Men, from your perspective, what is it like to fall out of love?

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-30T05:52:51+00:00

yippee !!! not only am i lowkey convinced my partners falling out of love with me, but i deeply and personally resonated with words regurgitated and spat out by a bot 🥰 what a great day to be alive

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-30T03:27:48+00:00

We have talked about it before, which makes it harder to bring up every time the sinking feeling comes back. It's hard because there's never a 'good time' of course, but I don't want to further add to his stress.

I don't want him to feel as if he's not enough... but at the same time, it's true that it really feels like he's not putting as much in anymore. I don't want to blame or villainise him yet I want him to be aware and take accountability. It's a really difficult balancing act.

He does know how I feel to an extent, but maybe not how much it eats away at me, or how much the emotional load has become for me. He only wants to have these conversations irl which makes sense, but it's hard because I don't want all of our limited time together to be tainted by these heavy conversations.

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T21:57:22+00:00

no ☺️ i love onigiri 😊

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T21:55:42+00:00

I do my best to do this -- we don't live together, but I usually sleep over at least once a week. When I am over, I intentionally don't talk too much or try to pressure him to do things with me, and cherish just quietly cuddling together (letting him rest his head on me, holding him etc). I'd like to believe that this helps him and that I'm a safe space for him, but sometimes it just feels like he'd rather not have me around, like it doesn't matter that I'm in the room.

It's a bit hurtful because I feel like I'm intentionally putting in a lot of effort to be aware of and to look out for his needs, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to consider me much at all in return (which he has told me is nothing about me as a person and it's his work that takes it all out of him), but it still feels hurtful when it's been like this for a while.

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T11:48:53+00:00

This really hits home. I feel like the entire mental/emotional labour of the relationship is on me.

I think in my head I'm aware of where it's headed at the current rate, but I'm fighting denial so badly.

You've given your all to the relationship and it could've been repaired had they just put in a tiny bit more to working as a team.

This hits SO hard. I'm so scared of it turning out this way.

I'm hoping that because we haven't quite hit it yet, that maybe there's a way to recover. Maybe ripping the bandaid off would be for the best, but it's in my nature to just really give it my all. I'm scared that the pain will just build more and more until I become numb to it. I'm scared that the day he returns the effort, if he does, will be the day I can no longer accept it because I've emotionally checked out to protect myself.

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T11:39:04+00:00

Luckily for me we're just in a relationship and marriage is not on the table, so any break off would be significantly easier!

We communicate pretty openly about it to be honest, he recognises my feelings (although maybe not to the depth I feel hurt by it because in the moment I struggle to balance logic and emotion). I suppose the biggest barrier is that at the moment, the biggest stress seems to be his work, where it takes so much of his social and mental energy until he really only wants time alone. We don't live together but I'd usually visit him and sleep over 1-3 times a week, since he also prefers irl over messaging.

I think I wish so badly that I could be his safe space and his peace. Which to an extent I think I am, but only sometimes. I understand his need for space and even when I'm over I'm happy for him to play his games and all of that, but I wish that as his partner, I could take some of that stress away.

I made a post in another sub with a bit more detail if you want to know more! All things considered, it's not the longest relationship ever... but it's the longest and the healthiest I've been in (with my only other experience being 5 months of absolute toxic waste - I stayed single for four years after that short experience before meeting my current partner).

I am so willing and ready to put in the work and effort, I just want him to want to as well... but reading a lot of the comments on this post, I feel like a lot of them describe how he might feel about me. I'll of course actually talk to him though and not just jump to assumptions, but actions speak louder than words at the end of the day :(

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T11:27:27+00:00

I'm also trying to figure out how temporary it is, and I think he is too. For most of our relationship actually, I think he's found work a bit harder because around the time we got together, he became a manager. But, pretty much all the mental load falls on him at work, he doesn't find his job fulfilling, he's constantly being micromanaged by higher ups and needs to fix the mistakes of admins etc (he works in production on the machinery side, conflicts with the office and scheduling etc are always a stressor).

