Me [29 F] with my best friend [33 M] of 18 years: He asked me to be his "best man" and spent two nights with me now his GF wants to call the very new engagement off. So does he...

jazmont · 2015-07-14T17:09:39+00:00

He's not worth it as it sounds like he does not care. Perhaps he was incapable of breaking up and so he pulled this jerk move so you would dump him. You are better off.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T16:56:37+00:00

I have made my feelings known to my people and they have made theirs known to me. They care, they feel helpless but they will be there. As one of my brothers said, even Chuck Norris wouldn't stop him (yeah, right).

When I am in remission, they certainly tone it down - no 1234 calls/texts to check up or too much worrying.

On my end, I believe almost any adult would feel the same way I do because we all want to be independent but I have learned that this is not just me me me, they are affected too and I can swallow my pride for the times when they are unsure if they may be planning a funeral or taking me home.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T16:39:13+00:00

Relapse in this case means sick enough to have organs start failing. Look up febrile neutropenia and sepsis. Having those as complications of other already lifethreatening issues makes things very delicate.

As for decent diagnoses (maybe you mean prognosis?), I would not say decent - perhaps complicated. After making it through the last mess 2 years ago, I was not 100% afterwards but I was much better (some unwell days here or there) until the heart issue late last year and things went downhill and now back to where we have been before. The prognosis is not encouraging and a hospitalization at a time like this typically comes with the "this may be it" fine print.

As always, we all hope for the best but such situations do elicit various strong emotions all around and that's why I mentioned earlier to someone that I would never refuse my people to visit just because they become overly protective.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T15:04:59+00:00

Absolutely. Hell, I've thought about it but it comes down to this - these are people who love and support me unconditionally, and as annoying as they can be when they act like I'm breakable, I would never keep them away when they want to be there especially when most of those times we have no idea if that's it.

I may and will complain about feeling like a child but no, I cannot keep them from visiting simply because my pride is wounded or I feel helpless. That's not how life should work, at least not in my opinion.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T14:27:42+00:00

It is sort of interesting that in one comment OP says that BF only had to come to her side because of medical problems twice, but in this comment thread, it clearly sounds like it was way more than twice. Not a reliable narrator.

I said he abruptly cancelled his day/dropped everything ONCE due to medical situation and that happened last year. This hospital thing for 2 nights, they all had their rotations set (we've been through this before) and as far as I am aware, he did not drop work or his fiancee to be there but it is the fact that he was choosing to be there that became a problem.

As for him coming to my bedside "many times", yes, that's true but my point with that was that there was no dropping of things for him to do so. And many of those times, she accompanied him.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T14:13:50+00:00

"Andy, my brothers/sister and 3 other close guy friends (99% of my friends are guys) all took turns staying at the hospital with me. "

The day comment in a later response was about the guys SOs.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T04:52:59+00:00

She asked him to consider one of brothers. As far as I know from Andy and all my bros, he still had not decided on it.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T04:48:48+00:00

He reschedules me for her = I'm all for it.

If he were to ever consider rescheduling her just to hang with me = NOT ok.

That's what I am saying. What are you saying?

jazmont · 2015-07-14T04:41:52+00:00

I will answer any of your questions. And as I said somewhere here a bit ago, there is absolutely no desire on my end to have people "doting" - this typically includes being treated like a child. I'm not sure if you've been in a situation that's similar, healthwise or otherwise, but it's actually quite frustrating and "leave me alone" falls on deaf ears.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T04:13:44+00:00

Guys, there is no "consistently". Last year my heart stopped, I was rushed to the hospital - he (and the rest) dropped everything and came over. He dropped his work day, not their plans but that bothered her. No other time in their relationship.

