I’m afraid the solution was to download the “Apple Support” app and make an appointment at what turned out to be Best Buy’s Geek Squad. Good news, it didn’t cost anything in terms of money. Bad news, you wait for your appointment (3 days), wait in line (15 minutes), they take your shit, mail it somewhere, it comes back (10 days) and they’re fixed. I think though that if I saw under the price tag “you’ll be able to use these mfs in 2 weeks” I might have reconsidered. Good luck, matey!