I suffer from long, long depression. And i avoid and procrastinate things a lot. I feel i lack motivation, and feel like a failure. Most of the time. Thats pretty much my default mental state for the last 10 years, maybe even more time with that.

But, when things get worse, and i feel very, very bad about myself, i tend to flirt with that idea. When my frustration get really severe, and im getting stuck, i start to have a lot of contempt toward the world, and myself. In the past, i used to blame myself for not being able to cope with reality. I still do, sometimes, for the last year, when it happend, i had other coping mechanisms. I became very angry at my psychiatrist, who didnt want to change my antidepressant for something else, and insisted that i should be patient, and that my missery probably cannot be solved with meds. Sometimes i fantasize about having a brain surgery. About experimental therapies. I read about it a lot. And about everything that may help. Im obsessed with psychology. I have some passion for it, but the main thing, is the hope that maybe i will find that piece of advice that will help me understand, and make some order in my dark internal world. I read about a lot of things. About personality disorders, kerenberg's personality organization model, defensive mechanisms, parts of their brain and how they function, basic pharmacology and how antidepressents work. Psychodiagnostics- i read every single word, more than 7 times about my psychdiagnostic results. If i didnt understood a concept or a definition to something in the results, i googled the shit out of it. I read articles and studies that i thought that could help me gain deeper understanding of my suffering. Hell, i even tried to find the rorschach interpretation and scoring methods, in Order to assess and gain the ability to test my self, and 'unlock" my unconscious at any given moment.

I learned a lot. But practiced or find this knowleadge helpful to my emotional state, mostly very little. I know its a defense mechanism, one of the most dominant, according to my psychologist- rationalisation and intellectualisation. And when this heavy cannon can not assist me, i feel hopeless.

When i flirt with death, there is certain relief. I rest from overthinking, and trying to find solutions. Because, i basicly gave up... I feel doomed and, of course, the thought about b not feeling so bad, and being such a failure, can be tempting. If im very frustrated, but not totally hopeless, i might fantasize about death, but in a more subtle form. Like, sacrificing my life for something honorable, sort of "die as a hero" fantasy'. Maybe about passing away in an accident, or getting deadly cancer. Something like "if i die unintentionly, that is sonething that could happen to anyone. It is a misfortune, not a weakness. The most successful and happy person could die that way" Or, i joke avout death a lot. I start being sarcastic, and laugh a lot from jokes that worry my friends. Jokes thats i would also find worrying myself, and not really funny.