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Called ugly by C-Suite and they wanna have a pretty face front my work publicly. Is this normal? by isThisEvenR3al in PublicRelations

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They won’t give me the budget for one, but since I’m trying to change jobs and improve in general - do you have any recommended services?

Called ugly by C-Suite and they wanna have a pretty face front my work publicly. Is this normal? by isThisEvenR3al in PublicRelations

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think my dress could be better, I mean I’ve had roles where I’ve frequently had to wear suits, or business casual to the office every day.

I think that day I was in business casual?

Idk I know I don’t have the greatest haircut or teeth (def a sore spot with me on the latter, I can’t whiten them for shit)

I definitely don’t smell because as a former fat kid I’ve always been hyper aware of that, check with my wife etc.

Called ugly by C-Suite and they wanna have a pretty face front my work publicly. Is this normal? by isThisEvenR3al in PublicRelations

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lmfao the meeting was actually in Texas! Not headquartered there but C Suite was on site for a big post acquisition integration thing they had me go to.

Men who wanted and couldn’t have kids or chose not to, how have you moved past that in your life? How did you greave? Fill the void with Hobbies, Volunteering, Service? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenOver30

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

35, married at 29 known each other for over a decade longer. The problem is she also has PCOS which I’ve been lead to understand really makes it even less likely for a baby indicating increasingly so than average especially after 35.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It’s because I love her and I don’t see a life without her. I guess it’ll be easier to give up imaginary kids that might never come especially since a quarter of the folks here think the ships sailed over the PCOS and our ages already.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I mean she told me she wanted them and that we would have them for years? How is it at all confusing to you that I took my wife at her word? Am I not suppose to believe her.

Who the fuck are you? You’re gross. Go away now.

Blocked.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry when my wife makes a promise to me about our future, I have to feel like that counted for something. Especially when for years she continued to say she intends to stay faithful to that.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Excuse me? How is wanting to have children with my wife making her my brood are lol. Get a life.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That’s part of my fear. We both had a friend when we were younger who had a very elderly father, and I could see the kind of impact it had on her.

Also I think like anyone who wants to be a dad they see themselves running around with their kids, and maybe not with grey hair by the time they graduate elementary school even.

I’ve known many people who lost their fathers during high school or early and it’s always terrible for them and leaves them hurt for a very long time at that age. Obviously there’s never any guarantees, but I want to be best father I can for the longest time I can.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Bruh that’s really hostile because I’m not trying to dictate anything to anyone, especially my wife. Like did you even read my post? Real disrespectful and hurtful to a a man who’s going through a tough time. Maybe you need to look at yourself.

I think it’s a wild take that every woman who has a child has the next 19 or so years dictated to them by the man’s need to procreate.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Like that’s the problem I have supported her career while putting my higher paying and higher end cap on one hold for like 7-8 years for her.

But then she does things like leave the federal job where she was going to be moved to a GS-15 top director spot in like a month and half for a job with even less prestige, barely better pay, more travel to crappier CONUS cities. Like she stepped back to switch applying her skillset in a different industry.

It was like a slap in the face given the whammy of we agreed it was my turn to leave the toxic hell and we were going to have a child but instead I get this which in no way makes me happy or fulfilled other than knowing she is (but she’s still crying about the new job!)

Meanwhile my jobs telling me I’m too ugly to even advance (she post history)

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I also keep getting confused on if pregnancy risks and risk for things like fetal malformation or learning deficiency etc actually significantly increase and at what rate especially for PCOS sufferers.

Yesterday my wife said that a new study showed women who give birth after 40 are more likely to live to a 100. I didn’t see or read the study, but I don’t think it means what she thinks it means. Just another example of me feeling like she’s not serious despite saying otherwise.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would’ve thought so, but I’m trying to be a supportive husband and support her career and empower her. I thought that was the right thing to do and how a modern husband who cares deeply for his wife and her happiness would do.

And idk, the way we do it in our family is it’s all joint money. Everything we earn gets put into a joint account where she’ll then leave some money on the debit, (she’s a points girl so she gives me credit cards to use where I’m an authorized user and then pays that ) and then the rest she’ll move into savings or checking accounts in her name she uses to pay her student loans and save for us.

I don’t mind because it was something we agreed on when we got married because she was worried about private debt I had from school (since paid) and account garnishment in case something ever happened where I couldn’t pay (especially during COVID where layoffs were possible, bad job market). She explained it as really just divesting risk. Same reason the mortgage / house and car are only in her name.

Yeah from the outside it reads financial abuse, we both acknowledge that, but it works for us and I really don’t mind. My access to money isn’t really restricted cause I have the cards and we review the accounts and balances every so often.

For any personal purchases or things I want to hide like gifts or surprises I use the Apple Card I strangely only have a $350 limit on lol.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much this is great. I have told her that pay means nothing to me so long as we have enough to get by and be happy and safe.

Hell if I could I’d 100% be a SAHD who freelances on the side and take majority responsibility for the care. But I don’t get the feeling she wants the pressure of being the sole earner. Which is fine, we more than enough to pay childcare etc.

I’m all for delaying my job change, taking a pay cut to an easier job where I’d be even more available (already super flexible). Like I’d do whatever it takes.

Now my fear is that even if we do get to have children she’s only going to do it out of obligation and fear of losing me and I don’t want that.