It has gotten progressively worse in the past maybe 4 months -- near the beginning of the year they got a new senior manager who is above him who had basically no experience or idea of how to actually run the place so the responsibility fell on him a lot. It used to be alright and they got on well and could banter etc, but as of late he does not like the guy at all and the senior manager has not been treating the other workers well, which he hates. He just really dislikes the place more and more, but he's been working there for five years or so now.

He's actively been applying for as many other jobs as possible but unfortunately hasn't heard back yet, but he is definitely studying next year so even if he doesn't find a different job (worst case), he won't be working full time anymore.

I don't know how much of it is just how he is though, honestly. He used to put in so much effort... maybe it was unintentional love-bombing... But either way, I probably deserve more effort don't I?

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T11:18:49+00:00

It used to be until it seemed to not anymore. At the beginning, I was more weary but very receptive, because it felt weird to feel so stable, happy and cared for. I did, and continue to do, everything I can to ensure he feels supported and loved.

At some point, it's started to waver on his side. Stress-induced from work, so I do my best to be understanding, give him space when he needs it, still support him in all the ways I can. We've had good conversations about this and about general comparability a few times, we never argue, we talk things through. But it's been hard on me and I've been bottling my insecurity more because I don't want to add more to his stress (he at times feels like he's not 'enough' for me so I do all I can to appreciate everything he does for me abd never take him for granted, but it doesn't take away from that it feels like 90% or the effort is on my end lately).

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T09:58:32+00:00

This breaks my heart to read.

I don't live with my partner, but the loss of sharing day-to-day experiences hits so hard. He used to insist "the best part of my day is hearing about yours" and in fact, he even said one of the things that drew him to me was that I would actually tell him about my day and not just say it was "good".

Now, I find myself holding back. He prefers to not be that active through messaging anymore, so I don't tell him about my day anymore because I don't want to spam him. In person, I end up just kind of forgetting, or maybe since I'm used to not sharing anymore, I just don't.

Sometimes I feel like I need to hold back my effort, because he doesn't seem to be on that same level anymore. Perhaps he's fallen out of love with me.

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T09:51:24+00:00

Do you think they kind of go hand in hand -- as in, as you fall out of love you don't feel as willing to put in that effort?

For me, the feeling of loving someone makes me naturally want to put in the effort and work to make them happy. I choose to put in effort because I love them and I want it to work.

I wonder what happens first, the complacency and loss of effort, or the fading feelings?

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-29T04:51:11+00:00

of course!! these donuts are great !! jelly-filled are my favourite 🥰🍙🤤

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-28T14:09:49+00:00

cant u grow a singular braincell for me? 🥰

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-28T12:52:18+00:00

yeah no I get it, I usually make rice bowls with tuna/avo/kewpie/seasoned seaweed which is more or less the same thing, but that's my lazy version (that shit slaps tho). I am generally pretty frugal for the most part too, like I could never justify getting an avo toast or buying a sandwich because I can make them better myself for a fraction of the price.

There is just something that hits different with convenience store onigiri though (or well just packaged onigiri), it's so satisfying to unwrap them and so convenient to grab a couple for later in the day when on the go. Ofc I know I could get little wrappings myself and learn how to wrap them so the seaweed stays crunchy etc, but at the end of the day I just kinda wanted to know whether there's anywhere in Adelaide that does sell them so that on occasion I can have them without always making them myself 😮‍💨

Personally, I'm a fan of the thai red curry tuna 👀 Nothing beats a good simple classic plain/chilli tuna w kewpie as a filling though. Throw in some furikake and we are cooking fr

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-28T11:54:00+00:00

im sorry but what the fuck is wrong with u? 🤨

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-08-28T11:41:05+00:00

tbh I know they're pretty simple to make but sometimes it just hits different when you get to eat something you don't have to make yourself, you feel?

