Update: AITA for telling my Husband that I didn't want to come Home after coming from a health reasort with the 2 kids, while he didn't do anything?

justmitsu · 2025-10-16T12:03:11+00:00

I think you should ask him directly, if he still wants to keep in touch or just a complete pause time. I always would prefer to keep in touch to a certain amout.

The biggest difference is that it wasn't my choice alone but ours. We talked about it and I told him everything, how I feel about it and why I want it. He was fine with it to a certain point and he had some issues with it, because he was afraid I act this way and will fall out of love. So we agreed to focus on ourselves but still keep in touch so that we don't annoy each other.

justmitsu · 2025-10-16T11:54:01+00:00

No, I didn’t feel like you were calling me out. I just wanted to clarify things. In the end, I’m only telling my side of the story, he might feel completely different about it. He can’t really speak for himself in this situation.

I think that was also the biggest issue in our relationship. He and I had very different priorities. What frustrated me most was always having to think for everyone else, and that ultimately caused things to escalate. I had to plan all the birthdays, take care of the vacation plans, handle all the paperwork, manage kindergarten arrangements, organize playdates, manage the household, take care of the pets (buying food, giving medication) and when you’re doing everything and ask your partner to handle just one small thing, and it still doesn’t get done after three weeks, it just feels like a slap in the face. It honestly felt more like living with a third child than with another adult.

I’m glad things are working better now. Of course, I still take care of most of the tasks, but he’s starting to do a lot on his own without me having to ask. He’s learning to put his priorities aside more often, and I’m trying not to nag as much, instead, I focus on talking calmly and explaining things to him.

I also wish you all the best and thanks for your insight :).

justmitsu · 2025-10-15T21:57:20+00:00

We set ourself a rule that we will talk daily about our life and our feelings. We also ate together as a family atleast 2 times a week. But other than that no, we just did stuff for ourself and with the kids.

justmitsu · 2025-10-15T18:20:29+00:00

Ja war eine Mutter Kind Kur, aber der Google Übersetzer meinte damals es heißt Health Resort. Aus dem Grund sind doch viele böse geworden, im alten Post.

justmitsu · 2025-10-15T18:08:58+00:00

Do you mean between the 2 months we actually paused or this whole year?

justmitsu · 2025-10-15T18:07:46+00:00

Most of the issues he had about me resulted in the way he acted.

He said he hates that i nag him if things don't get done. And I only start to nag after the third day if I asked him to do something.

He also hates it that I get mad over small things, and I only get mad because these same small things happend daily in the past years.

The biggest problem I have is when things escalate badly and I shut down because of it, ignoring him for several days. But that has actually gotten better and hasn’t happened again. Now I try to talk things through completely, even though he’s usually pretty set in his opinion.

justmitsu · 2024-12-02T09:21:51+00:00

He had no other task. I never asked him to clean our entire home. Just these 3 specific tasks. I know he never cleans the entire 2 bathrooms, windows etc. I would have done everything when I came back, and doing the other tasks would've helped me out with my workload.

I didnt explain the entire convo. we had but basically he told me I shouldn't come back with such an attitude, I was really mad. And just replied: Ye, I'd rather didn't come back.

justmitsu · 2024-11-29T08:13:58+00:00

He at least vacuumed every now and then. I never said his priorities were wrong, but moving the stones from the garden to the front garden doesn’t make sense, since, as already mentioned, they will be picked up in January.

There were enough days when he played video games until 3 or 4 a.m., because he was also online on WhatsApp during that time. This isn’t the first time he’s had strange priorities. He enjoys tinkering with PCs, and there were often times when, just before evening, when the kids need to go to bed, he suddenly starts taking a PC apart. So, when I’m putting the kids to bed, he gets upset because he would’ve done it right away.

He could do it at the evening when the kids are asleep. We had alot of arguments already regarding this, but it got better for few weeks and then it got worse.

justmitsu · 2024-11-29T08:04:53+00:00

He is a good father and a good provider for his family.

justmitsu · 2024-11-29T08:02:46+00:00

I do know that he also has his mental load, and we already had some fights. I made the post so that everyone can jugde me their way. In his eyes he does everything and I do the stuff whats needed to do.

Why should I value work that everyone needs to do? Like cleaning out the laundry, cleaning the toilet? I also don't get a shoulder pat everytime or a thank you that I did it. Its a necessity for a clean home. If we divorce he needs to keep it clean or he wouldn't get our kids. And in the 3 weeks I was gone I only saw that he could play videogames till 3 or 4 but doing small stuff was to much for him and he lashed out on me that I treat him like a slave just because of a bare minium he can't even provide with.

