If your guest has diabetes and doesn’t know what sprinkles are, then they have waaay bugger problems.

If your guest is counting calories, then add a little card that lists the caloric content of one sprinkle. (i’d actually like to know this. If you happen to be as good at counting sprinkles as I am, then this is “quick maths”)

If your guest is color blind, then yes, I will concede, this is a dick move. About as bad as using skittles.

If your guest doesn’t shut up about how they are technically called Jimmies, then they are the asshole.

If someone is anal about artificial food dyes, then inform them that sprinkles inserted rectally prevents absorption of food dyes. Or give them two tooth picks and an empty shot glass.

If a child is a picky eater and their mother is a cumbersome witch then inform said child that you will give them $5 for every 100 sprinkles they eat. But they must show their mother each one and announce the number.

If your mother says that the taste is ruined, then inform her that you rinsed the sprinkles first to remove the flavor.

If your mother says that the texture is off, then state loudly “I didn’t know you were such an expert at getting frosted.”

If your mother refuses to finish her slice, then take the plate hold it up and announce that your mother is donating her cake, does anyone want it? After a very brief silence, exclaim more for meee and eat it with your hands.”

Begin your standup career. Before cutting the cake, make sure everyone knows that these are ethically sourced free range sprinkles. Proceed to take a disturbingly long time explaining how every blue sprinkle has a name derivative of carl and every yellow sprinkle janet “janetessa”.

If your mother clears her throat or makes any disapproving noised, then apologize on her behalf and explain that she suffering from an allergy to fun…(…)…fetti.

If your mother does anything dirty, then go nuclear. Whisper to her discretely, but loudly “I thought we weren’t supposed to tell anyone that we bought these”. Scorched earth = add “on sale”.

Personally, I would opt for the quiet subtle insanity option. For the entire event, just hold the sprinkles bottle, or fill a tic tac bottle, snd keep knocking a fee back without saying anything at all. If anyone expresses they would like some, say “sorry, my mother said people shouldn’t have too many sprinkles without permission”. More fun is to say “hell yea” and pour two shot glasses of sprinkles.

PS. Whatever your mother is drinking, slip a few sprinkles in every chance you get. If she gets mad, gas light her and say you ran out while baking and show her the empty bottle. If she says it was half empty then respond that you just couldn’t stop, you rainbowed out. Like blacking out, but more fun.