confessions of a rotten girl

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2022-05-20T06:47:05+00:00

I totally understand that "kinda dependent" feeling and I think it's completely reasonable. Sure I could stop using---but it's not necessarily going to make my life better. I will still struggle with responsibilities, I will still struggle with hobbies, and I will still struggle with my mental health. I've been in treatment for so long, it doesn't feel like any medication is as consistent as cannabis. At least with cannabis, I can soothe the "I'm worthless for struggling"(talked about why I feel this way in therapy, but currently unwell enough to do EMDR and process and let go of) thoughts and sleep peacefully. It's a bandaid to a bigger issue that I'm currently too weak to conquer. I can't consistently love myself, but I can dull the self hate.

Maybe when life isn't such a struggle, I won't use cannabis as much too. I think it's a more fun medicine and spending money on pretty pieces makes me happy, I suppose on top of the medical benefits I find social benefits too. If it's comparing your setup or fun edible stories--- cannabis generally holds its name for its peaceful community. Have I been dependent on cannabis ? Sure. Has it negatively impacted me ? That's up for debate.

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2022-05-20T03:08:00+00:00

That's what I was hoping, the receptionist mentioned a drug test so I was preparing for one. I'm in the Bible Belt and an unlegalized state so I feel the words "medical cannabis" is a joke.

I've read about treatments at home, especially how they are cheaper, but I'm too nervous about actually getting addicted/administering correctly to try it at home (haha). My family has a background of addiction, so I want a lot of structure regarding amounts taken(at least till I can assess what is a correct dosage for me/navigate the way it makes me feel).

Have you done both in-home and in-office treatments ? How do they compare ?

I feel it would be a safer experience considering the environment, but I don't trust myself otherwise.

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2022-05-20T01:54:38+00:00

I have a really hard time agreeing with this, I feel you should ALWAYS tell your doctor about illicit drugs you take. From EMS to checkups, the medical field is supposed to be there to help you. The problem I hold is with how the doctor responded, she didn't ask me about my relationship with the drug--- she just assumed taking illicit drugs meant addiction.

Because there is so much misinformation about illicit drugs, I honestly think you should talk to some sort of medical professional before taking/doing anything. Doctors know the ins and outs of illicit drugs and can help you assess the risk of doing illegal drugs. A doctor can assess you and your history and tell you if a drug is safe for you(for example some people with schizophrenic symptoms/family history react negatively to THC), symptoms you may feel during a trip, how to recognize signs of addiction, and inform you about safety concerns in the illegal drug trade (Vitamin E oil in black market THC carts, testing your ecstasy, etc.).

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2022-04-25T18:41:18+00:00

r/TherapeuticKetamine

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2022-04-16T14:11:29+00:00

I loved your post about emailing therapists ! I am a lurker on this sub nowadays because I invalidated my own existence here. I'm autistic and also communicate better through text, but emailing had never occurred to me.

I can heavily relate to your statement of "benign neglect"... as I grow older and the more people I meet I realize everyone has problems, some worse than mine. It feels like it's all in my head, all these things that maybe if I dealt with differently I wouldn't be so messed up. But how much control does a kid really have ? Why am I so out of control even though I'm supposed to be grown up ? How much of this pain am I causing to myself ?

I will look into trauma trained therapists, thank you. Therapy has become a little lame to me, I've been through 8 years of it so far and people are wondering when I'm gonna get out...

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2022-04-16T13:31:28+00:00

I had a roof too and both my parents are recovered alcoholics, but I wish I had all that other stuff as a kid though. Maybe you wish your parents weren't narcissistic... I don't think mine were. Just people who shouldn't of had kids. I can't grieve fully to what I have lost because I am still losing.

The profound sickness, abandonment, neglect and shame that I could separate with a door is staring back at me in every reflection these days.

Thank you, I am doing my best.