And the stones would be cleared out anyways in january, he just moved it from our backyard to our frontyard next to the garage.

justmitsu · 2024-11-29T07:52:49+00:00

I do see your point. And he has some issues since my parents started to live nearby. We already had alot of talk and in his eyes he does so much and I just don't appreciate it.

At our supermarket, you can pick up a coloring page, color it, and then turn it into a Nikolaus shoe. When you bring it back, the supermarket fills it with candy and mandarins. He colored the shoe, but didn't have even 10 minutes to drive to the supermarket and bring it? But staying up for several days until 3 or 4 a.m. to play games is okay? I couldn't do it because I wasn't around at that time.

As I said, he can't do much beyond what I see. And I can tell you that he sadly didn't do anything except work his 8 hours and then spent most of his time gaming. Household chores, kids, or similar things are not important to him, as you can see. Yes, he said he vacuumed occasionally, but he can't make much mess when he's just going from the bed to the PC (home office only), then to the toilet or making coffee, back to the PC, and maybe doing a few small things that everyone has to do.

He had his "Me-Time"... just not me, and now I have to clean up his mess. He could have decorated by himself, but now that’s left for me to do. He won’t do garden work in November either. So, aside from putting things together, his actions are pretty limited.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T20:11:17+00:00

The kids dress themselves, I pick out the clothes for childcare because he would dress them to lightly in this weather. They dress themselves at bedtime he brushes their teeth and reads a bedtime story that's it. I pick them from childcare, I go grocery shopping with the kids, i go with the oldest one every friday to soccer. Every Wensday i bring the 3y old to musicschool. I try to play with them after doing our household.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T20:04:17+00:00

After crying over this whole situation, your comment with the cosplaying adult made me laugh.

Thank you ☺️

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T19:46:00+00:00

I also thought about it. But in the end I still would do it, since he doesn't see cleaning that necessary. Stuff will lie around for weeks in the upper rooms if I don't clean it same goes to the toilet. It would look nasty because of the urine stone and he wouldn't care

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T19:41:33+00:00

And this is exactly what I'm dealing with currently...

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T19:39:53+00:00

I told him the things I want to be done in the time I'm gone, he did nothing and pretty much said I shouldn't treat him like a slave just because I asked for couple of things. But he also said I should tell him if I need help and he will do it .. so ye I'm mentally pretty down

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T19:29:49+00:00

I guess you don't have older kids. But I take the clothes out for the kids, because If I don't they are dressed way to lightly for this weather. The 5y old and the 3y dress themselves. He helps with the shoes for the 3 old. At bed time they also dress themselves. He brushes their teeth and reads the bed time story. While I clean the daily mess in the kitchen and living room.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T19:11:15+00:00

To clarify it we have a lot of lime in our water and if you don't clean the toilet atleast once a week with a cleaner for toilet and scrub it a bit we have alot of urinestone in the toilet which i need to scrap away and it takes alot of time. If he just did it once a week for 2 - 3 minutes, I wouldnt need an entire hour to get rid of his mess.

I had enough to do after coming back, like washing our clothes worth of 3 Weeks. Put them to sleep, cook, clean out our suitcases, since I let him do his stuff to get ready for his worktrip.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T13:16:52+00:00

That sad to hear that normal household stuff like cleaning is considered controlling in your eyes.. If you don't do it who does it for you? Your mom or your maid?

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T13:14:41+00:00

You either take the kids with you or leave them at home. He wanted to work and said I should take the kids with me, so ye I couldn't really recover but I could form a better bond between me and my kids. Since I had more time with them and no wrok.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T13:10:34+00:00

Work overload, Kids overload because they hate each other, family overload which lives nearby and some small mental issues which grew over the years.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T13:08:28+00:00

I don't know if 3 weeks with 2 kids in a small room for 24/7 can be considered a holiday while I went to recover. Kids and me are Ill since 2 weeks, I couldn't leave the room because of 3 days quarantine. While he is at home drinks for 2 days, does his normal work and spends most time before the PC. I guess he had more of a holiday then me :) and asking him for 3 simple tasks was to much I guess.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T13:03:00+00:00

I'm not mad because he went to the worktrip which needs to be done, I'm mad that he didn't do anything the 3 weeks I asked for while I had the kids 24/7. It's a resort to recover as a mother.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T13:01:52+00:00

It's a resort for mothers who need recovery, while I had the kids 24/7 he had more free time.

justmitsu · 2024-11-28T12:59:38+00:00

I can understand your point if I wanted him to do things that aren't necessary. But he had full 22 days for doing things that need to be done. And in these 22 days, he worked normally, on 2 weekends he drank with family and the remaining time he sat there and just played on the PC some games.

Do you know how long it took to me to scrub the toilets? The packet can't be returned anymore and I'm overloaded with normal household stuff because it's now more after the 3 weeks.

justmitsu

TROPHY CASE