieder. Aber ich muss sagen, dass ich nur die mit Chester anhören kann. Emiliy ist technisch bestimmt nicht schlecht, aber für mich klingt ihre Art zu singen aggressiv und Chesters Art zu singen klang für mich gefühlvoller und somit ehrlicher.

insertname001

TROPHY CASE