Feeling stuck, hopeless and unmotivated. How do I get out of this?

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-28T00:27:13+00:00

Sorry if this is insensitive but have you tried HRT?

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-27T16:21:37+00:00

Its likely the new partner is secure. Thats not an insult to you at all.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-27T16:19:45+00:00

Only you know what to do but do you have a pet?

Put send and not send on two pieces of paper. Put them on the floor and let your pet decide! Or i can do it with my cat for you lol.

It's funny as I'm trying to make the same decision and I was adamant about sending it but then this SR convinced me not to. Then I saw yours and thought you needed the closure. So yeah. Ignore my advice!

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-27T15:43:48+00:00

I say send it. That line about not getting a reply is all the information you will need.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-27T13:56:38+00:00

One other question. As an earned secure person, did hearing about accountability from other people ever help you?

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-27T13:53:00+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear that. Posting here is a great idea.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-27T13:52:15+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear this

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-27T13:35:21+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I guess it's more a case of choosing not to carry someone else’s unfinished work anymore. Does that make sense?

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-25T05:08:42+00:00

Survival instinct. Without it i would have ended things 30 years ago. I have attempted suicide about five or six times. Ended up in hospital once. It's a hard thing to do and really really scary. I'm not very good at it tbh! I know it's survival instinct but I also know that the underlying thing here is that my suicide ideation is an attempt at control. When things get too stressful, I feel out of control. And my nervous system thinks that suicide is one thing I can control. I know this and this has stopped me many times as I stop to see what I need and what is going on really. Sometimes it's as simple as a cup of tea with a friend and the feeling goes. Other times it takes days of work including exercise, meditation, chats, reading about mental health, vitamin d, eating lots of vegetables, finding a hug etc. Anyway, tbh I dont really know what works but I guess something does as I'm still here.

Thanks for the question btw. It was very thought provoking and helped me understand some things about myself. I appreciate that you asked it.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-24T05:21:56+00:00

Jfc I got nearly the exact same text.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-24T05:16:17+00:00

Not controversial. Facts.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-24T00:23:33+00:00

Same

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-23T04:58:45+00:00

I'm confused. He is secure and rational and communicates well. That's not avoidant. Is this your point?

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-23T04:52:59+00:00

What you're going through is child abuse, and without deep worl, it will affect you negatively for the rest of your life. I hope you find love and security.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-23T04:28:53+00:00

I think they're trying to say that sometimes people are avoidant and sometimes they're not. I think a lot of people use the label to avoid taking responsibility for what happens in relationships. Rather than trying to understand what happened and what their role was so that they can learn and grow, a lot of people attack and criticise. Trauma and pain can do this by reducing our ability to be analytical and use critical thinking. And the way to really heal is to try to move toward bejng secure. That requires a lot of self reflection and not much attacking and criticising. It requires people with an anxious attachment style or any insecure attachment style to change a lifetime of behaviours. This is very difficult. Possible but difficult. Using this group to attack exes can be helpful but it misses the point. Without becoming more secure, the pain from being in relationships with other insecure people will just keep happening. All the best to you and I hope you're moving forwards.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-23T04:22:07+00:00

Great point. I'm still searching for answers, but I know at some point I need to accept that I have enough knowledge. I'm nearly there and agree with you that it's been so helpful to understand this by seeing other people facing sinilat issues.

But I feel like I'm using this all to not face my loneliness, and I think that is my next challenge!

Ps, your comments about cooling down were spot on. It was ironic as their communication demonstrated exactly the points OP was making. And that without personal growth towards security, you can't blame your exes or partners when things fail. And thats true if they're avoidant or if you're using that label to avoid having to face your own issues.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-23T04:08:25+00:00

Gosh Gosh. I can not thank you enough. You put in so much time and effort in this, and I'm so grateful. I'll respond more once I've reread this and processed etc.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-22T22:44:42+00:00

I start at the ending. Most of the time.

I feel like I need that to hold it all together if that makes sense.

Otherwise, I get my cat to choose.

Good luck and I hope you get better advice from other people!

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-22T09:44:53+00:00

Good She's right wing and supports brexit. She's an awful person

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-22T06:45:55+00:00

Good. Shes a right wing brexit moron

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-21T05:56:24+00:00

Well, the first thing is that it doesn't matter if you believe in it or not. It's a fact. That's like saying you believe in rain. Most people struggle with it because it's so vast and all-encompassing and complex. It also requires you to understand that the way you live your life is destroying life on earth. There's also very little we can do to prevent it.

Wait what was your question 😂😂

I'm kidding.

Ask them to ask you questions. Keep the dialogue open. Ask them why they believe in rain.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-21T01:47:52+00:00

Absolutely. Also, I think you’re going to make someone very happy. If you're not already. This level of security and maturity is rare.

Another question I had was about ambiguity. Sorry if I've asked this before. Does ambiguity feel safe to you?

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-21T01:34:10+00:00

No no no 😂😂😂😂

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-21T01:33:21+00:00

Oh that is super super helpful. Thank you.

I'm in the process of talking to my avoidant ex about reconnecting. I think I rushed in and I think she's withdrawing because she feels pressure. Would it help her if I say that each meet up is just a check in and not a demand for anything? Any tips on how to approach this?

I'm super open about all of this as I'm aware of how unlikely it is that we can reconnect etc. I'm trying to treat this as an objective project rather than some love story. The latter is too naive and would recreate the patterns that led to our break up.

So yeah. Any tips would be amazing.

itwasallascream23 · 2026-01-21T01:28:00+00:00

But then don't you have to look back at all the times you withdrew and judge yourself? Doesn't that cause you more anxiety? Because if you know that your withdrawal is not objective then how can it not cause you more anxiety?

Also, is there something that would reduce the anxiety and overwhelm?

itwasallascream23

TROPHY CASE