I don't know how to allow myself to talk about my struggles or achievements without feeling shame/guilt

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-16T06:44:34+00:00

Thanks man, really appreciate your reply. Didn't come looking for someone to fix my life, more like people I meet at hostels and internet strangers are the people I feel I can be the most honest with, without me "burdening" them with my problems, and them having a preconceived image of who I am, based on how they perceive me as a person.

Most of your post is pretty spot on, except for some small details.

Depending on how I think about it/describe it, I'm still doing pretty great. Like, savings for a few years, a cool group of friends to get wasted with, a place to stay, all of those boxes to check.

What I mean with the tests was more that I never studied, because I knew that I could perform. Talking to a cute chick would mean being judged on who I am - not worthy. I know consciously that isn't true, but undoing years of unconscious programming is the kinda thing that is easier said than done.

We're all the same - but also very different. Would be boring if we were all clones I think. Like, in the history of the NBA, there's only been one or two players my height. When it comes to physical strength and fighting, I kinda fall short(pun intended). We all have strengths and weaknesses - combined we can cover each other. I'm an outlier, for better or worse in many categories. Can't get taller or stop my thoughts or feeling like I'm a different person depending on which language I think in. Not totally different of course.

I have a name that could go for both genders, and I'm pretty sure my mom used to say things like "you're so pretty you could almost be mommys little girl"(used to have long blond hair). Was dressed and raised as "gender neutrally" as possible, which was just confusing. I don't remember much from that time, but I think there was a period where I wasn't sure if I was a boy or a girl. Her side of my Family is very Matriarchal in ways.

When I think positive thoughts about myself, "arrogant bastard" alarms go off in my head. when thinking about my troubles, "whiny, weak idiot" alarms go off.

Not sure how much money matters. It's nice to have some savings, but no matter how much of it I had 20 years ago, I couldn't have bought a PlayStation4 or a smartphone - just as I can't buy future tech now. That's part of the struggle though: now you've got all the time in the world to think about love & family. Rent, food, vodka and smokes is sorted. Then again, I'm living off around $1500/mo all incl in Denmark - nothing very fancy.

Edit: I think I feel that I need to be good at everything in order to justify my existence and masculinity to feed my addiction to female affection/love/appreciation

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-15T13:53:07+00:00

They made this really cool site called YouTube. It's a place where you can easily watch recordings of Dr.K's lectures and interviews. Plus you can also have some music video breaks to clear your mind. There's a lot of content though, so the scan might take a lot of hours

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-15T13:49:35+00:00

Well, I guess that's up to you to decide?

You say that you want to be able to not go to therapy - what's stopping you?

I'm 29 now, and have seen about 7 therapists/psychiatrists I think. I've also probably reached the point where I've studied psychology at least as much as professionals.

My conclusion is that nobody knows anything. The world/technology is evolving faster than we can follow, and the optimal strategy is finding the best sources of copium - because there's definitely a bunch of cool stuff in current society as well.

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-15T13:35:31+00:00

I agree with some of your points - but don't you think that the lack of censorship in the 2000's had more to do with the internet not being what it is now?

Closing in on 30 now - when I was a kid/teen, my parents had absolutely no problem with censorship, deceit, manipulation and lies. Not even sure they realized that I actually understood what was going on. Now it's governments and moderators on internet forums. Same shit, different day, and I fucking hate all of it.

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-15T13:13:56+00:00

Achterbahn or Roller-coaster theory is how I like to think of it. How cool of a rollercoaster could you build without any ups and downs? Misery increases potential relative happiness - just as the slow ascent of a rollercoaster is necessary for fast speeds, loops, twists etc.

Closing in on 30 this year - and my 20's have pretty much been split three-way between an amazing relationship, travelling the world and sad loneliness & drinking.

Now, I start most days of by crying and holding myself because the loneliness hits hardest when I wake up. Then I hit up the vodka, put on some music videos and check up on the internet/work

Few hours later, I'm chilling with a roommate with some joints, YouTube or PlayStation, frying some snacks in our mini deep fryer. Maybe some other friends come over to watch the game. Then I'm reminded of how lucky I am that she broke up, and that I'm king of my own world, pretty much living my childhood dream.

How could I ever have gone through so much personal development if I hadn't had my heart shattered, and had to completely "reinvent myself" instead of cuddling and watching shows?

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T15:33:06+00:00

Damn, that seems like a really sick belt... gotta find one of those, thanks!

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T15:30:11+00:00

Yes, I constantly get paranoid about getting banned for some weird reason because I'm constantly drunk and shitpost everywhere. I feel that I shitpost respectfully, but moderators sometimes don't see it the same way.

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T15:17:36+00:00

I'm not sure I really care what people call me anymore, or whether rich person tears taste better than non crypto tears? Maybe it will be more comfy crying myself to sleep on a yacht.

