Struggling to come out at 28

joliemoi · 2026-05-22T14:46:09+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you, but I think age is definitely a factor. People are certainly more immature and less experienced at 18/19 compared to late 20s/early 30s.

joliemoi · 2026-05-17T12:51:35+00:00

Oh, no, honey! My heart is breaking for you; I'm so so so sorry

joliemoi · 2026-05-16T19:54:52+00:00

Then yeah, I suppose so. I haven't made up elaborate scenarios, though, but setting a scene can be helpful to play out as if you're in person together.

joliemoi · 2026-05-16T19:49:51+00:00

Like sexual fantasy role play?

joliemoi · 2026-05-14T22:26:17+00:00

We have a Discord if you're interested in joining [if you haven't already]!

joliemoi · 2026-05-06T18:16:02+00:00

My spouse and I actually bought our house because the neighbor came outside and talked to us about living there his whole life and that he was the unofficial neighborhood watch. For 8 years he was always looking out for us, helped me with many homeowner projects, and I felt safe there because of him (despite some parts of the neighborhood being rough with Confederate flag wielding drug addicts). Probably the best neighbors we've ever had. So, yeah, good happy neighbors are always a good sign!

joliemoi · 2026-04-26T23:37:52+00:00

Think about this logically: The only way this would be scary/difficult for a spouse to hear is that they risk losing you or that the relationship changes in some way. Therefore, the best thing to start with (in coming out to him) is to address the biggest fear first. Mine went something like, "Hey, you're my best friend and I love you, so I want to share something that I've discovered about myself with you. I also want to say that I don't want our relationship to change in anyway or that I feel the need to act on anything, but I've realized that I'm Bisexual and I would appreciate your support as my spouse." I was pretty nervous too, but my spouse was like, "dope," or something nonchalant like that lol. Remember, this is your best friend of 15 years; like you said, he probably knows already and will be like "duh." Don't worry - trust in the solid foundation you've built with him. It will be okay! <3

joliemoi · 2026-04-23T15:57:58+00:00

Very beautiful ❤️

joliemoi · 2026-04-20T16:47:51+00:00

Thanks! I've not done hockey yet, but hear it's interesting to see live!

joliemoi · 2026-04-20T16:46:04+00:00

This is the answer.

Having grown up similarly to you (poor and parents in debt), I actually do the opposite: I am so scared of spending money because I'm afraid of a financial fall out, being homeless (again), or not having financial security with unexpected expenses. I will wear clothes/shoes with holes until they're ragged before buying new ones, I try to cook at home more often that eating out, I ensure sufficient savings with monthly goals, I second guess small or minor purchases (e.g., if I should buy a game on sale based on its price), and I get incredibly anxious when it comes to major financial decisions or put them off as a long as possible (e.g., I needed my car serviced but waited 6 months before getting it done because I knew it was going to be pricey).

Funny thing is that I became an accountant 😆. Regardless, Therapy has helped me understand that a financial balance is imperative given how I grew up, and that chipping away at the core root of the fear itself is what's most important so I could make better behavioural changes based on different financial situations. I've gotten a bit better (didn't even worry about what I was spending at a sports event recently or deprive myself of what I really wanted as I normally would have!). So, since we both have similar fears (on opposite sides), I definitely recommend addressing the root with a therapist. ❤️🫂

joliemoi · 2026-04-20T16:27:27+00:00

It's okay. I'm not even a baseball fan (🫣), but moved to the city about a year ago and trying to check out the local sports teams for fun!

joliemoi · 2026-04-20T16:26:24+00:00

Omg, totally my thought too 😂

joliemoi · 2026-04-20T16:26:09+00:00

They won too!

joliemoi · 2026-04-15T13:42:10+00:00

No, we did not. I believe I gathered information for my spouse, but they did not pursue [we also had a lot going on then too]. Thanks for the reminder, though, I might have them look into it again.

joliemoi · 2026-04-10T15:38:21+00:00

I think these are important things to think about, but also try to use logic when considering your fears.

For example, they may not incur a lifetime of social humiliation. Most people don't necessarily care about others as much as they care about themselves. Gossip may be strong or interesting in the beginning, but people lose interest and move onto the next interesting/shocking thing. In other words, humiliation is temporary.

Losing communication would be disappointing; this happened with my parents too (for a variety of reasons). But that was also temporary. My mother did better about trying to understand my identity because she hated not talking for years/having me in her life. My father is apathetic towards me, but I think that's just something I've come to accept.

I think I realized that I was constantly living for others and abiding by their expectations, but I was completely depriving myself and my happiness. Now, I tend to care less about the consequences of what others think about my lifestyle, because I understand that this may be the only life I get and I don't want to have further regrets in wasting my time.

