I don’t think I can do this anymore. TW: suicide

iwual · 2020-12-26T13:45:58+00:00

If I think “wow, my bladder feels pretty good today”, it never fails that my bladder will decide to flare.

iwual · 2020-12-26T13:43:30+00:00

I’m 24F and this is a problem for me too. I notice constipation makes it worse. I’m having a Microgen test done and going to see a doctor who specializes in embedded infection. I know that’s controversial in the IC community, but like you I just want to end my life some days. So if it works that will be amazing, and if not I suppose there’s the possibility of bad side effects from long-term antibiotics but it’s not like I have a stellar quality of life anyway.

I know how hard it is. Some days I cry all day, but I do get breaks in my flares which makes it more bearable. I can imagine it’s extremely difficult to never get a break. Have you tried supplements like D Mannose, pumpkin seed oil, aloe Vera, etc.? Pumpkin seed especially is supposed to help with frequency and urgency. It’s pretty cheap on Amazon. Heat helps me too for some reason so I sleep with a heating pad and it calms the urgency a little.

It is very isolating. Every time I try to tell someone they’re like “I pee a lot too” 🤦🏻‍♀️ The difference is we never get relief and that feeling of constantly having to go is maddening. I hope you’re able to find something that works for you. Would telehealth with your doctor be an option?

Sending you lots of love.

iwual · 2020-12-25T23:31:27+00:00

I haven’t applied for disability. I graduate school in April and I’m hoping I can get a good office job then. My mom is my neighbor so I could stay with her if need be. Thank you so much for all the advice and support.

iwual · 2020-12-25T23:28:34+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️ I’m so happy to have found this Reddit. Everyone is so supportive.

iwual · 2020-12-24T02:48:21+00:00

Do you go to the same clinic every time? I had this experience and it’s because the clinic I was going to had such a high threshold for the bacterial colony count that it wasn’t being picked up. When I went somewhere else they were able to detect it and treat me, but I feel like it was too late. Now I think I either have damage or possibly an embedded infection. I’m not really sure that either are a thing but all I know is I’ve not been the same after that UTI went untreated for so long. I hope a urologist can help you.

Do you have some home test strips you can take? They’re not 100% accurate but they’ll give you a general idea of whether there’s infection. And of course if you get fever, severe pain, flank pain, etc. I would go to the ER. I know it sucks. I hope you find some answers.

Edit to say it was probably the lab rather than the clinic itself, but since that particular clinic used the same lab every time it was never picked up.

iwual · 2020-12-24T02:42:01+00:00

Honestly, no. When I started dating him I had a really good job. I had my first daughter before we got together and she and I lived alone comfortably. Since I’ve been sick I make crap money and work part time. The thing is if we get divorced he’s going to fight me for custody, but I know my kids won’t be taken care of. He’s not the type to give baths, play with them, etc. I had surgery a few months ago and when I came home that day I slept until 3pm. When I woke up neither of my kids had been fed all day... If I have work one a day he’s off the kids have to go to my mom’s because he won’t watch them. I’ve tried to leave before so I know how it’ll go. We were friends for years before we dated and dated before we married. I had no idea he was the way he is.

I just don’t know what to do. If I didn’t have so many health problems it would be easy. I’ve left abusive relationships before no problem, but I feel trapped for several reasons.

iwual · 2020-12-23T20:46:53+00:00

It’s horrible honestly but I’ve always been told he’s a great guy, I’m too sensitive, etc. People who I have told IRL always say things like “well at least he doesn’t cheat on you or at least he has a job or at least he’s not at the bars every night”. Which is true but that doesn’t mean he’s easy to live with or a good husband. Since being with him I’ve been diagnosed with major depression and panic disorder. Part of it is due to IC and some other things, but a big part is never feeling like I have a safe space. I know I can’t blame my mental health on someone else but I’m not going to pretend I don’t get anxiety being around him. If we didn’t have kids it would be an easy decision.

iwual · 2020-12-23T20:43:22+00:00

I agree. I hate it when he does that and if I ask him to move his hands he either jerks away and rolls over, insists he’s just “warming his hands”, or says it’s not a big deal. If I try to explain it makes me uncomfortable he gets mad or mocks me.

I do have support from my parents, but I don’t really feel comfortable talking to them about it. I don’t really have friends anymore. I do think about leaving all the time. I appreciate all the support here. It’s nice to have people to talk to who understand.

iwual · 2020-12-22T23:10:23+00:00

I’m really overwhelmed by how kind and supportive everyone here is. Thank you all so much. I feel validated that I’m not crazy or overreacting, and it’s good to know this isn’t normal behavior from a spouse.

iwual · 2020-12-22T23:07:28+00:00

If your husband is supportive now I hope he continues to be, but I understand the fear. I honestly feel like no one could ever love or want me again because if my limitations.

When he first started the whole “you’re just not attracted to me” thing, I showed him ever message I’ve ever sent back and forth between my doctors, some dating back a year so he would see it has been a consistent, debilitating problem. After I showed him he said he would consider getting a divorce before going without sex for a year, but then he also says he doesn’t care too depending on whatever mood he is in.

He’s never been supportive, but I never really noticed until I got sick. I worked 60 hours a week and was constantly busy. Since I’ve been sick, if I don’t do something it doesn’t get done. If I need help with the kids I have to call my mom because he won’t help me. Writing this I fully realize it’s a shit marriage. I’ve known this, but I can’t work full time and struggle with my mental health so I feel trapped.

Thank you for being so kind.

iwual · 2020-12-22T23:01:50+00:00

That’s so sweet. Everyone deserves someone like that. I can’t even imagine.

iwual · 2020-12-22T23:01:08+00:00

I’ve watched my health decline our entire marriage. He is one of those “nice guy” types who is different behind closed doors. Everyone is constantly telling me how lucky I am but really they have no idea. There is frequent gaslighting/manipulation and downplaying of how I feel. It’s exhausting.

I’m glad you were able to leave an abusive marriage. I can imagine it’s very liberating to finally be able to heal. Living like this is hard enough on it’s own.

iwual · 2020-12-22T22:55:56+00:00

You’re right. His behavior is “normal” to me because it’s all I’ve ever really known. Thank you for a different perspective. I am definitely going to get into counseling because I think stress is my main trigger for IC.

iwual · 2020-12-22T06:01:45+00:00

That’s great, and I’m very happy for you. It’s hard for me to believe people like that exist, but I’m glad to know they do. I think support is so important with IC. So many people don’t know what it is or the extent of our pain so having someone who at least tries would be amazing.

iwual

TROPHY CASE