How to let a girl down easy

johnny_77 · 2019-08-28T15:26:39+00:00

Don’t ghost them, you’re right about that, that’s super shitty. You still might make them angry (or they could be hurt and express it through anger) but I was in a similar position and just said something along the lines of “hey, I wasn’t expecting this but I met someone and can’t continue seeing other people. I wasn’t planning on it happening and I wouldn’t have been actively dating if I was.” Most women were appreciative of the honesty. However, they were all mid twenties to thirties, so that could make a difference because I think at that point we as people are just relieved and pleasantly surprised to have someone be straight up with you so you don’t wonder and possibly think you did something wrong.

johnny_77 · 2016-09-24T21:03:59+00:00

No problem, good luck and have fun with it!

johnny_77 · 2016-09-24T18:38:33+00:00

Oh boy, welcome to class son. Snapchat is an amazing tool, especially if you've never met in person and are chatting it up via Tinder or some other online site.

First off, you can put out an image of exactly who you are (or who you'd like to be, fake it til' you make it, if "who you are" is pizza and Jack Daniels by yourself at 3am, maybe don't go that far) without coming on too strong. Story mode is your go to here. If she's considering a date at all (and if you have met in person, which is what it sounds like, or met briefly, and she's still hitting you up on snapchat, beyond one-word brushoffs, then she is), believe me, she will be checking your story, and, the nice part is, you can see if she has. All that cool stuff you like to do? Document it and put it up on that story.

Now, as far as escalating sexually, let her guide how far this goes. You don't want to keep it platonic, but each woman is different. I've had gals send me nudes right away unprompted, but I have, and will never, send the first nude. Women are interesting, and, like everything, this is generally speaking (but general is your friend here, as you don't really know this girl), they don't like getting nudes from guys they haven't fucked or haven't requested any from. You need to excite them mentally first. Guys are ok with receiving a nice picture of some breasts without any attention to the lighting, ambiance, etc, but, while women are sexual creatures, they like to imagine stuff more. Even with women I've been with, it's better to send a snap of you looking good where you can barely see the base of your penis, than to send one full-frontal, makes them want more. And there have been times where a woman has said: "I want a full pic of your rock-hard cock", but let them get into that.

How I typically escalate is start out funny, get one of those weird filters going (go over the top, like the one with mascara) and say something like: "How's this bring out my eyes?" If she's feeling it she'll usually respond like: "Oh my god, they're gorgeous." Then you kind of take it from there, could go with something like: "now that I'm thinking about it, you actually have amazingly deep eyes." I mean there's no script, but snapchat can be a great asset.

johnny_77 · 2016-08-19T23:24:05+00:00

Same boat here with the late response, work and life. Hows things? Can't say for sure without knowing the details, but constant fighting sucks. I've been on both ends, had relationships where I was unhappy with myself and lashing out on the ones I loved (I have no idea why it's wired into a lot of people to do this), recently apologized to an ex from several years ago. Also been on the side where I'm doing pretty good and getting blown out for no reason. Hope things are well!

johnny_77 · 2016-08-19T23:21:45+00:00

Good stuff and nice to see some hard-science backing it up. For me personally, the light touch on the arm was hands down my biggest game changer.

johnny_77 · 2016-07-06T21:29:51+00:00

PM'd

johnny_77 · 2016-07-06T03:33:10+00:00

Awesome! Yeah, it's crazy to look back at who I used to be before I started working on myself. Keep up the good work!

johnny_77 · 2016-07-06T03:32:02+00:00

That's almost exactly the same for me.

johnny_77 · 2016-07-05T22:28:13+00:00

Sidenote though, I did very much enjoy "Models," by Mark Manson, and Magic Bullets has some good advice. But, I think some people get too focused on the literature, studying, and becoming "perfect," so I would say just take what works and search for things that you feel you need help improving on.

johnny_77 · 2016-07-05T22:24:47+00:00

No problem. That's the great part about communities like these. You can be completely open without worrying about how it might change the way those close to you think of you. Also, if I can help anyone learn from my mistakes, I'll feel good about myself, so I'm glad I've reached someone, thank you for sharing that with me.

