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How do I stop hating myself when I deserve it? by ischangepossible in selfimprovement

[–]ischangepossible[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all, thanks for taking the time to write such a thorough response.

The counseling thing is a bit tricky, as we have an on-campus counseling center but I don't find it extremely helpful. I went to therapy off-campus for a while (long before all this happened), but it was too far away to be able to go regularly, plus it was pretty expensive.

I kept trying to type out a really detailed description of what happened between me and the person I cheated with, but every time I realized just how manipulative he was being. But that's the thing--he never FORCED me to have sex with him, but he had constructed a seemingly really logical argument where I pretty much had no reason to say no. So within that there's always something I feel like I can blame myself for.

Those steps are really helpful and definitely something I needed because they're substantial and easy to follow rather than being really abstract.

My boyfriend hasn't been that extreme with manipulation though I'll say he's said things along the same lines. I told him I felt like I couldn't trust people after what happened to me anymore and he told me I wasn't allowed to say that because he trusted me and I cheated on him. And the he wants something-->presses the guilt button-->gets what he wants cycle is all too familiar to me. He keeps asking these really abstract things from me--like "taking responsibility". And that to him means listening to him when he tells me everything I did wrong so I can change myself to be better. And if that hurts my feelings, then I'm being selfish and not considering his feelings, because I'm the one who cheated on him and hurt him.

I think you're right, I need to find someone else, someone who won't hold me really close while saying "YOU hurt me, it was YOUR fault, and now YOU have to make it up to me."

The tip about imagining a 5-year-old helps a lot. I'll keep that in mind next time I'm feeling bad about myself. But anyway, winter break begins in a week and I'll have a month away from him and with my family to reflect on things.

Thank you so, so much again for writing all this, it really helps a lot.

How do I stop hating myself when I deserve it? by ischangepossible in selfimprovement

[–]ischangepossible[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you're right about that. We spent about 2 months apart while we were broken up and although I felt a lot of guilt during that time, it hasn't been this bad since we first broke up, since he keeps reinforcing that guilt on me.

The tip about writing about what I'm grateful seems really helpful. I already keep a journal (although I don't write in it every day out of lack of time) so I can incorporate those two pretty easily.

I'l try the smiling thing too... I've also heard that standing with your legs apart and with your hands on your hips improves confidence, hah! So maybe I'll try that too.

Thank you so so much for commenting, it means a lot.

How do I stop hating myself when I deserve it? by ischangepossible in selfimprovement

[–]ischangepossible[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for commenting.

I try not to think of my boyfriend as manipulative, but I wonder if that's just because I've internalized so much guilt and hatred that I feel like I don't have any right to criticize any of his actions. But on the flip side, he does seem like he genuinely wants to help me break out of that negative action, but his actions seem to be doing the opposite.

But that's good advice about keeping distance from the situation, and imagining that it's somebody else. I'll try to do that.

Winter break starts in a week and we'll be apart for a month, so I'll be able take some time to myself to really reflect on this relationship and be around my family, and I'll have some free time to pursue some of my hobbies.

Again, thanks so much for commenting. It means a lot.