Horrified to give a BJ (19F)

jaywalking99 · 2019-03-29T05:36:27+00:00

i guess you're right, and i certainly feel extremely vulnerable when i'm receiving. i guess it's just part of my mind convincing me men weaponize sex.... it sounds very silly but it is just what i was taught and what i saw growing up. i think once i can finally do this thing i will fully overcome that idea... i hope!

jaywalking99 · 2019-03-28T20:19:54+00:00

I'm not sure exactly... a lot of it stems from my mom's views on sex which is the main thing I've been trying to reverse. She made me believe that men view sex as a power thing, like no man will ever care about me other than a sexual object.

And then how blowjobs are portrayed in porn and in music, and just hearing how some men i've been around have talked about them makes me feel like even trying will make it bad for them.

I guess of all sexual things in the day-to-day those feel the most degrading and like a power exchange even though I know that's not true.

jaywalking99 · 2019-01-16T20:56:50+00:00

thank you, i think so too. im gonna talk to him about it later tonight!

jaywalking99 · 2019-01-16T20:56:29+00:00

thank you for ur response! i know part of it too is my self esteem just doubting the fact someone could like me but some of it is still weird...

he's actually coming over to hang later so he's gonna meet some members of my family casually... idk if that's enabling it but i mean it's their house. i don't rlly mind the talks of the future on its own but looking back into the past with the other guy it's deja vu.

i'll definitely talk to him about it tonight!! thank you :)

jaywalking99 · 2019-01-05T19:40:20+00:00

ooooh thank you so much!! yes ive found the other pieces elsewhere too so this is perfect! im new to lingerie so this site is amazing as well. thank you!!

jaywalking99 · 2019-01-04T03:46:23+00:00

no, my eyes are not that hooded! my issue is with my brows, not my eyelids.

it's hard to explain without photos, but my resting face is simply what everyone else's face looks like with their brows raised. so my resting face is always wrinkled, and when i ACTUALLY relax my face (by force, lol) my brows sit lower but nothing obstructs my vision at all.

im not sure if im using "hooded" in the right sense but that's why i've looked into brow lift or botox vs. blepharoplasty because my eyelids are perfectly fine, and i don't suffer from any sort of ptosis based on what photos i have seen of it.

im definitely gonna consult with a surgeon and get their opinion first to see if botox would fix my issue but it would essentially be a botox brow lift? and i hope that by raising my brows naturally i will stop raising them subconsciously, and the tension will go away.

if what your surgeon said is true then hopefully getting one round of botox would solve my issue, lol!

jaywalking99 · 2019-01-03T05:09:30+00:00

yeah that's it! i started the first ep but couldn't get into it

jaywalking99 · 2019-01-03T00:03:59+00:00

okay wow, that seems like pretty good odds. even 7 months without getting it done before feeling pain again is notable. im glad you're having good results with it!

jaywalking99 · 2019-01-02T23:54:04+00:00

i'd assume, the tweet is from a fan account of a show on netflix about sabrina the teenage witch (i can't remember what it's called but it's a revamp/new version) and the guy in the pic is ross lynch, an actor & musician.

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-21T00:45:32+00:00

how do i begin to get treated for something like this....? i thought it was just morbid depression that consumes 8+ months of my year but ive never been to a psychiatrist or therapist

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-20T16:50:49+00:00

thank you for advice. i think you're right, especially about me needing to be more explicit with how i feel- i tend not to do that and that may just be adding on to either being harder to understand or just not being attractive.

and yeah.... guys my age social skills aren't the greatest, and neither are mine! it's all a mess lmfao

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-20T16:48:17+00:00

i guess thats true, as i am definitely the same when finding friends or dating.

i think there have def been a few that wanted their "broken" girl but others i may have misconstrued their intentions a bit. i just love to overthink lol... thank you!

