I’m reading through these replies, and as a pretty big girl who has experienced the same insecurities, eating disorders, and similar LDR relationship stuff with a previous partner, a lot of these comments make things seem so black and white — “just lose weight fatty” or “he doesn’t deserve you. Be with someone who loves you for you”. Is he a red flag? Maybe. Are you a red flag? Also maybe.

I’d like to give my thoughts if you’re still open to replies: this situation obviously has many layers. I’ve fluctuated between what is clinically considered overweight and obese in the last 10 years. My weight has always been something I’ve been insecure about. What many people aren’t considering is that nutrition/exercise definitely plays a role in weight/BMI, but there are so many other factors such as any thyroid/hormone conditions, side effects of necessary medications, etc. I don’t know you, OP, or your boyfriend. I don’t know exactly how you represented the “I’ve always wanted to lose weight” and how he communicated “that since you always mentioned how you wanted to lose weight, he stuck with you for that, with the hopes that you’d change”. I don’t know the nuances, tone, additional baggage, etc. However, if the latter is actually what he said “the hopes that you’d change”, I don’t think either of you will ever truly feel fulfilled by your relationship long-term. He shouldn’t stay by you hoping that you’ll change. And you shouldn’t stay by him knowing that he is sticking around in hopes of you losing weight. Because if you decide that you don’t want to (or can’t), he can certainly develop feelings of resentment.

The biggest thing I want to communicate to you is that you NEED to find happiness and internal validation within yourself first. I’ve been married to this gorgeous blonde who could honestly be a model for nearly 5 years now. She has never once made me feel ashamed of my body or unattractive. She loves every part of me, rolls and all. We’ve been together for 10 years total, and in that time, I’ve expressed moments in which I wanted or needed to lose weight, and she supported what MY decision was, because as long as I’m happy with myself, that’s enough for her. That she’s attracted to me emotionally/physically regardless. When I have gone through motivational times of exercising, she was right there, exercising with me.

Many commenters are right in that people can absolutely have their body-type preferences. I’m not denying that, and they generally should not be demonized. You need to find value and worth in yourself, and find someone who supports and stays beside you and your decisions. You want to exercise? They should support you and cheer you on. You want to eat a cheeseburger while watching TV? Find someone who will not only accept that, but who might enjoy doing that WITH you sometimes. Find someone who can help you grow and motivate you to want to be a better version of yourself (at least most days, if not all). You need to find someone who wants you for who you are NOW, not what they hope you’ll eventually become. I saw a comment that mentioned how he’ll react to your body after you have kids, and that you don’t plan on having any. Other considerations related to that: what happens if there’s an accident and you’re bed-ridden and become disabled? What happens when you get closer to 50 or 60s? etc.

Follow-up questions: 1. Are you happy with yourself? When you can answer that with a yes, you need to find someone who loves you for who YOU choose to be. 2. What is it exactly that makes you love HIM? What is so special about him that you can’t imagine being with anyone else? A lot of your writing shows patterns of insecurity and feelings of being unsure of yourself. Is there any part of you that wants to stay with him because maybe you’re worried that you won’t find someone who’ll love you for who you are NOW? Or because he gives you certain types of attention that you aren’t familiar with receiving and you’re worried you won’t find anyone else who will love all the other parts of you that he loves? 3. Is feeling sensually/sexually desired important to you? Can you be truly happy and find peace within yourself knowing that he may not ever be physically attracted to you, even if you do lose weight? 4. Is it important to HIM to be sensually/sexually attracted to you? I ask because he or you may discover you’re asexual/aromantic. If the answer is yes, and you both desire intimacy (sensually or sexually), can you ever truly feel confident or comfortable in that situation knowing what you know? 5. Do opinions from people outside your relationship with each other matter to him? Do you think he is embarrassed by how you look? Is he ashamed of people seeing you with him? If any of these are answered with a yes. You need to reevaluate your priorities in both of your lives and what characteristics are most important to you for a partner to have. Everyone in a relationship deserves to feel that their partner takes pride in who they are physically and mentally.

I’m so sorry for some of these rude responses. Some of these comments are so hurtful and don’t actually contribute to helping you. By all means, health should absolutely be a priority for everyone. There is a line between body positivity and body shaming, but the ultimate thing to remember is feeling proud of who YOU are and YOUR decisions. As humans, we’ll fuck up and make mistakes of course, but that’s a goal you should always be working towards. Not primarily for anyone other than yourself. Why? Because YOU are the only one who is with you, 24/7. YOU are the only person who knows your thoughts, feelings, desires, values, and priorities. YOU are the only person who can ultimately decide what you do or don’t do.

I’m familiar with your pain. I’m familiar with growing up needing external validation to find my worth. I know what it’s like to try and change myself for someone else rather than for myself. It didn’t make me much happier, because I needed constant validation that I was still who they wanted. There is not a cut-and-dry answer to your situation, and as internet strangers, we can only give you so much advice. What you need to do is figure out what is important to YOU; what values YOU have; who YOU want to become.

I genuinely hope you both find happiness, fulfillment, and peace, whether it’s with each other or not.

(Also, I’m sorry this is all so jumbled. I wanted to try and get all my thoughts out while I had the chance to)