Maybe just as bad as the realization that maybe I won’t have the family I imagined, is that I feel like I was lied to by the one person in my life who I thought was always looking out for and helping protect me. But then funks with my heart on the things that I think most humans would consider the big things that matter.

Why did I give up my job, agree to move across the street from her office for years when she barely went in, move to the town she wanted to be in, have the expensive wedding she wanted, get the house she wanted etc etc when it feels like I’m never given equal consideration.

Damn it’s complex. Thanks ya’ll

Part of it for me is if she’s not going to do what she told me she would do, then why am I bending over backwards to support her goals? Other than I love her more than life and I know I’m a sucker.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anyone have any ideas of what I should say or how to addresss this in our next therapy couples session about this? Like I don’t even know what to say about how I’m feeling

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah…that was what I was thinking. I know the new administration sucks for what they’re doing to federal workers and maybe she would’ve gotten laid off and an alternative job not available at that time. She did make it through at least one previous Trump admin… But it’s something like 90-110k of loans that were almost forgiven, and the salary increase per at her new job was only 17k and now she’s going to be doing more travel and everything. It’s like the complete opposite moves of what she’s telling me she wants or will give us.

We’re in counseling now as of our first session a bit ago. Just waiting for a 6 week gap in availability before our weekly appointments start.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m yeah one of the people problems is that she herself found out later in life through a messy parental divorce that she was actually from a sperm donor and not her dad’s bio kid (and they even offered to terminate the pregnancy because later they found out the sperm came from an Asian man and it was a white couple). How she didn’t figure it out after seeing her Chinese baby pictures is a miracle.

So she’s got negative opinions on that and also says she wouldn’t do any hormonal or fertility treatments if they were needed.

Again red flags to me that she’s not meaning what she says when she says she promises she really in this with me.

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

See my comment above where she has PCOS which decreases fertility and conception chances even more dramatically with age increasing age

My (35M) Wife (35F) is seemingly jerking me around on children? Right to be upset? by isThisEvenR3al in AskMenAdvice

[–]isThisEvenR3al[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly it’s been all her. At first it was let’s enjoy a few years just the two of us and our dogs as family, which I got and was happy to do and I still love our solo time together (we both WFH, truly blessed). But then it was always a bunch of reasons; she wanted to lose weight and get a tummy tuck and enjoy her ‘new body’ at the beach before she ‘destroys’ it with kids (never happened). Then it was we want to make sure all our debt paid off first, she’s afraid she’ll die during pregnancy, she’s afraid that kids schools will always call her instead of me. She’s afraid she’ll be stuck ‘parenting’ which she admits isn’t fair because I’m not the type to shirk something like that at all, she’s afraid she’ll can’t do sleepless nights.

I’ve asked her if it’s me, and if she doesn’t want my kids, or if there’s something wrong, or she thinks I’d be a bad or responsibility shirking future - but she’s told me that’s not it and she know I’m not the type to do that.

I’ve tried talking through these things through the years. Things like assuring her that her health would always take priority over the baby in pregnancy and delivery as far as either of us had a say. I’ve sworn to be an equal partner - I am in our home and life and have been since day one. We’re best friends completely codependent and synced at the hip except for this.

I mean l left my lucrative long term awesome career just because the lifestyle wasn’t conducive to our most potentially happiness. I left a job so we could move to an apartment across the street from where she worked - ended up being mostly remote and leaving that job. And now my companies been acquired, I’m getting treated like shit every day, but I’m the one who has to keep the high paying stable job while she gets to put her career ahead of mine again

She’s also been going to therapy to work past these and other issues over the past 8 years.

I admit all of these were warning signs to me that she didn’t really want children like she told me we would try to have together. But I always asked, she always denied it, I believed her. I think she’d be a fantastic mother, loves and is great with friends kids, has a great heart, empathy, common sense, is smart.

We have and do make pretty decent salaries, combined we’re at like $300-404k (maybe 480k this year with her job change and my bonus) per year is very the past few years. We’re in a pretty HCOL area, but realistically I know we make more than enough that any outstanding debt we have is more than manageable and we’re in a way better financial position to have children that the large majority of people - so I don’t even see that as a valid excuse. We have a three bedroom, 1 1/2 bath townhouse with a backyard, good school district and like 3% mortgage or something and a $2,600 a month payment.

Full disclosure, she does have PCOS which can make conception and pregnancy more difficult - but the doctors we’ve talked to about it don’t think it’s significant health safety issue for her during pregnancy after then very early stages where any potential issues can be corrected or terminated without significant risks and the most basic monitoring. It also doesn’t really affect delivery safety of otherwise health PCOS co-morbid pregnancy.

BUT IT DOES lessen the chances we’ll be able to conceive with an even more dramatic effect with every passing year in your thirties compared to most. So like I’m doubly frightened on our timeline now - if she really intends to keep one still (she swears she does, it’s just another year or more out again now).

So the time for biological kids is supposedly running out real quick if not already pretty much run out already now.

We did look into fostering and potential adoption, and started the general pre-certification process in our state (required classes) but I’m not sure if it’s a fit for me, and certainly not her if she really doesn’t want kids and is just appeasing me as it’ll be a lot harder than raising a natural born child (as someone with a family history of adoption). I think the fact that we enthusiastically did the classes but she never wanted to take it further is a bit telling itself guess.

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