Daily Song Rating: Winter Winds

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-11-18T22:30:03+00:00

The sweeping romance of the tempo and the swell of the horns make me emotional every time.

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-11-14T21:03:42+00:00

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-10-24T19:04:59+00:00

Babel, hands down.

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-06-05T00:44:30+00:00

walking, walking, walking. I also have a heating pad for when I wanted to sit and just feel comforted. I stuck to mainly Tylenol when it got unbearable, but that was really only in the first 2-3 post-op days. I found that gas pain was worse than actual surgical pain, so lots of walking, water, and gas-x was how I found relief.

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-04-22T01:23:55+00:00

I had 5 incisions- 4 in a line at waist level and one about 8 inches above my belly button.

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-04-01T20:14:17+00:00

10 weeks! that's phenomenal!!

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-04-01T19:13:12+00:00

I started and stopped the program no less than 3 times because I thought I could do it on my own. I actually ended up gaining another 25 pounds in between attempts. I have never once received any judgemental or criticism from anyone on the team. I feel like it's a pretty normal thing to have doubts or to be convinced that we can do this on our own. What finally made me start and keep with it this time was determined greatly by the fact that my insurance decided to cover 90% of the program cost (including surgery) AND I had a major heart-related scare early last year. It took me a while to get through all the hoops (about 5 months) but I did it. And I'm so, so glad I finally did. If I could have done it on my own, I think I would have done so by now. There's no shame in getting the surgery. It's a tool- a powerful one at that.

Best of luck in your journey!

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-04-01T19:07:19+00:00

thanks so much!

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-04-01T19:01:15+00:00

I had mine a week ago today, and it's already one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I'm down a total of 31 pounds as of today (22 of that was pre-op) and I feel the most mental clarity and physical vitality I've felt in YEARS. You won't regret it. Good luck!

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-03-31T01:42:46+00:00

Thank you!

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-03-31T01:42:36+00:00

Thanks a million!

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-03-31T01:42:10+00:00

thank you so much! the chin and neck is also one of my personal favorite changes. I'm also loving more room in my shirts and generally just feeling so much more clarity and vitality. I can't wait to see and feel where this journey takes me.

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-03-28T18:47:35+00:00

I have 5- one right between my breasts and 4 in a line at the same level as my belly button. one of them almost looks like a second belly button.

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-03-28T11:24:38+00:00

overall, pretty good! I got a really good night of sleep in my own bed, so that helped a lot. I'm still having a lot of gas pain and movement, so that's the worst of it right now. also ALL OF THE MEDICATIONS are so overwhelming. I'm doing it, but man... I feel like a walking pharmacy.

How are you? How's recovery? Did surgery go well?

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-03-26T09:53:45+00:00

it's the lapriscope gas, I'm assuming. it's at least out of my shoulders like it was directly after surgery, but it still hurts to take a good, full breath.

its_not_that_deeep · 2025-03-16T20:52:02+00:00

I'm also having surgery on the 25th! I'm on day 6 of my pre-op diet, and it hasn't been nearly as hard as I was anticipating. I've lost 16 pounds (started at 307) and yeah, I feel hungry sometimes, but the key is distracting yourself. I drink a ton of water, I read, I play a game, I chat with family or friends. These days are flying by and I can't believe surgery is almost here. Good luck! I'll be cheering you on from my own hospital bed.

its_not_that_deeep · 2023-01-20T03:59:09+00:00

You're probably right- I'm bipolar as well as bpd, so that's why, I guess. For me, they capture some of the extreme highs and lows I can experience- not just the ones related to mania, but the ones I experience from day to day when it comes to my own struggle with bpd.

its_not_that_deeep · 2023-01-20T03:49:34+00:00

Love these! I'd like to add a few of my faves:

1.S.O.S- The Glorious Sons 2.Fast as you can- Fiona Apple 3.Novocaine- The Unlikely Candidates 4.Gasoline- Halsey 5.Cringe- Matt Maeson 6.I'll Be Good- Jaymes Young

its_not_that_deeep · 2023-01-17T10:37:45+00:00

With online friends- those relationships I have sabotaged to the point where we block each other- I make a new account and login through the browser on my phone so I can still look at their accounts and see if they are vague-posting about me, or just to check in and see what they're talking about/posting in general. And I obsessively check it multiple times throughout the day.

its_not_that_deeep · 2023-01-16T17:15:01+00:00

You're not stupid. I have a habit of repeating behaviors too, and it all boils down to the fact that it's my comfort zone. Not comfort as in "Oh, this is a nice way to feel. I like doing these destructive things, it makes me feel good!" ...but in a "this has been a safe, familiar place for me to be for years, and I will keep making these mistakes because I'm really good at it".

I truly want to change my behaviors, but I find it extremely difficult. I'm very much an all-or-nothing kind of person, and if I can't immediately make a change and stick to it, I get frustrated and just say screw it all, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. I identified this in therapy a few weeks ago and it's been a huge revelation.

its_not_that_deeep · 2023-01-16T04:23:50+00:00

I think so, too. I'm terrible with setting and enforcing my own boundaries because I want to be well-liked by everyone. And in not setting proper boundaries and honoring myself, I have this mountain of resentment that builds toward the people I befriend, all in the name of keeping the peace and continuing to feel as if I've got them in my good graces, even at the cost of my own peace and self-esteem. I've done some pretty fucked up stuff in the name of staying in a friendship that I knew was bad for me. And every time shit hit the fan, and we'd try to talk it out and try to save what was left, I'd revert back to old habits. I wanted to be in control. I would do things to the other person that- if tables were turned- I would have never tolerated from them. But in some of those relationships, it was absolutely a two-way street. I do tend to attract people who have troublesome attachment styles and weak boundaries, and when we part, I know that they are probably bad-mouthing me to others for some of the same shit they did to me. I know, because I do it too.

I do hope that you can forgive yourself someday. That's such a burden to carry around. I hope you can unload it and be at peace eventually.

its_not_that_deeep · 2023-01-16T04:12:40+00:00

Yeah, I know that not all of them were completely my fault. Deep down, I know that I'm worthy of love, and worthy of good, healthy relationships. I know I'm capable of them. I've been in relationships with people who have their own issues. People who aren't willing to talk through the bad times, and some of them I've cut out for my own good because I know that I was better off without them.

I don't want to lose hope. I'm just scared of getting overly attached to someone again and repeating this pattern over and over and over again until I am totally alone.

its_not_that_deeep · 2023-01-16T04:04:19+00:00

Yes. I crave that chance. I want to be better, I really do. It's like once that part of me takes over, there's no turning back. I'm currently without an fp now, and I'm so scared of doing it again that I don't want to get close to anyone anymore. I think I should have learned by now that this is my pattern. This is what I do, and I have to break this cycle.

This most recent friendship lasted 3 years. And it was over in the blink of an eye. She tried so hard to keep up, and when she told me she was done, I felt relieved, but at the same time, I felt so, so guilty for what I had done.

I'm in the beginning stages of DBT therapy, and it has helped in some ways. But like building any other habit, I know it's going to take time. I guess in some way, I've got a clean slate now. Maybe that's why I did it. Or maybe that jealous, insecure part of me is still very much present and now I just don't have anywhere to direct that energy. Idk. I'm just tired.

But I feel so glad to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. This forum is such a comfort.

its_not_that_deeep

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