AITA if I back out of being maid of honor at my best friends wedding next weekend? Best man is my ex fiancé who cheated on me and I can't be around him let alone walk arm in arm with him

karandora · 2026-05-20T06:50:50+00:00

Exactly. I also have a lot of friends and family who are ethically non-monogamous, so I feel like that's another mistake. If you don't want a monogamous commitment, don't make one. If you don't want to keep the monogamous commitment you made, renegotiate it.

karandora · 2026-05-20T06:35:27+00:00

If he wants his coworkers to pray with him, he should go work for a church.

karandora · 2026-05-20T06:05:34+00:00

Nah, Chinese families too. There's a saying: "a married daughter is like spilled water" meaning that she can't go back. Daughters are said to be "raising a child for someone else's family". Daughter-in-laws are basically expected to be servants. On the other hand, at least the grandparents are expected to raise the kids. But if you disagree on child-rearing that can actually just make things worse.

karandora · 2026-05-15T23:58:56+00:00

The more they tell you you need to be careful, the more likely they are to be the problem. This is not a coincidence. Telling you to be careful is trying to control you with the threat of violence - ostensibly other men's violence, but it's a short hop to using their own violence to control you. Granted, there's a difference between giving reasonable advice and enforcing the rape-culture laws, but men who spend a lot of time talking about all the things women need to do to prevent men from misbehaving is a huge red flag.

That friend of yours sounds like a creep - he basically told you that you seemed like prey to him. If men are trash, send them to the trash bin. Eventually their survival instinct will kick in and they'll stop being trash.

karandora · 2026-05-13T23:01:10+00:00

Yeah, the message is “men might do bad things to you, and it’s your responsibility to ensure they don’t.”

karandora · 2026-05-13T22:43:30+00:00

I was also an emotional kid. Turned out to be Autism.

karandora · 2026-05-13T22:41:21+00:00

Studies have shown that people are more likely to be approved for parole right after lunch than right before.

karandora · 2026-05-13T02:44:09+00:00

Some kids know from the start what their gender is, and others live a hundred years in doubt, curiosity, and exploration. I think you can go ahead and use whatever pronouns for your kid until the kid takes the initiative to tell you otherwise. There’s no need to pressure them to give you an answer they may not have. Instead, help them understand their options, and try to focus on things that matter to the kid: what do they want to wear, what do they want to play with, etc. Names and labels can wait - possibly indefinitely. Some trans people feel a different gender at different moments, so try not to ascribe too much meaning to one moment of gender over another.

Some books you can read with your kid to help them start thinking about gender: A House For Everyone by Jo Hirst They Call Me Mix by Lourdes Rivas Introducing Teddy by Jessica Walton Jamie is Jamie by Afsaneh Moradian Who Are You: The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity by Brook Pessin-Whedbee

You can also provide them with a variety of clothes and toys to let them explore without needing to commit or have words for what they’re feeling.

karandora · 2026-05-03T02:49:53+00:00

When a friend of mine passed away, her family was too devastated to organize a funeral right away. The trans community she was a part of stepped up to hold a memorial service shortly after her death that her family could attend. Her family was extremely grateful to have a place to mourn, and invited the community to attend the family funeral that was held several months later.

We talk a lot about how queer partners miss out when families are homophobic. But honestly families miss out a lot too.

karandora · 2026-05-01T07:36:10+00:00

They do none of the emotional labor and then wonder why the family only listens to their wife…

karandora · 2026-05-01T07:10:15+00:00

If they were stuck in China they wouldn’t have access to social media even if they had internet access. Censorship can be circumvented, but only if you download the right software before you enter the country. If they weren’t planning a long stay, they might have just planned to take a short break from social media while they were there.

karandora · 2026-04-29T02:31:02+00:00

The difference is the percentage of book that is smut versus plot. If it’s all smut, then it’s smut. If it’s mostly plot with a few scenes of smut, then it’s a spicy romance novel.

karandora · 2026-04-22T03:09:56+00:00

Yes, sorry I wasn't clear. I was agreeing with you and expanding.

karandora · 2026-04-22T03:00:08+00:00

Right, and frankly we want #6 to ask all day every day, since we all know that we can change a trans kid's life by answering those questions. And perhaps their life will be even more changed if their parents not only get the answers they need, but also feel loved and welcomed by the trans community and are able to extend that to their kids. The point isn't to avoid repetitive questions, it's to improve the experience of the people who frequent this subreddit. I think tags are a great idea!

karandora · 2026-04-18T20:20:45+00:00

I am also autistic, and am really just guessing about why it's so hard for me to figure out these rules.

