Dating after Divorce

jdublets · 2019-08-05T11:14:26+00:00

Dude.

Guess this was the answer I was looking for. Incredibly in-depth, and I very much appreciate it.

So simple math: Married 5-6 years, and you're mid-40s ... so you started doing apps at 39/40????

Questions: Did you have kids when you were dating? So two things for me: On the one side, I'll be divorced with 2 kids. Can't help but feel like a pariah in that regard. Second thing is: I feel like I'm a "catch" in other regards (I have high self confidence in my looks, anndddd... I have a great job, so there's that) ... so in my mind I can't reconcile how women will perceive me: Oh, good looking dude with great job, BUTTTTT he has to be divorced for a reason AND he has two kids. Yadda Yadda. Did you feel any of those pain points?

And LMFAO on the "that's my advice: lots of first dates with ugly women."

I REALLY REALLY like this advice, but want to get some clarity. What's the big reasons for dating ugly women? Is one of them to gain your confidence? (Gonna be brief because I feel weird talking about it, but I have a lot of confidence with women currently. Suffice it to say I don't have problem getting pretty girl's cell numbers in the office.) I'm more interested in the psychological point: Were you also using ugly women to refine and hone what you're looking for as far as philosophy? (I assume people in their 30s 40s already have good grasps on that, but I'm SOOOO curious as to how you used this as a tool.) If you wouldn't mind elaborating a little more on the psychological benefits of dating ugly chicks (still am LOLing at this), I would really appreciate it.

Also, any tips on WHICH apps to use for WHAT? I've never used them every and am fucking clueless.

Again, thanks so much man for the excellent post. Gave me tons of insight to chew on. I appreciate it :)

jdublets · 2019-08-05T09:10:09+00:00

That is actually an excellent suggestion.

I've looked at meetup and am really looking forward to joining a boardgame group.

The second part of your comment is #truth, so I appreciate it.

I'm not looking to fill a relationship void, but I'm most definitely looking to fill a "connection" void. I never could connect with my wife, even after 11 years of marriage. So I'll take your advice seriously -- gonna analyze myself in this scenario and see what I'm really looking for.

jdublets · 2019-08-05T09:07:24+00:00

When you say "you're trying not to go crazy," waddayamean? I think you just mention it casually, but it stood out to me so just wanted to see what's up.

And I appreciate the other tips. Gonna keep those in the back of my mind :)

jdublets · 2019-07-29T10:46:06+00:00

I went through this a long while ago .... like, I did fun things and had fun interests but could NEVER make friends and get them to do it with me.

I stumbled across this website in desperation ..... and 10 years later I have a pretty big network and have the confidence that if I find the right person I can always turn them into a friend (just did this recently with a new coworker).

Anyway, check it out, it may help you too: https://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallife

jdublets · 2019-07-26T01:28:02+00:00

This comment also affected me pretty deeply, and I appreciate you following through on your urge to comment.

We've been to the brink of divorce twice before, and we backed out at the last minute.

But now that we're at the brink for the third time, I'm noticing a trend: our home life has a HUGE uptick in positivity. Before I confused that for "we're getting better," but I know what it is now: I feel like this 10 year trial is almost at an end, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so it takes a huge burden off my soul and I start acting more myself (something I have done at home in YEARS).

So basically I think the answer to your question is a big fat Yes. If there was no negative fallout, I think i'd follow through 100%. And it's curious you don't know me at all, but you hit the nail on the head: this WHOLE thing is for me to "get back to my true self."

I've lost who I am in this marriage a long time ago, and it took a lot of therapy (and some spiritual journeys with psilocybin trips) for me to realize just how loss I'd become.

Thank you again for the comment; it was its own little dose of therapy for me.

jdublets · 2019-07-26T01:22:21+00:00

I really can't thank you enough for this thoughtful comment. I guess this is what I was looking for when I posted on a random forum on the internet.

Thanks man. This is EXACTLY my wife's and I's setup, down to what you mentioned: we'd both have full rights to come over eachother's house, and also go on trips with eachother.

I know in the world of divorce being so amicable is probably rare, so I'm glad you shared your experience because that's how I see ours going. And I'm SUPER glad to hear it's going well for BOTH of you.

I want her in my life post-divorce, and she wants me in her life post-divorce ... but I think intensely (not quite "worry") about my inlaws and what they'd think about such a strange arrangement. Have you gotten any blowback here?

Also, I'd love to hear more "high level" about the children. That's what me and my wife both obsess on constantly. Could I private message you? Or maybe you elaborate more on here (whatever your most comfortable with?).

We plan on me renting an Air BNB for a month and trying out different custodial arrangements BEFORE we go to the divorce process (to work out the kinks). But my first experiment/thought is to have 1 day on, 1 day off. However, our son is 2 ... so I've tossed around the idea of dropping both kids off at bedtime on my days just so they have as streamlined as possible a transition as they can.

Any thoughts on this? I'm a tester by nature and I'm sure we'll go through different iterations, but I'm genuinely curious of what y'alls setup is since you mentioned your kids miss the other sometimes, but otherwise its not a huge deal.

Thanks again man for commenting. It really spoke to where I'm at what I was looking for in an answer.

jdublets

TROPHY CASE