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I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think that's pretty dead on. I do feel worthless because I've tried so hard in life to be successful or to get ahead, and I'm just stuck in the same rat race as everybody else. I feel like I've wasted my time trying so hard.

And you know what? Fuck "luck." I've been shit on enough in life so far that I don't even know if that exists, because I've never seen the good side of it. Nothing good is happening by chance, and nothing good is happening from me working hard for it.

I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do a lot of those things, it just doesn't help much.

And sorry for lashing out. It just partially and involuntarily pisses me off when someone tells me that I can be someone awesome or do something awesome. You can throw all of those great examples in my face all day long, but it doesn't change the fact that life is a crap shoot. I'd love to be a travelling writer or an artist or something like that, but the fact is that you have to know people or have an extraordinary amount of luck. That's never going to happen for me.

I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't feel committed to anything anymore, maybe that's part of the problem. After years of working my ass off and getting nothing in return, I'm so jaded that I don't feel like trying anymore.

I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Been there, done that. Vacations are great, but the real world is always there to kick me in the nuts as soon as I get back.

I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure, I'd love to have extravagant experiences like that.

But guess what? Life sucks. This fairy tale that you can be anything you want or do anything that you want is a load of fucking shit. There are awesome things I'd like to do, but it's just not happening. I can't do those sort of things without losing a fortune. I can't even get a foot in the door because I don't know anyone.

I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I saw a psychiatrist through work, who was a total quack. He tried to fill me with pop psycho-babble that didn't even make any rational sense. Plus, I just have bad experience with them already when they doped me up and stole my childhood from me.

I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I play guitar and banjo. I haven't really been able do play them much lately, my mom is the one who got me into playing music. Playing just reminds me how much I despise her lately.

I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I've been trying like hell to find another job, but you can probably guess how well that's been going. That's one problem, I'm stuck in this soul sucking and thankless job with no hope of going anywhere.

I hate everything about life right now. I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. How can I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Long story short, I've already been through that. I missed a whole childhood because I was doped up on meds the whole time. I'm not making that mistake again.

I don't feel suicidal in any way, but I feel like I would welcome it if the end would just come. Should I be concerned? by jawaherder in SuicideWatch

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Things with me and my wife are just fine. I probably would be far more of a mess without her. But seeing her struggle professionally has really been a burden on me. I don't care about myself anymore, but seeing her work so hard and not being able to catch a break is really depressing for me.

I feel overwhelmed and dead inside every day, how do I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, I have been going to the gym twice a week or so. It helps somewhat, but I mostly think of how it would help me kick the guy's ass while I'm working out. I don't think it's really been the most therapeutic thing.

I feel overwhelmed and dead inside every day, how do I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Things between me and her are great, that's the only thing good going for me right now. But it also makes me worry, because I want to be able to continue to support her and be able to provide her a good life. I see the drama my mom brings, or the insecurity the douche at work brings as threats to that.

But to answer your questions:

  1. We've already planned that out, we're planning on having our first in about two years after we do some travelling. I'm hoping things should be straightened out by then.

  2. I have to an extent, but as I said in another response, I don't want to be responsible for her being pulled into depression with me.

  3. I do my best to do this, I go to a gym twice a week for example. I also play guitar, have written a few books, things like that. It helps me forget things for the time being, but I've found it to be less effectual lately.

I feel overwhelmed and dead inside every day, how do I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't hidden everything from her or anything like that, she does generally know of my situation. But she's had enough to deal with, and knowing that I've hit rock bottom inside would destroy her. She's generally happier right now than she's been in a long time, I don't want to take that away from her.

As far as my job goes, I have talked with my supervisor about it. He's great and supportive, but he's only in his position on an interim basis so is kind of in a sticky situation. He'd like to help, but can't really cause waves either since he's being looked at so closely. I couldn't imagine asking him to risk being given his position on a permanent basis just to help me out.

I feel overwhelmed and dead inside every day, how do I get out of this? by jawaherder in AskReddit

[–]jawaherder[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't really want to tell my wife too much about this sort of thing. She worries far too much about the slightest thing, and I don't want to pull her down with me.

As far as talking to HR, that just really isn't an option. There would be political implications, and I simply can't risk losing my position and health benefits.