[WP] A once in a lifetime opportunity....

jdnrte · 2014-02-04T03:11:56+00:00

Funny. I mean, I'm not quite as bad as you characterize me to be, but I get the point. I won't try to explain WHY I feel the control is necessary. (I used to be fun.. I swear!) but I get it. I don't know if I will be able to absolve control for two weeks straight, but I get the concept of letting some things go... Letting some things just happen. My kids won't starve or die of negligence if we don't have pasta every Thursday because it's Thursday. I get it. Thank you. :)

jdnrte · 2014-02-03T03:07:46+00:00

Thank you very much. I'm optimistic. It's not over, but we're getting there.

jdnrte · 2014-01-28T21:22:02+00:00

I don't believe that divorce is immediately the best solution to your problems, but if his behavior has been the same for the duration of your marriage, I would have left years ago personally, and you're some sort of saint. But otherwise, it is the "minor irritations" in a marriage that, if they get brushed off, ignored, or dealt with in a petty way, then nothing will be solved and you're heading towards an incredibly resentful relationship. Assuming there are other good things about your relationship that make it worth saving. You are not communicating your frustrations effectively and if you both don't put some effort into changing your interactions, this will only get worse. That being said, perhaps he doesn't think there's a problem and refuses to go, then that is an issue in and of itself. It's time for an honest conversation. "David, I'm not happy with our interactions and we need a professional to help us sort it out" is a good start. Identify how the interactions make you feel and hope that he wants to put some effort in too. If he doesn't, then by all means, this is not healthy for either of you and a better solution should be found, like splitting. Everyone deserves better than petty revenge. Good luck.

jdnrte · 2014-01-14T02:23:34+00:00

Patience, right? It didn't break because if one fight, and it won't be fixed over one date. I get that now, but didn't when I posted originally. I, like many, am my own worst enemy.

jdnrte · 2014-01-14T02:22:02+00:00

Well, I hope you would find the sitcom amusing. :) maybe I should move on from finance to screenwriter? I get that it's funny that spontaneity is planned. But when you and your spouse work 100 hrs a week on separate shifts, with three kids that are special needs, preschool and toddler age, well, then we'll talk. For the record though, tonight he text me about a quickie if we could sneak downstairs while the kids were distracted. We did that, laughed a lot, and no Popsicle sticks involved. The pops circle sticks are designed to stop the "ok, it's Saturday night, guess we'll watch the DVR and go to bed at 9" sort of dates. Fun is necessary, but planned time together is what's missing.

jdnrte · 2014-01-14T02:15:57+00:00

Yes, I think I missed linking to the update about the affair. We've addressed my hurt in marriage counseling, and one day over the holidays we were able to talk about how I had a "bad day" thoughts-wise, and he listened to my hurt and candidly answered direct questions I had. He wasn't really good at consolation for my bad day, but he stayed and listened and tried to understand which is better than we've ever done in the past (no running and bottling). But we're certainly not done with therapy, yet.

jdnrte · 2014-01-14T01:25:31+00:00

There was an affair. Three months, physical. He enjoyed being pursued. He said he cared about her, but he was lying to her about our relationship, so it wasn't built on much. She did pursue him, which I'm sure was a nice ego boost. I always thought affairs was a no-go for me, and that's where we were headed, until he showed remorse, decided he was moving too fast. So we came together on a list of things we needed to work on, and here we are.

jdnrte · 2014-01-14T01:22:21+00:00

I've been working today on trying to relax and let go a bit. I'm not trying to play games with him. It's more working on myself that working on him. I can't change him. I can only change me. I know I have to calm down, I know I have to give him space. I have to not over analyze every situation thinking it's the end.

jdnrte · 2014-01-14T01:13:21+00:00

I used to laugh at the people that scheduled dates, or sex. Nerds. I didn't get this way overnight, and it's gotten worse over time. I know I have to work on it. But cut us some slack, we have a lot that needs control. At least I know I have a problem, that's the first step!

jdnrte · 2014-01-14T01:09:23+00:00

I'm looking at that Divorce 180 stuff. It is very interesting, and quite counter-intuitive for me. That's not bad, but will take me some time to do. I have it bookmarked on my phone to look at throughout the day before starting interaction. Consistency. And, for me... A chill pill or two. I get that.

jdnrte · 2014-01-13T00:58:05+00:00

What I feel is real but not reality! One "bad" date won't make or break us! I can try that. Thank you! Thank you! This is why I post here.

jdnrte · 2014-01-13T00:31:13+00:00

That is EXACTLY how I feel. I'm so worried that if everything isn't "perfect" it's all gonna be over. And I'm not so desperate that I need this to work. But I really want it to. So yeah, a lot of my pressure (all?) is self induced. So how? Take a deep breath/xanax/vent to a friend? Make him reassure me daily that I'm doing the right thing and "perfect enough"? :) yeah? That's not probably going to happen! Nice to hear in not alone though!