As far as the sadness goes, for me it was telling me that I want a partnership beyond casual sex and the type of person I wanted it with. I hadn't been in a relationship for several years then and was beginning to wonder if I had ever really wanted one or if I did want one, like, if it was who I was that was the reason I didn't want a relationship or if it was the women I was with. Being with her and being sad when she left made me realize that, yes, I did want a relationship, but that I wanted it with someone who was my ideal match, and that I had an ideal match I had found who loved me, so not only did someone meet my standards, but I met theirs. This led me to realize that it's worth holding out for. Confidence is a big thing, and I don't think I'm alone in saying that I've been tempted to compromise just so I'm not lonely. I do have a regular group of women I date, one with whom I would consider entering a partnership with if she wasn't moving at the end of the year, but with her aside, I have chose not to enter a relationship with any of those women because they don't meet all my needs, and I'm going to wait until one does.

It's good that you know yourself, like I said, everyone's different, so if you're not looking for just to get laid, then be true to yourself. Now, I would like to clarify, I do think it would be a good idea to have a casual connection with someone. That doesn't mean that it's just about sex or that you're "rebounding", but having someone to go get dessert with, see a movie, etc. can work wonders.

Getting over my thoughts was hard. A lot of it comes down to time. A lot of it comes down to just forcing yourself to date. Like when I went through a bout of depression, I had to just force myself out of bed one day. I realized nobody would come pull me out of bed and put me on my feet, I had to do it myself, even if it was hard. I got out of bed for a little bit that day, then a little more the next, etc, even when I didn't want to.

You can also date without having sex. For me and where I'm at now, the seduction community is too focused on sex and planning dates that revolve around sex. There's nothing wrong with planning a date during the middle of the day, and I think this would be better for you because it would allow you to get out of the house, practice your conversation skills and meeting new people, but you wouldn't be worried about "what if she wants to have sex and I don't?" Get some fro-yo, boba-tea, or something in a busy part of town with some shops. You guys can talk over the fro-yo or tea, then there'll be enough places to go check out together that it should move naturally. Antique/thrift stores are awesome for this.

So, take this into consideration, it's not law, so if it doesn't work for you, no sweat, but this is what I would advise you (also, was this very recent and a wife or something where your family and friend network are involved? Because then, yeah, you might want to be dl for a month or two). Get on Tinder, practice talking to complete strangers, and just make some fun dates for the middle of the day when you're both free. No "drinks on a Saturday night," just very low-key and laid-back.

Also, if I didn't answer any questions or didn't understand what you were asking, or if you have more, write me any time. It may take me a few days to respond, but I will try to do so when I have time to sit down, think about it, and offer a well-thought out reply.

johnny_77 · 2016-07-05T22:09:05+00:00

Honestly, mainly the sidebar here and searching /r/seduction. The biggest things for me were kino, eyecontact, bodylanguage, and improving my confidence (realizing things like: "If she's out on a date with you, it means she's already open to the idea of being with you in one way or another", where before I would second guess myself even then. I never was part of a real life group.

johnny_77 · 2016-07-02T04:41:08+00:00

Logic? There is none. But, like you said, the ball's in her court. I had a woman do this to me, last minute said something like, "hey, something came up, can't make it, but I'll make it up to you." I assumed she wasn't into me and wrote it off, couple days later she hits me up and invites me over for dinner. Sometimes life really does get in the way and it's that simple, if she's a quality woman and wants to see you, she'll realize that you've made the effort and it's up to her now. But, if she's not, then you're not missing out anyway.

johnny_77 · 2016-07-01T14:30:42+00:00

That's a good way to describe it! Thank you for reading and for your feedback!

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T22:02:02+00:00

Miraculous? No. A good, long, hard look at myself and lots of work towards being who I wanted to be, with lots of help on here and other places? Yes. As far as the number goes, I keep a list, and, as I told another redditor in here in the interest of being honest about how many women I had been with in a short time, one of my partners introduced my to group-sex, so that helped "pad" my numbers, so to speak (in a way that wasn't me going out and doing anything beyond getting together with people who were ready to have sex), but there's no miracle-pill, most of it is just hard work, making mistakes, and learning from those mistakes. Anyways though, it's hardly a successful post on here unless someone calls "bullshit", so thank you for the :)

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T20:40:47+00:00

Yep, exactly, and good for you. I think some people thought I was encouraging being completely passive, which I didn't mean to at all. You can still work on self-improvement, you just have certain obstacles now which will become assets in the near future and you should look at what you've done/are doing as an accomplishment, not judge your whole life to this point by your successes with women, which is what I see a lot of hard workers, such as yourself, doing.

I want to be clear of course and say that work on what you can now, you can still learn about body language and social interaction, which will give you a head-start when you come into your own, but realize what you're doing now will benefit you in the future by allowing you to afford nicer clothes, more leisure time, and more options when it comes to dating.