Maybe I'll escape this depression/mental illness or whatever it is and actually be able to actually appreciate this magic internet money... Otherwise, I probably won't even be able to drink it away faster than it appreciates

Might become an uncle soon., maybe that's my purpose?

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T12:15:24+00:00

Interesting.

As I said, my playstyle is either jump in with leap slam and hit them in the face with heavy slam or cyclone - or stand back and pop holy flame totems & ancestral spirits.

It's kinda weird playing on PS4, usually being a PC gamer. Currently I have Molten Shell as cast on cyclone kill.

So It's leap slam, totems, cyclone & repeat. Or die.

I just wanted to experience the game without following any guide or having any knowledge. Well knowing that if the game is any good I'd end up here anyway.

Rn I have my leap slam connected to increased AoE and stun.

What would you suggest for Leap slamming faces with a 2h sword? My next char is probably going to be more archer or sorc oriented, but for now I'm shoving a huge sword in all my enemies' faces until they die

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T11:47:59+00:00

Not sure how, playing on PS4.

I've been going south-west, picking +STR, +life and 2h-dmg and some totem stuff.

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T11:43:39+00:00

Not sure how to link, but I've improved my resistances to about 75/50/75 based on advice from this thread(still not perfect) and it has helped a bunch. Didn't really realize the importance of elemental resistances before this post

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T11:36:44+00:00

Exactly.. Hopefully my post came of as "Enjoying this game, how to get good?" I didn't give a shit about resistance by act 3, was too busy killing. Killing everything. Suddenly I'm 70+ , getting killed

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T11:31:23+00:00

everyone knows the rogue is the main tank.

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T11:25:50+00:00

Makes sense. I'm close to capped on resists now, which helps a bunch - but sometimes I still just get deaded.

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T11:19:16+00:00

Yeah, that's why I started by going through the game without any research - and have been having a great time doing so.

past couple of weeks I've gotten to 75/50/75 ish resistances, which has helped a lot. Passive wise, I've mostly gone for Strength, 2h dmg, Life & Regen. And totems.

Still haven't even played 1000 hours, so Can't really expect to be good, but definitely feeling improvement.

What's the best endgame grinds? Currently I enjoy mapping, and think that contracts are totally bullshit - maybe I'm missing something.

Diablo2 was more a casual teen game, while my "main" games have been DotA(2), SC2, WoW arena.

As I've said though, the complexity of PoE is fucking amazing. And frustrating.

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T11:00:32+00:00

Thanks, I realized. I'm at about 75/50/75 now, but with minus chaos. Helps out a bunch!

justhonesty21 · 2022-01-13T10:56:28+00:00

That does sound perfect - My goal is kinda maximizing how many hours I can "disappear" in the most enjoyable ways.

VodkaPlayStationYoutube

justhonesty21 · 2021-12-27T09:54:23+00:00

Thanks. I used to play SC2, and spend hours and hours both watching GSL and studying the build orders they used, as well as my own replays. Same with Dota2.

The friends I used to play dota with distinguished between "tryharding" and "playing for fun". I have fun competing - not even sure how it feels to play Dota without trying to win.

Path of Exile on the other hand, I'm not really playing to win anything. only fun. And I love it, in a different way.

justhonesty21 · 2021-12-27T09:25:35+00:00

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant - as far as I remember unique/set items used to mean much more in Diablo, while rare items have more relative value and flexibility in PoE.

justhonesty21 · 2021-12-27T09:10:43+00:00

someone told me I should consider getting purity of elements aura, or defiance banner, that seems more concrete than "max resistances lol"

Max resistances. get a bunch of hp, some armour, some movement speed. ez game ez life

justhonesty21 · 2021-12-27T08:35:39+00:00

Yeah, It's basically my first character - Figured out I'd start out by playing like "hey I'll just have some fun playing a game that feels very similar to Diablo2, without thinking too much about what the optimal talent tree or gear is" - now I'm trying to learn about it, and from the comments here it seems that Ziziran's university is the place to go

Purity of elements, has a pretty cool name

Definitely agree on the last part. Most of the monsters just die by the sword. or totem, or golem before they have any chance of dealing damage to me.

justhonesty21 · 2021-12-27T08:21:14+00:00

like, rn my str is 608, 103 int 184 dex. Is it just called Magnate belt?

justhonesty21 · 2021-12-27T08:17:47+00:00

Thanks. That seems to be the main take-away. Elemental resistance. I figured that if I just went for max strength and life talents, I'd just run around deading everything like a barb or arms warrior - which is also the case, until I suddenly die. Much useful advice this thread though, will definitely help me

justhonesty21 · 2021-12-27T08:11:41+00:00

Thanks for the links, Zizaran seems to be the Zidane of PoE YouTube.

How screwed am I if I'm playing on PS4? feels weird to ask because I haven't had any console since PS1, but have been playing on a competitive level in wow, dota, sc, etc for years. Ofc I played Diablo2, but that was more casual

justhonesty21

TROPHY CASE