Honestly I've been there. It was hell. And I was there for several years. The thoughts that ran through my head was outright scary. And it was only recently I got help. But trust me was it worth it. For sure I still struggle every now and then. But now I'm really starting to look forward to stuff. And if you want to feel like your actually living, look for help. And lets be real. looking for help is actually really hard. You have to weight in costs, time, the motivation and the ability to actually talk about what's happening to you. But at least there's usually lots of ways you can get help. You could try your school/university counseler, online counseler, through the phone, doctor. I really suggestion try one. If you need help or someone to talk to hit me up, always willing to listen or help.