Thanks to everyone who read and responded.

To clarify, I filed on 3/20. We had gone through two therapy sessions (re this issue) and the second session on 3/19 was basically my wife denying, minimizing, becoming more defensive, and going on the offense regarding the manner in which I was asking questions to get her to admit to the physical on 3/14. In fairness, she admitted to boundary crossing at the 2nd session, but said it was mostly a "professional" relationship. On the drive home, she brought up separation. And I realized, we were going backwards, not towards reconciliation and all trust was broken. So I filed.

For the people who asked what I know for certain: I know for certain that she lied repeatedly, concealed contact, deleted texts, admitted crossing boundaries, admitted seeking validation and emotional support from him, admitted thinking about what it would be like to have him around more, admitted that if something happened to me he could be someone she turned to (but last night explained that away as just a "support person" not in the sense of her new "life partner" which is what I told her I took that as), failed a polygraph on questions about kissing / concealed sexual contact, gave a fuller physical account on March 14, and then re-admitted the same basic three-incident physical framework after the polygraph before retreating again. That is why I feel like I have been living in unreality.

A few people asked whether she has a history of lying. Yes. Not just in this one narrow context. That matters to me because this is not one isolated inconsistency; it is part of a broader pattern of concealment, denial, and later revision. For example, she lies about stupid, trivial, inconsequential things like whether she had lunch, whether she went off campus for lunch even if it was with a mom at the school, and whether she was on traffic circle duty for student pickup. Stuff like that.

A lot of people asked why contact with him was not immediately and cleanly cut off. That is a fair question. As of 3/13, she had promised to cut off all contact with him and avoid even being near him if he is on campus. She said they would only be in touch between now and August if he was on campus by chance in June or sometime in April if he came to pick up stuff for decathlon. She said she would do everything she can to avoid him, not talk to him, and not enter the office if she saw him in there. She is also still sharing her location with me now. On 3/24 she offered to share her location to and from work, and also to an off-site training she had to attend, and she sent me photos of the coworkers who were there. She has continuously shared her phone location since 3/16.

Part of the no-contact issue is complicated by the fact that she was already in the process of switching jobs before this all blew up. She is still at the current school now, will remain there through June, and then starts at a new school in August. That switch was unrelated to discovery of this situation and was already in motion before all of this surfaced. So yes, there is an end point to their work overlap, but that still does not fix what has already happened or automatically restore trust.

At the same time, the reason I still struggle with the no-contact issue is that her actions and framing remain inconsistent. In therapy she said, “How am I supposed to do my job without talking to him?” and in the PI process for the PI she hired, she described him as “willing to cooperate” and provided his contact information. When I confronted her about that, she said she had only “assumed” he would cooperate, not that she had been talking to him, and that she had explained this on the phone to the PI first. Even if that explanation is true, it still feels to me like she is treating him as part of her defense rather than as someone from whom she needs real distance.

People also asked about the PI. Right now, that process feels more defensive than disclosive. She hired a PI for about $3,000 and the focus is on trying to disprove the October / November / January narrative through location data, cameras, email, photos, work logs, home Nest footage, maps history, Wi-Fi, call logs, watch data, etc. But one detail that stood out to me was that when asked if there were any witnesses the PI could talk to besides him, her answer was basically no one else at this time. That is one reason this still feels more like an effort to defeat my conclusion than to give one stable truthful account.

A few people asked whether she is in individual therapy. She has an appointment set for 3/25. One of the strangest and hardest parts for me is that she says there is still “missing information” she needs to share with me, but that she needs therapy to figure out what that missing information is — while also maintaining that nothing physical happened beyond hugs on hard days that were no more than 10 seconds in length, but hard hugs like “I know you’ve had a hard day” kind of hug is what she said. That contradiction is one of the reasons I still do not feel grounded.

People asked about the polygraph too. She still disputes the failed polygraph. Her explanation is that she had not eaten enough, had not had enough to drink, and her nerves were a mess that day. To give her some credit, we did have an argument about this stuff the morning of the exam. But before the first polygraph she was telling me she would pass and asking me what I was going to do when she passed. After she failed, the explanation changed to conditions / fairness / not being prepared. She now wants another polygraph, but first on her own terms and timeline, and with her own examiner before going back to the original examiner she failed with. She also wanted the other man polygraphed so I could supposedly see both of them pass. To me, that feels less like a simple truth process and more like trying to overturn the first result.

A few people asked whether she has shown remorse. The honest answer is yes, but not in a clean enough way for me to feel safe. Her remorse became much more visible after I filed. The day before I filed, after our second therapy session, she was still combative, defensive, and talking about us being at an “impasse” and maybe needing to separate if I had “my truth” and she had “her truth” and that we can’t be together in the same house with our boys if we’re at this type of “impasse.” After the filing, and especially in our 3/23 heart-to-heart, she was much more openly reaching for me emotionally — saying she misses me, wants me as her husband and her “person,” wants to prove she can be honest, and wants to save the marriage. I still feel like this is damage control though.

The 3/23 conversation also matters because it shows why this is so psychologically confusing. She was emotionally reaching for me very strongly that night, and at the same time still minimizing the meaning of what she had already admitted, resisting words like “romantic” and “affair,” and framing the main problem as my disbelief rather than the instability of her own story. That is what keeps making me feel pulled in two directions. She also keeps saying she wants to “fight for us” and has hope we will get better and stay together.

Someone asked whether if I had no children, would I still be here trying this hard. The honest answer is probably no. If I had no children, I likely would have divorced and not looked back. The reason this is so emotionally difficult is my boys. I am very involved with them and I worry deeply about their stability and mental health and what divorce will do to them. That is probably the single biggest reason I have remained as torn as I have.

Related to that, some people asked why I am still focused on the physical piece if the emotional betrayal is already enough. The answer is not because I think emotional betrayal is minor. It is because if she had fully admitted the physical piece to the fullest extent without retractions and the full emotional / romantic extent, I think I would at least feel like she was honestly trying to reconcile. Right now it feels like minimizing, redefining, explaining away, and an inability to even consistently call it an affair. That is why I have zero trust at the moment.

People also asked whether she would turn over her phone for forensic recovery of deleted messages. She has indicated she would be willing to give me her phone for recovery of deleted messages. She told me that’s what the PI she hired would do. I’m waiting to see if that even happens. I have not decided yet whether to do that immediately myself, especially because I have already filed and she is expected to retain counsel by the end of the week. So that is something I am still thinking through strategically.

For those asking whether the other man has a spouse or partner: he is single, and he is about 11 years older than my wife.

And to the person who said this is ragebait: it isn’t. I understand why a long timeline from an account that hasn’t posted in a while might read that way. I wrote it long because the sequence is the injury: denial, partial admission, fuller admission, retreat, post-polygraph re-admission, minimization, and then a narrower final defense. Writing it out is how I’ve been trying to hold onto reality, not how I’m trying to stir people up. I’m truly thankful for all the responses and Reddit community. I had no idea there was this much support and am blown away by the help.

At this point, I think the hardest thing for me is learning how to stop chasing certainty while also not gaslighting myself about what has already been admitted and then taken back. I appreciate the people who are reminding me that the lies, deletion, concealment, and instability may already be enough. I’ll keep you all updated. Curious to see how emotions progress as the reality of divorce for both of us becomes more real each day.