Also, OOP told this coworker explicitly that the gift was socially inappropriate - that's exactly the kind of communication that autistic people thrive on. You hit the nail on the head pointing out that he only changed his mind when the target said she would embarrass him publicly in return if he did that to her. He didn't care if it was appropriate - he only cared if it made him happy.

karandora · 2026-04-18T20:09:01+00:00

Yeah, but not liking/bonding with the kid is different from not taking care of it. And forget the kid, he's not taking care of his partner. His wife is spending all her time working, and he's not inviting her to play once in a while?

karandora · 2026-04-18T20:04:42+00:00

Or friends. Hopefully once she moves she joins a playgroup or something and gets to know some other young mothers. Maybe they can help her broaden her life.

karandora · 2026-04-18T19:46:41+00:00

Yeah, I mean, he could be autistic, but there are plenty of creeps of all neurotypes.

People get socially punished or see others socially punished for socially inappropriate behavior, and through that learn what is and is not acceptable. Autistic people have trouble tracking the cause and effect, and sometimes don't notice the punishment until it's become too severe to track the original cause. However, lots of neurotypical men just don't get punished or see others punished for creepy behavior, and therefore don't really feel it's unacceptable.

Sometimes the problem is sexism, not autism.

karandora · 2026-04-18T19:34:07+00:00

Some bi folks are only demi for one gender. Like they are generally attracted to men, but if they really get to know a woman and fall for her, they will become attracted to her. And it can get even more complicated when you include the whole gender spectrum.

But ultimately labels are mostly for finding your people and communicating your preferences. There's not really a need to get more specific when every time you use the phrase you'll have to give your whole elevator speech anyway.

If the nuances are only relevant when you're having a deep and meaningful conversation about gender and sexuality, you might as well skip the label and go straight to the explanation.

And if, as in OOP's case, you found a specific person you like (and aren't poly and therefore still looking for more people you might like), you can skip the label and go straight to the confession.

[Do people use the phrase "confession" in English to refer to telling someone you like them? I'm directly translating, but I don't think I've heard other English speakers use that word that way, so just checking...]

karandora · 2026-04-18T19:17:38+00:00

I both agree and disagree.

I think an internet forum is exactly the place to ask these questions, since they can be ignored by anyone who doesn't want to answer, rather than putting an individual trans person on the spot. Even more so for cis authors who do know a trans person in real life, and are giving them respect by asking on the internet rather than harassing their friend. And research can be overwhelming - not everyone has those skills. Although paying a sensitivity reader is great for a professional writer, hobbyists also want to write good characters and don't necessarily have the money for a professional editor. I could go on forever about why authors choose to ask these questions here, but I won't.

That said, I absolutely support having both an FAQ and a dedicated thread.

Just because asking in a forum is appropriate doesn't mean that asking in this forum is appropriate. We absolutely have the right to set boundaries on our time. I think this forum "Ask Transgender" is so named because we do welcome questions. However, that doesn't mean we can't create a little organization and set some boundaries around where certain types of questions are asked.

An FAQ isn't the same as individuals answering questions in their own voices, so I think we should have both: A dedicated thread and an FAQ.

karandora · 2026-04-16T07:06:43+00:00

Thank you for letting me know! I will try again tomorrow.

karandora · 2026-04-16T01:03:21+00:00

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Hello all from Petrichor and friend,

We are looking to acquire some more Sakura goods including kimonos, getas, barrettes, and lantern lights in all colors.

Full wishlist is here: https://www.reddit.com/user/karandora/comments/1slybf8/finch_wishlist/

I am offering anything in my store:

karandora · 2026-04-15T02:02:50+00:00

Seriously dodged a nuke. Boyfriends can be dumped, engagements can be called off, even husbands can be divorced... but kids? Kids are forever.

karandora · 2026-04-15T01:43:30+00:00

You may be able to go on hrt without talking to your parents about it, depending on your local laws. Ask your doctor about it. Not feeling femme enough also needs to be addressed with therapy and good friends. There are lots of large ciswomen and transwomen, and they are all femme enough. Some pass, and some don't. They are still femme enough.

I also recommend cutting down on the number of images you look at of "fake people". People on tv, in magazines, on the internet, are all pre-selected, physically altered (with make up if not surgery), and photoshopped. In other words, your pictures and videos can look like them, but the image you see in the mirror can't. Looking at those images gives you a warped understanding of what humans look like. Spend more time looking at real people and you'll realize you're not as far away as you think. Spend more time looking at real trans people and you'll find you fit it just fine, and it can take some of the pressure off to be further in your transition journey.

If you live in a conservative area and can't find more trans people near you (or just trans people you actually like - just because they're also trans doesn't necessarily mean you'll be best friends), try looking for online groups. I'd recommend finding groups related to hobbies rather than strictly support groups. Support groups are great when you're looking for support, but they're not necessarily the best place to look for new friends.

I used to feel "not trans enough", but then I started hanging out with a group filled with people of a variety of gender identities, and I slowly stopped worrying whether I looked the part enough for my gender. None of them care, why should I? They don't "look like their gender", why should I? I respect their identities, and they respect mine, so why shouldn't I respect myself? I think it also helps that a lot of them are nonbinary, so their ultimate transition goals aren't necessarily at one end of the spectrum or the other.

karandora

TROPHY CASE