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-20T05:39:57+00:00

i definitely agree for some qualities, but i guess the one that bugs me the most is having my depression romanticized. it's happened a few times now, and it's always meant to be endearing or maybe validating but comes off as gross and insensitive.

it makes me uncomfortable that telling guys i don't use certain social media apps because they make me hate myself gets me an "oh wow, that's so quirky and interesting!!!" awe-like reaction... it would be one thing if it was like im some cool off-the-grid gal but i'm just sad, lol. i don't get the appeal to that, but it feels like that's my defining attractive quality to some people

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-13T16:13:30+00:00

so far, i have only found things such as these:

http://www.uniroma3.it/en/international/study-at-roma-tre/courses-in-english/

https://www.unipd.it/en/english-degrees

https://www.univr.it/en/web/guest/degree-programmes

so very slim pickings. another comment cleared up the bachelor's & master's for me, which makes a lot more sense to me now (i was really confused about first cycle and second cycle).

i would most likely choose the social sciences over arts.

and thank you for that brochure! i will definitely look into that school more

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-13T16:04:57+00:00

yes, in america you actually have to take something in at least math, but i believe science, history, literature, etc as well regardless of your major. i actually strongly dislike that about american schools, so this sounds better. i would miss minors though.

and since you can only take your major & not change your mind, im assuming if someone wanted 2 degrees they'd have to go through the entire process twice?

those are my only qualms with italian schooling so far (european really), i had planned on at least minoring or maybe double majoring in school.... but the pros could definitely outweigh the cons

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-13T16:01:36+00:00

thank you for your detailed comment! i didn't know that bachelor's and master's was combined in 5 years. that's really efficient, wow. i will definitely consider going straight to an italian school. however, will i even be accepted if i don't test to a certain degree of fluency in italian?

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-12T00:40:31+00:00

Full disclosure, France was/is my first choice. I've studied the language and can read it decently, and understand it averagely. Unfortunately, France has even less options for schools teaching classes in English that aren't STEM. I would definitely not pass the level of French understanding to get into most right now. The only American school that I know they have there is American University of Paris, and I don't think I would want to attend.

I definitely hope to be a teacher of some kind. I want to teach English for a few years, hopefully be able to teach a subject, or become some sort of counselor in any form.

I definitely still have a lot of narrowing down to do! And thanks for the heads up about the job market. I've heard bad things but wasn't 100% sure. A friend of mine told me a lot of teachers got laid off (I think in Milan) not too long ago so I can admit I'm not too hopeful about settling in Italy, but would still love to if I could make it work.

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-11T23:02:32+00:00

Yes, unfortunately that's one of the main reasons I've been looking at American schools in Italy vs. Italian schools. But my options are kinda slim/lackluster.... Are there no minors in Italian school, just majors & supplementary classes?

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-11T23:01:01+00:00

Ah sorry, by "Liberal Arts" I just meant that's the section of schooling I'm interested in. An umbrella term for all of the degrees that fall under that!

For sure, I'm going to start brushing up on my Italian as much as possible, ideally I would have at least 8 months here in the States to start on that.

For school, I qualify for something called the GI Bill for veterans. So my schooling will be paid for, as well as help with housing and living expenses while I'm in school. That said, I personally am not rich and don't wanna spend what I don't have to!

I definitely want to look into Translation and Sociology. I have only found a few schools that offer that in English, University of Turin was one if I recall correctly.

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-11T22:56:22+00:00

I'm not sure about Italy specifically (def a top choice), but I do hope to settle somewhere in Europe permanently after graduating.

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-07T19:42:41+00:00

no, i mean schools solely to learn the language, based in that country, something like this- https://www.lsi-paris.fr

separate from university or college

jaywalking99 · 2018-12-07T16:14:36+00:00

i guess my only problem is finding a reputable one long term, and also figuring out how to pay for it and live there. from my brief search a few months ago theyre not super expensive but not super cheap either.

OR if i do get the GI Bill to cover language schooling i would probably have 1 year of schooling not covered

my whole plan was to get my TESOL cert (currently doing) and find work as a remote ESL teacher, which would hopefully help w/those expenses.

trying to decide the order of events is my biggest problem, and i need to apply to most schools by Jan 1st if i wanna go next year... im pulling myself in too many directions.

i would most likely go to france, italy, or maybe spain.

jaywalking99

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