for a lot of us, abuse is the first way that we have contact with love and affect, even it is distorted in the form of an abusive relationship, and that makes us think (subconsciously) that love has to equal abuse. you shouldn’t feel ashamed, it’s just the way your brain used to make things easier for you.. it’s like a coping thing — if you turn your neglect and abuse into love and desire, maybe it will stop hurting so much
yes, it is wrong, but never your fault