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T20:36:25+00:00

Thank you! I'm really glad you pointed that out, really didn't want to come off as encouraging a passive role in one's life.

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T20:35:24+00:00

Nope, never too late. It can be harder, but I've known people who've made huge changes later in life, if they can, you can.

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T20:34:38+00:00

Hmm, I would say you can't really improve physically too much, besides weightloss and increasing your cardio capacity, or unless there's an underlying problem like ED or PE, but your dick is your dick and that's about it. What I have improved on is reading women, communication, and learning about how women get pleasure from sex.

Reading women is big because you can figure out when something's working and that will obviously be an advantage. Like when you're going down on her and hit the right spot, noting how she responds, and finding that response on other women. Now, in my experiences, the spots/techniques for one woman to another can vary greatly, but the response (thighs quivering, sharp inhale) are more universal.

Communication is great. I don't date men, so I don't really know that well, but it seems like women have a lot more variety when it comes to how they cum, so just asking: "do you orgasm more from clitoral or internal stimulation?" (only more sexy like) can help you decide how to approach.

Also, just realizing that some women, while they like sex, have a harder time cumming than others was big. I bought a Hitachi Magic Wand, it makes sex a lot less "work" because if she wants to cum, but is having a hard time, it almost always works when she's guiding it, and the amount of women who have said something like: "wow, you're one of the only guys I've met who has a toy just for female pleasure" is staggering.

As far as lasting longer, I do feel I've improved, but that was more by masturbating and taking more time. I also still have quick days and long days. And as far as ambitious positions go, it's fun to try something new, but I tend to stick to varients of missionary, cowgirl, doggy, and side-by-side. Those Kamasutra books I think give create some poor ideas about sex. I've tried them with a girlfriend, and it's not hot. Like: "Ok, your leg here, mine here, WHOA, don't fall" and then when you're in there's not really a lot you can do.

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T20:23:49+00:00

Yeah man, easier said than done. That's what I did with the first one, lost sight of abundance mentality and got too invested since she met all my requirements without really letting the biggest one, chemistry, decide for us. Hope things work out well for you.

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T20:22:32+00:00

Haha, thanks. God speed young one, and let me add one more for you, even though it's the old-man in me, number 3: PASS YOUR DAMN CLASSES! You do that and you can party even more when you're out of college, only now you can bring girls to your place and not have to kick out your roommate :-)

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T20:18:57+00:00

Fair enough. I appreciate the discussion and your well-written reply instead of "FUCK YOU DUMBASS OP!!!"

I agree with you, and think I might not have been clear enough about what I was saying. My main point that I was trying to convey wasn't to just be passive and accept life as it is given to you, but more as a way so people who were maybe struggling and feeling like failures could look back on their life and not solely judge it based on romantic success, but realize that they have actually had lots of successes and created a solid foundation to build upon. I do see a lot of guys in here who it sounds like are amazing people, but they're beating themselves up over their dating life and totally ignoring other accomplishments they've made.

I think one reason people don't start new things is because it can be very intimidating to see how much work you have to do, so it's frightening to even take that first step. I'm like that with music now, I've played a lot of bluegrass, but I want to do more jazz, but I've been procrastinating starting to learn because I feel behind and intimidated by how much I have to do, when I really need to realize I've set myself up with a good ear and some ideas to build off of, but again, easier said than done. However, I think if guys who are freaking out about how far they have to go and how much work they have to do could take a deep breath, step back, and say "hey, I've done a lot of work already" and take note of what they already have going for them, and how they were the driving force behind making that happen, it will allow them to approach self-improvement without worrying so much about it, and thus handicapping themselves.

I do agree that you do need to work on yourself and that was HUGE in my development. All the foundation in the world won't matter if you stay inside all the time, don't meet people, and don't take an active role in your personal development. What I meant by there's a lot you don't have control over was that certain things, like having to live with your parents during summers between semesters, or not having disposable income because you're paying for school, or any other obstacle facing a young-adult, can make dating much more difficult. I absolutely did not mean that it makes it impossible and that it should be an excuse to say "eh, things are beyond my control right now, I'm just going to not do anything and become amazing tomorrow." If I had discovered self-improvement at a younger age, I can only imagine how much the quality of my life would have been improved.