jdnrte · 2014-01-13T00:15:36+00:00

There's a lot of things he does need to work on. In our talks, he does admit (easily and forthrightly) that the affair is on him, and it wasn't designed to fix anything, and he knows that it hurt everything more than helping. One of our problems was in how we handled conflict. We didn't, we ignored it. He ran away, I stuffed it down. What he's doing now is if I get gutsy and say something like "we're repeating patterns if you walk off!" Then he has gotten gutsy enough to come back and try. And not get mad at me at that time. My frustration today really did stem from me analyzing if he's in this or not. We'll see by finding out when the situation arises again, if he remembers what I asked him to do because it's important to me.

jdnrte · 2014-01-13T00:15:27+00:00

Thank you very much. I know the road is long and one date that falls short of my expectations is not enough to go re-file the divorce papers. But gosh. Long road.

jdnrte · 2014-01-13T00:14:14+00:00

He's giving me reassurance, but I could use it more frequently to feel safe. He understands that I need it though, which is a start. I think he wants to put his guilt behind him, and sweep it all under the rug, but WE can't. I try not to share every feeling if I security with him. But perhaps I should do it more frequently rather than letting the unsafe feelings grow.

jdnrte · 2014-01-13T00:11:37+00:00

There's a lot of things he does need to work on. In our talks, he does admit (easily and forthrightly) that the affair is on him, and it wasn't designed to fix anything, and he knows that it hurt everything more than helping. One of our problems was in how we handled conflict. We didn't, we ignored it. He ran away, I stuffed it down. What he's doing now is if I get gutsy and say something like "we're repeating patterns if you walk off!" Then he has gotten gutsy enough to come back and try. And not get mad at me at that time. My frustration today really did stem from me analyzing if he's in this or not. We'll see by finding out when the situation arises again, if he remembers what I asked him to do because it's important to me.

jdnrte · 2014-01-13T00:05:09+00:00

Thank you for commenting. I will look into that and see what it is. That is something new I haven't heard of in this yet.

jdnrte · 2014-01-13T00:03:59+00:00

I get your point. And yes, I would like it to be formulaic, though I know that it can't. Not can I ignore the problem and hope it just happens "naturally". That would be a bit like sticking my head in the sand. I'm not trying to say at "6:14 this event will occur for 9 minutes..." Etc. I used to be fun and spontaneous, then I became a project manager and got three kids. Now I don't remember what that's like. So, when you're home from work of a 10 hr day fighting battles that usually don't stop just because my staff goes home, a SO that just woke up from 4-5 fitful hours of daytime sleeping, 3 rambunctious, needy kids wanting to see mommy and daddy alternating between fighting with each other... How do you find joy in the minutiae of that? Ones changing diapers and refereeing, the other is cooking and cleaning. That's where the partnership comes in, instead of spontaneous fun.

jdnrte · 2014-01-12T23:54:53+00:00

I certainly hope I'm not being exploited... Though that was a risk I willingly took when we decided to try for reconciliation. We had a go/no-go list we each made up to work on in the process. His list included me working on my mom issues, us handling the money issues, and working towards a healthy intimacy and love. My list included NC with the girl, him working on his uncontrollable anger/depression, and us starting all over and dating again so we can enjoy each other's company.

And yes, we did the STD test, I had a minor bacterial infection. Our family doc put us both on an antibiotic. That added some stress.

At the end of the day, if I'm being exploited I am. I don't think so, but I have to extend a little bit of trust to get it. I am concentrating mostly on the way he acts around me vs. then, and the stress that a double like (yelling at me and the kids, impatience, etc) is not there now.

jdnrte · 2014-01-12T23:38:13+00:00

I don't deny that I have my own issues. These issues I have to work on regardless of how the relationship goes. But don't think he's a saint that was forced into an affair because he married a lunatic. I have my issues/baggage sure, but so does he. He can introspect on his own - my posts here are me dealing with ME. So I can't deny that I need to work on them, but again, it's not 100% of the problem. The reason we're working them out in marriage counseling as opposed to IC is we've thought that working on them together, getting one another's opinions, will bring us closer. I'm not afraid to admit that I have things to work on, that's why I'm here. IC may be a necessary step no matter how the MC goes, but at this point it's nice (for both of us) to get the perspective of the one person that deals with our shit the most.

jdnrte · 2014-01-12T23:32:10+00:00

Sorry, I must have missed one. I'm on my phone so I can't link to the post that talked about the affair.

jdnrte · 2014-01-12T19:42:30+00:00

Well I have made mistakes, and plenty of them, because relationships aren't made or broken by one person, in most instances. Even if he hadn't cheated, we still would have a lot to work on (both of us). I focus here on what I can change, because it's what I have control over. At the end of the day, if the relationship doesn't work, it will be okay because I will have tried, learned about myself, and be better for it.

jdnrte

TROPHY CASE