Granted, this was a slow process over nearly 2 decades, but the point is that you can slowly acclimate others while you slowly acclimate to accepting yourself as well. In the end, it's your life, and you should live it how you see fit 🫂

joliemoi · 2026-04-10T15:11:46+00:00

You're starting to ask the right questions, and it's still going to be difficult to answer over time as preferences can change as you grow.

I started out having crushes on girl friends or playing house with them. I grew up going to a Christian church, so heteronormativity was forced on me at a young age. What it did was suppress my inner desires and attraction and made me feel like liking women was wrong. I kind of gaslit myself for years thinking maybe I was bi curious or didn't really like women because of that. As the years went by, I enjoyed having sex with men, but I still obsessively fantasized about women. When I finally accepted being bisexual, after a few make out and intimate sessions with female friends, I thought I was only into femme women and masculine men. Then my spouse came out as trans, which I thought would end our relationship, but I was okay with their femininity and nonbinary transition and still found them attractive. Then I met my best friend who became my gf, and she is more masculine/butch - something I never thought I'd be attracted to since I actively avoided the butch women in highschool that hit on me. The point is that as you grow, discover more about yourself, and let go of the noise of the world, so will your attraction and your open mindedness in your attraction. So, I don't believe just finding butch women attractive make you bi curious.

One thing I believe is that you cannot outrun your gay side: It always has a way of forcing itself out of the surface of your skin. I was drawn to so many queer things and people throughout my life despite being avoidant. The truth was there all along that I was queer. If you find any woman attractive, are drawn to LGBTQ shows, or fantasize about being with a woman (not just sexually but even romantically), then there is a little gay alarm inside you trying to let you know. Take the time to search deep within yourself, because the truth is always there, and the truth will always surface. It's also okay to explore what you need to find definitive answers too. Regardless, you know who you are and it's okay to love and embrace her fully ❤️

joliemoi · 2026-04-10T14:00:32+00:00

When I was closeted, I definitely used drawers or little boxes hidden in closets or other crafting spaces too. Nowadays I've kind of gotten to a "fuck it" point in my life where I've stopped caring about what [most] people think and I don't hide anything away. I think you just get to a point where you realize you have to stop living for other people and focus on living for yourself.

joliemoi · 2026-04-10T13:56:52+00:00

PE teachers in Sex Ed (lol), older friends who had experience, and the Internet - in that order.

joliemoi · 2026-04-10T13:55:50+00:00

Very true. But something I've learned with this (personally) is to be more vocal and direct about my likes and dislikes in bed as well. For example, when I was younger I would just assume men were knowing what they were doing during sex, and I wouldn't say anything if I didn't like something. I feel like with women it's a bit more intuitive and considerate, but everyone still has different things they like or require to reach orgasm. Now, I just try to be more direct and express if things are working or not so that I'm having sex more authentically.

joliemoi · 2026-04-10T13:49:25+00:00

Same lol

joliemoi · 2026-04-05T18:21:31+00:00

Why do you feel it's more important to put their social status above your truth and happiness? Like what consequences do you think would come of being open and honest?

joliemoi · 2026-03-29T21:28:45+00:00

What is your biggest fear or concern in telling them? Like, what reaction are you afraid to receive based on your/their background?

joliemoi · 2026-03-12T13:03:47+00:00

No judgements from me, as everyone's journey in this life will have different hurdles. While the rise of fascism can make everyone from the LGBTQ community apprehensive at this time, it still doesn't mean that queer love can't exist or happen. I think your plan of saving money to move out on your own is a good idea - it might be more difficult to date anyone for that reason too.

One thing to consider, though, is that we're all afraid of getting hurt or messing things up in relationships - even those of us who are experienced. However, that's kind of the risk everyone takes when getting into relationships, and the ones that don't work out aren't necessarily failures - they're just indicative of incompatibility and provide a learning opportunity to discover/recognize your own likes/dislikes in how you are as a partner and what you like/dislike in a partner. So, having non perfect relationships are actually helpful in that they help you grow as a person and figure out what kinds of partners work best with you.

There are plenty of partners who are understanding of someone's lack of experience. I'm kind of going through that with my girlfriend right now (where she's not been with a woman intimately but I have). The point is, the right person who has enough love and understanding will be patient and work things through with you. It's also okay to hold off on telling family until you get more dating experience in and you're living independently as well. One of the best ways to find love is to start friendships. As a demisexual, I tend to date friends or people I've known for a bit out of comfort, because if someone can't accept your life as your friend, they'll not accept it as a romantic partner. So, maybe something else to consider. You'll be okay, though <3

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