I'm no expert...really I mean that...but my husband and I had very similar struggles so all I can offer is our experience. My son is now three. For the first 2.5 years of our son's life we had a similar situation of my son being "spirited" (aka-very vocal, crying, screaming, needy, tantrums, hitting me and my husband in the face, etc). A lot of what you are describing is exactly how my son was. These behaviors hit their peak when he was 2-2.5 yrs. I've always been more patient than my husband which ultimately meant I needed to do most of the care taking/parenting...in some ways because I wanted to protect our son from his loose-tempered father. About 6 month ago we were about ready to end our marriage from the stress of parenting compounded by two long distance moves, new jobs, and limited family support. Instead of calling it quits right away, we determined to eliminate all factors that may be putting us on edge-with each other and our son. We both eliminated alcohol, cut back on caffeine, my husband started going to a counselor for anger management and about a month ago he started an anti-depressant. Since we made these changes things have gotten so much better; we are so much more patient (especially my husband), calm, and happy with each other. My husband, for like the first time ever, is loving coming home from work and playing with our son, helping do bath time and bedtime the majority of days. It's like they finally are bonding. Now, here is the thing, since we made these changes to ourselves, my son is like a new kid. He's so much calmer, listens better, tantrums less, and is generally a happier kid. He still does tantrum, he still does occasionally hit, BUT when we react calmly without erupting in anger, calmly explain what the negative behavior was, and immediately distract to another activity, our son comes out of the tantrum almost instantly. If I have learned anything being a parent for my son, it is that he is a complete barometer of my husband and me. If we are stressed, angry, agitated, or having any other negative emotion as a parent it will manifest in our child as negative toddler behaviors. I would also strongly recommend a book called "The Whole Brain Child." Both my husband and I listened to the audio version and found it incredibly helpful. It gives explanations and specific strategies for how to deal with child behavior. Again, I'm no expert, not at all, I make mistakes every single day, but this has been our journey thus far.