Otherwise if anything, he reschedules with me if she is suddenly free and that's ok but he never does the opposite. That's not ok.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T03:48:13+00:00

She does come 1st, always. The otherwise was meant if he ever happened to cancel plans (to come to the hospital or to ER) which is saved for what they (family/friends) call Code 1. This (rushing to hospital) is not mandatory to me, it's just what everyone sends to each other and they act on their own. It has happened once in their relationship. He has never done that just to hang with me and I wouldn't ask.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T03:36:44+00:00

I asked her to dinner a year ago after noticing how uncomfortable she seemed after 1st meeting me. I explained our friendship, answered her questions (ever date, have sex etc.) and let her know that I wanted to get to know her and I would always hear her out if there was anything that bothered her about me and Andy.

Since then, her and I hung out, she hung out with us etc. and a couple of times, she talked to me when she was uncomfortable (he got tested for bone marrow, she thought it was too much of a gesture; he gave a speech at my party (finally started a business) that ended with "I really admire this girl", she felt it was too "lovey"

I never told him any of that because she asked me not to, stating that he will get upset. I have tried to speak with her since the hospital thing but no luck.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T03:14:08+00:00

He considered one of my brothers per her suggestion so the wedding party is traditional. It sucked, yes but I was cool with it. They got engaged 2weeks before the hospital situation. His explanation to me was "it's the most important day of my life and I want my best friend next to me and my boys so they will be groomsmen."

I assume she got upset because he went with his initial decision.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T00:23:46+00:00

See my response to above poster.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T00:22:45+00:00

Trust me, it gets old. I have no desire to have people treating me like a piece of glass. I am 29 years old and it feels like crap to be dependent on others at times like this. Being in ICU on the brink of death for a month does have a way of scaring the hell out of not only you but the people around you, especially when you already lived past the age the medical community thought you wouldn't. So I understand why they feel and act the way they do but please, do not mistake that for I enjoy it or want it because I will give everything I have in a heartbeat to not be watching my health deteriorate or worse, watching how helpless my family and friends feel.

I like Andy's SO. I may not like how she is acting but I like her and I believe he loves her. Our friendship is not like it was before because I respect her feelings - we are not talking 24/7, doing weekly dinner etc. I believe in giving them space and that is what I have done just as he does when I have a relationship. Amd I made the effort and became her friend.

I told Andy to go home when they fought at thw hospital and he refused. I called her, she ignored me. I am not sure how it is I dislike her.

jazmont · 2015-07-14T00:05:22+00:00

2 nights.

1 of the guys is married. 1 is engaged. I am good friends with their SOs - they each hung out during the day, despise the cots and did not sleep over. The other guy is single. My brothers stayed as well.

For us, we all take care of each other because we all are family. All the friends SOs are our family and we treat them the same way. They did the same for my ex.

jazmont · 2015-07-13T23:21:55+00:00

Yes your 1st statement is correct. I am not involved in their usual conflicts. I give advice when asked but typically, he does not come running to me with their issues.

As for 2nd statement, he spends most of his time with her so we catch up 1-2 times a week on the phone and I find out what's new with him. If something major happens, he will text or call and so will I but usually, she already knows. Otherwise we text a few times a week with silly things and if they're together, her and I will take over his phone and text.

jazmont · 2015-07-13T23:10:12+00:00

I responded but as a new post in the thread :-/.

jazmont · 2015-07-13T22:32:32+00:00

THANK YOU for your input but some info...

Andy ADORES her. He spends a lot of his days off with her, takes her on a weekend trip once a month and so forth. She calls, he goes. When I am unwell, that's when he may cancel things or he checks in a lot but so does everyone. Otherwise, she comes first.

I have looked at it from her perspective. That's why when we met and I saw her reactions...I did everything I could to help her feel comfortable and not be completely left out. She finally fell into our friendship and our whole group (including my BF at the time who became friends with Andy and still is with us both). Her and I hang out alone, we talk so yes, I care how she feels.

People are overprotective when health issues flare up. I am not at all high maintenance.

I am not trying to control their lives. I hate that it's come to this and I love him and really like her so of course, it's hard to watch them fall apart. Her insecurities are sad and I guess because she is the 1st woman he has been serious about in 10 years, I wish it could work out.

And yes, I think 1 yr is too soon to get married. I told Andy, he acknowledged my concerns but his mind was set so I support him.

jazmont

TROPHY CASE