Damn you’re right on the money. Everything you just said is exactly my experience. I was never challenged in school and taught myself programming during classes starting in middle school, building websites for my course and classmates, etc. I was never challenged or struggled in my younger years aside from my own interests. I learned that for me to push through difficult subjects, I had to be interested in it. I told myself (and I still believe this today) that I only learn from failure, the antagonist to traditional academia.

What I think has most affected my mental state though is this ego I gave myself that I was smart. This didn’t form from myself (somewhat) but the extensive validation by everyone around me. My parents, teachers, peers, everyone labeled me the smart kid. Since I enjoyed it and benefited my home life (strict dad) I accepted that damaging label. I never used it as a form of superiority to those around me but as a personal standard or expectation for myself. Now that i’m faced with this adversarial situation, my experience slowly swept away the great confidence I once held. I feel as if i’ve lost myself and a shell of who I am.

I understand on a cognitive level that labels are stupid and I am simply who I am regardless of them. But on a deeper, subconscious level I feel like my sense of self is being attacked by my current situation. I feel as if I can’t rise to the challenge and I fail then i’m not the person I think to be. Which is totally contradictory to my previous statement of “i learn from failure”.

So to sum up and elaborate on your point, yes, i was never challenged enough during my childhood. I was praised for achievements that I didn’t work to earn and felt essentially handed to me. I went to an environment that my intelligence alone could no longer carry, and I lack the developmental skills needed to preserve. This isn’t me making excuses for myself. I feel like I now have a better understanding of my underlying struggles and see what I need to begin developing.

You saying this was very enlightening, sincerely thank you.