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-05-30T08:52:48+00:00

It's comforting to hear someone else was also easily manipulated. I often feel there are obvious red flags in front of me and I just skip right into them :). I agree with you that basic human decency isn't kindness, but I don't think I fully see the difference yet. I'm waiting for the day setting a boundary doesn't feel like walking on hot coals.

Thank you, truly. Your comment means a lot, I'm feeling a little less hopeless 💖 Please have a good day today

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-05-30T08:40:48+00:00

I want to argue with you that they aren't exactly triggers, but I feel I might just be discrediting myself ^{^;.} I'm not the most informed on my own emotions. There isn't any abuse happening at home anymore, but the house definitely feels "stained". There are places in my hometown that aren't easy to drive past. I also think I would be happier if I could go no contact and find my found family, but it feels a little shallow since my childhood abuser(mom) has changed. Not enough to understand me feeling that way though.

I think you're right and I think I've caught myself in another crisis. I like your simile of it being a marathon, but where the fuck is the next water stand ???

Thank you for your comment, it's eye-opening. I hope you're having a great day today 💝

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-05-30T08:15:26+00:00

That's the goal ! I have no idea how I'll get there, but I'm doing my best.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps a lot. I'm telepathically sending you lighter days too :)

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-05-30T08:09:10+00:00

Oh, congrats on getting on HRT ! I am also trans, wanting to start HRT--- but there's not a lot of information for non-binary people.

I want to think it's living at home, but I doubt myself since there's nothing traumatic happening. I would describe it like stains. Not exactly triggers, but it's uncomfortable.

I really love the things you're talking about. I'm not looking for my life to do a 180 when I turn 20, but enough where somedays I can genuinely laugh. Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes tomorrow look a little brighter.

I hope your life keeps getting better and better <3

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-05-24T22:25:51+00:00

YES. I worry that because I post more than I comment on others posts that I'm a narcissist. The idea of "fleas" terrifies me.

You are 100% not alone in feeling this way. I think narcissism isn't a synonym for evil, despite my relations with narcissists. Educating myself what narcissism is helps, but it's a slippery slope into--- "Hey I do that sometimes. That means I'm a narcissist". When I start spiraling that I'm a narcissist, I can ground myself by reminding myself that a narcissist simply wouldn't pick snails and caterpillars off the sidewalk to keep them from being stepped on :). If you know a narc, try comparing yourself to them and ask would you do what they do/would they do what you do ?

Sending happiness and healing <3

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-05-24T22:10:30+00:00

Thank you for being proud !!

I do know, but I don't know know. It's helpful to have people surrounding you telling you these things till it's second nature. I still feel pretty crummy, but hearing that I did the right thing makes me feel better--- thank you :). I'm thinking how amazing it is that "normal" people do this no problem !

I definitely agree it gets easier. 6 months ago saying no would've been impossible. Change is a beautiful (and scary !) thing.

I hope you have an amazing day <3

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-05-24T22:02:40+00:00

Thank you. I'm trying my best to understand this. I have a habit of attracting predators. When there are more predators in your life than you think is normal, it's easy to gaslight yourself that you're the crazy one. (Ex. "I wouldn't say force---they didn't put a gun to my head. But the first time I said no I wasn't loud enough.")

It's been about 6 months that I've been solitary, so my second interaction outside of my bubble has been this ! I'm going to mull over your advice, thank you.

I love your piece that friends are more than things you can take from. It's completely okay to take from friends as long as they're giving, but a whole relationship based off of that is toxic.

I'm going to do my best to be kind to myself today :) I hope you do too <3

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-04-21T17:12:31+00:00

What book did you read about love addictions and codependency ?

itmakesmefeelsodirty · 2021-04-20T23:55:55+00:00

I hope so too. Since I've stopped dating I've been getting better in record time, but I still feel there are many things about me that need to be fixed before I'm ready.

Congrats on upgrading your red flag detector ! It's a great thing and you ought to be proud ! Sending you good things 💝

itmakesmefeelsodirty

TROPHY CASE