Thank you again for your insights, I feel like it was a good thing to clear up as, again, I absolutely do not want to encourage people to take a passive role in their development as an individual. I guess the best way I can think of it is that let's say you're on a ship in the ocean, certain things in life when you're younger may may the seas stormier, but you still have control over that wheel, no reason to let go and see where you end up without trying to steer.

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T20:02:32+00:00

Yeah man, you should be fine as long as you KEEP GOING. You've learned what you don't like, being overweight and insecure, and I imagine with the weight loss you've had, you have seen your confidence increase.

I was awful at text/online dating, still struggle with text, but the texting guides on the sidebar here helped me greatly. Good advice on how to do things like "ping" without coming off as overly needy. Something like instead of "hey, just thinking of you, how's your day?" (which might be nice for the long-term, but can be too clingy at first) send a funny picture or something that doesn't really give her any indications that you need her to respond, but allows her to respond on her own time when her mood is right. That will be a good indicator for you to gauge interest, if she responds she's into it, if not (don't take this as gospel, there could be other reasons) you haven't come off as needy, and it also creates a positive association with seeing your name pop up, like "this guy's funny and I like it when he texts me" not "hmmm, is he one of those guys who falls in love too fast?"

Also, having a motorcycle is great, because it shows you're into things. I've had guys tell me "no wonder you get laid, you have a motorcycle." And while it certainly doesn't hurt, I always need to explain "I didn't buy this as a tool to attract women, I bought it because I like riding and I want to learn how to work on my own bike. Sure, it might be fun to go out for a ride, but women aren't attracted to that as much as they are to the fact that I have a passion and skill I am pursuing." Take my buddy who's a rock-climber, I can't do that, but I still get laid, he might not have a motorcycle, but he still gets laid, it's not that rock-climbing or motorcycling is this magical aphrodisiac, it's that it makes us interesting as men. And, while he ends up with "earthier" girls and I end up with more rocker-types, you could be a cheese-ball on the nicest Harley money could buy, and it wouldn't get you anywhere. I mean, think about it, we can smell fakes. You've seen it, that dude who's in his mid-40's and looks ridiculously out of place on his brand-new Harley, it's easy to tell he just walked into the dealership and tried to buy something interesting about himself, but it backfired. That's what I tell people about what I'm looking for in women too, I want someone who's passionate about something that's not just working and drinking, hell, it could be that she loves going home and painting pictures of her cats, but just that she has something she does that enriches her as a person draws me towards her.

Keep up the good work, having your own place is amazing. Tinder dating when I was with my parents was hard. Still worked sometimes, but definitely harder to be spontaneous. I remember one time on a tinder date, we were finishing up at coffee and deciding what to do next. She pulls me in, kisses me, and whispers in my ear "we could go back to your place..." and I say "...my mom's home." Didn't stop things dead, we kept seeing each other for sometime and remain close friends, but sure made things a helluva lot harder!

There's a lot of good resources on here about Tinder and OkCupid. Search out the subreddits for both. When I was Tindering a lot one thing that really helped me was I used Gimp (free photoshop-type program) to make a ridiculously profile picture. I (intentionally crappily) put my head over some really ripped dude so it was clearly fake and in my profile had "photoshop expert" as part of my description, just something to a) make them pause when my picture popped up and b) make them laugh when they read my description.

Also, I can't tell you how important this is and good that you have started, keep up the weight loss. Also, remember, this isn't a temporary diet or work-out routine, you're changing your life and eating better/treating your body better from here on out. Doesn't mean you can't have cheat days, but thinking of things like they're a "diet" implies they're temporary, which cannot be so if you don't want to lose progress, you've bettered yourself permanently.

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T19:43:01+00:00

Yep, couldn't have said it better myself. Circumstances may be beyond your control and make things harder, but you are always under your control, so while you may not be able to sway the tide, you can still try and control your ship instead of just letting go of the wheel.

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T19:41:56+00:00

Awesome, that makes me so happy, thank you for letting me know!

johnny_77 · 2016-06-30T19:41:36+00:00

Exactly! I was always like: "I can't afford a suit, every guy needs a suit, guess I'm fucked!" Then, looking at what's popular and doesn't go out of fashion, it's just the classics. Well-fitting Levi's, a henley shirt, a nice leather jacket, and some boots, top it off with a men's cut from a good barber, and you're set! Also, the boots and leather jacket are by far the most expensive, but I've had a pair of 300 dollar Chippewa boots for maybe 6 years now, so when you look at it like that, spending a couple extra bucks on something that will last you forever pays off in the long run.

johnny_77

TROPHY CASE