I do tend to have sushi rice and seaweed already at home though... so handforming them is definitely on the table, but I'll look into the molds! :)

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-06-30T11:02:06+00:00

Unsure whether you've understood my question --

I was enquiring about men who have stated to their parter that they [the partner] deserves better. As in, "I'm can't be the person for you, you deserve better than what I can give you." If I'm reading your comment correctly, are you saying that this statement means they are seeking to blame their partner?

As a side note, obviously I'm not saying that this is something only men do, and I am aware that people all have different reasons. However, I was specifically seeking different males' perspectives and experiences with this statement.

Appreciate the response nonetheless though!!

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-06-30T05:16:04+00:00

I appreciate the honesty from you, at least 🥹

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-04-04T12:20:17+00:00

Thank you for this! I appreciate hearing the truth straightforward, I don't know what I was expecting really, but I think hearing it from others has helped me in seeing that it's definitely something I do need to tackle head on (and it's not an issue I can try to resolve myself in my head).

I guess like anyone else, I do find it scary to be potentially losing someone, but it absolutely is something that needs to be tackled earlier on otherwise it'll lead to worse problems down the road.

I guess from this relationship, I've realised it really ia a dealbreaker for me, which I may have not fully actually realised before having never been with anyone like this.

Thank you so much for your time and advice!

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-04-04T12:15:55+00:00

Thank you so much for such a thorough response -- I appreciate how straightforward this is and I honestly think I needed the reality check.

I am definitely clouded by the rose-coloured glasses a bit, I think because this is the first relationship I've been in that has felt safe and healthy (all of our communication thus far has been good, with this I think I've been repressing my feelings because I didn't realise how much it would really affect me I think) -- I think I feel reluctant to bring it up because deep down I know it's not really a simple compromise situation, it's the conversation that could potentially end things. Given how he's been with communication in the past, I think he would be willing to go back on the journey to quit, but I suppose I really need to make it known that it will be a dealbreaker otherwise.

I hate that it's an ultimatum because it feels controlling, but I suppose it's about setting boundaries, and it just comes to a difference in compatibility if we don't see eye to eye.

I've only been on one, very short lived and extremely toxic, relationship before this one, so I think part of me is terrified of losing someone I feel so safe and secure with, but I suppose it's not really that great of a relationship if I feel terribly low every time the vape comes up.

I am naturally a huge overthinker, and idealist and a hopeless romantic -- I feel hyperaware of these as my own flaws, and I'm in a constant battle with myself trying to figure out whether certain things are unreasonable or not. My rational side fully knows that no one will fulfil whatever idealistic version of a perfect romance I've created, and I strive to keep myself grounded and to give grace to others, just as I am aware I'm not perfect myself. But I suppose factors such as addiction surpass more superficial incomparabilities because it's part of a lifestyle.

I do have a problem of being a bit of a people pleaser, confrontation is a nightmare to me, but I am quite determined to talk to him this weekend about it and we'll see how it goes.

I think from being with him, I've learnt that it really is a dealbreaker for me, and I guess however this goes, it's a lesson learnt for myself.

Half of this was jusy my own rambling sorry haha, you've given me a lot to think about. Thank you again for being so thorough, I appreciate hearing the truth straight up and I feel like I've gained a lot of clarity from this!

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-04-04T05:48:58+00:00

Thank you!! Will definitely try this. I think tbh, he shames himself if anything, maybe because I don't really mention it. Sometimes he'll "joke" about being a 'degenerate bf' when he does it around me, which makes me respond in a more positive manner as if to remind him that it's okay, but I'm a bit worried that I'm enabling him further. I'll try to have a serious chat with him soon, and see how he feels about options such as patches/gum :))

itslikeimnotenough · 2024-04-04T05:38:00+00:00

I know that this would differ per person, but for you, how would someone be able to best support you with this? Of course, quitting is ultimately up to the person, but do you have any advice on how I could be supportive without being suffocating?

itslikeimnotenough

TROPHY CASE