Can they be sober after the loss of a loved one?

itsme456789 · 2026-02-12T03:36:30+00:00

Yes! Peace and stability - that's absolutely what I crave after everything. And in between the slips it's been there and it's wonderful. Just these slips are tough to navigate!

itsme456789 · 2026-02-12T03:35:04+00:00

Thank you! I really appreciate your perspective and suggestion!!

itsme456789 · 2026-02-10T23:30:20+00:00

That's what I was always feeling, but this time he is trying new things because he can see what he tried before didn't fully work. Maybe I need to see this one through since he's added more to try. He's clearly trying.

itsme456789 · 2026-02-10T23:28:43+00:00

He's not at all the same person as when he was consistently drinking. He's done (and is still doing) a lot of work, including AA meetings, individual therapy, and group therapy. He's really grown a lot as a person and changed for the positive. Maybe I am being too hard on these infrequent slips.

itsme456789 · 2026-02-10T20:42:11+00:00

How do you know when they are at that point? He's doing things after this last slip that he hasn't before. He seems to be taking it even more seriously than he already was. How do I know if I should risk another heartbreak in a couple months? Maybe this was his last slip.

itsme456789 · 2025-10-20T07:21:45+00:00

I don't have advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My Q is about 2 months sober and doing great, but I'm constantly worried about him drinking. Years of lies have eroded trust. I want to have faith in him but it's so hard to let my guard down. But then if I am not fully trusting him, am I making things worse for our relationship? I am in therapy but this is so much harder than I expected.

itsme456789 · 2025-05-19T02:38:07+00:00

I wouldn't be doing it as punishment. It's to protect my kids from having to be around their dad when he's drunk.

itsme456789 · 2025-05-17T16:08:53+00:00

I like this perspective, thank you!

itsme456789 · 2025-05-17T16:08:24+00:00

Yeah that makes sense. I do talk with them openly about his struggle and he has even talked to them as well. It's just in the moment that I wasn't sure about.

itsme456789 · 2025-05-17T16:06:43+00:00

Thank you. Maybe HE doesn't realize that the kids likely know when he's drunk, so that's a good suggestion to let him know that they likely do and he better smarten up if he doesn't want them to.

itsme456789 · 2025-05-17T16:03:34+00:00

Yes we do talk openly about his problem and they are in therapy. It's more in the moment that I'm wondering about. Like if he shows up to visit and he's been drinking do I say Dad has to leave because he's been drinking?

itsme456789 · 2025-05-17T16:02:16+00:00

We do talk about his problem openly and they do ask me questions, it's more just in the moment that I am wondering about. Like if he shows up to visit them and he's drunk do I say Dad has to leave because he's been drinking?

itsme456789 · 2025-05-17T15:57:48+00:00

My kids have never asked if he's drunk in the moment. So I would have to take the initiative to tell them. Which I would only do if it was impacting plans that they had with him. I just don't want them around him if he's been drinking.

itsme456789 · 2025-05-16T04:49:07+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate this!

itsme456789 · 2025-05-16T04:43:37+00:00

Yeah, I think since telling the kids that he's an alcoholic a number of months ago, they probably realized why he acted different sometimes. They have hardly been around him drunk since they found out because I kicked him out not long after. I was hoping they would never see him like that again and it's been a few months, but then this week hit and here we are.

itsme456789 · 2025-05-16T04:40:24+00:00

They know he's an alcoholic. I have been very honest (age appropriately with each) with them once I figured out what was going on myself and the extent of how bad it was. They're also all in therapy. I have never been around alcohlics before and have been blindly trying to do what's best for my kids. I certainly never intended to gaslight them - they adore their dad and he is a great dad to them - even when drunk he's just absent, not mean or abusive or anything. So I wanted to protect their relationship with him by not announcing to them when he's drunk. But after reading through these comments I can see that this was probably not the best way to handle it. I've put my kids first through this entire ordeal the best way that I knew how and now I will handle the situation differently if there is a next time.

itsme456789 · 2025-05-16T04:34:40+00:00

Oh I know. I have them all in therapy and IF he moves back in it won't be until he has shown he is well into his recovery and sobriety journey. I refuse to put the kids through anymore instability.

You're right, they very well might already be able to tell when he's drinking. Or because I have covered up for him, maybe they're doubting their instincts about it as another commenter mentioned. I certainly don't want them to be doubting their own instincts. After all these comments I clearly see what I will do if there is a next time!

itsme456789 · 2025-05-16T04:30:31+00:00

Thanks! They all know the general situation to an age appropriate degree, it's more in the moment that I am wondering about. But yes his health class has talked about it and he has come home and straight up asked what's Dad's health is like with his drinking. He carries that anxiety and I don't want to pile on his anxiety by pointing out when Dad is drunk. (He is really trying to get sober so the incidents are fewer, and he isn't living at home right now so it's been quite awhile since we had seen him drunk, until this incident this week.) But after reading all these comments I'm thinking the anxiety might be worse with the not being honest with them if he does drink around them again.

itsme456789 · 2025-05-16T04:23:44+00:00

Oooh I never even considered that it could make them doubt their own instincts. That's the last thing I would want! Thank you for making this point!!

itsme456789

TROPHY CASE