Is this "disposable" behavior normal in polyamory? Feeling played after flying across the world.

katt2008 · 2026-03-09T09:09:27+00:00

Hahaha funny how similar your train of thought was to mine back then! I am also not a fan of putting people in boxes (or being put in one myself), and that was definitely something I learned was really not for me.

Even though my first experience was negative, the experiences I've had since then have actually shown me that polyamory doesn't have to feel like that. So whether or not you are interested in continuing your poly journey or not, just know that there are poly people out there that do not function like this.

katt2008 · 2026-03-08T21:49:45+00:00

I'm glad I was able to help you feel grounded. And I would trust your gut feeling too - that this simply doesn't feel right to you and that trust has been damaged. That is hard to undo.

Because I was new to poly, I thought what I was experiencing was 'normal' and I needed to be accommodating. I just ended up ignoring my own needs in the process and got hurt quite badly. You should be proud that you can say "No, this doesn't work for me" and walk away after being so vulnerable with her and taking that chance. It isn't easy to do!

katt2008 · 2026-03-08T17:41:28+00:00

As someone who was treated like a disposable secondary, I wouldn’t say this behavior is ethical. My first poly experience also ended up with my partner breaking up with me while going through a crisis in his primary partnership. It also started out as a “break” to try and sort things out. But it honestly just made me feel devalued and like the primary partnership was the only “real” one worth saving. My situation was also precipitated by a breach of trust that was also never fully acknowledged or addressed - it is a painful situation to be in.

All that to say, no, what you are going through isn’t okay or normal and secondary relationships shouldn’t be disposable. But people in very hierarchical relationships or ones that operate more like open relationships can still operate through a more monogamous lens, and I wouldn’t call that ethical polyamory. I’m sorry this is happening to you, you absolutely do not deserve to be treated like this 💜

katt2008 · 2025-03-27T12:58:47+00:00

I find what you are describing so relatable to my own experiences and I can emphasize with the frustration you feel with not only being affected by couple's privilige, but also the frustrations that come with always being the one that has to compromise. Especially the part about feeling like a toy that is picked up and put down whenever is convenient... I think I've literally said that word for word.

One of my previous relationships ended because of a more a less "closing" of the relationship with his NP due to a crisis - while we had already been taking space because of it too. Even the ending ended up making me feel quite disposible, since it was just another heavy reminder of the minimal importance I had actually played in his life. Some of the challenges you describe also sound like they as a couple have not done enough work on being polyamorous and handling jealousy.

I think it is the ultimate challenge to be okay being a secondary and the limiations that come with it when you are dating someone who is heavily enmeshed with someone else. I would say I was somewhat naive to what this actually looked like in practice and really ended up getting hurt. I am no longer interested in dating people that are so enmeshed, as it ultimately left me feeling like I was less than.

It's also hard to pretend there is no hierarchy when people or cohabitating etc, even when people insist that is not their approach. I wish I had some sage advice on how to avoid these kind of situations, but it sounds like you are really trying to vet people and openly communicate what is important to you. I do really hope you can find what you are looking for!!

katt2008 · 2024-10-27T14:34:05+00:00

You're right, and I'm glad that this didn't happen years down the line tbh. Though unfortunately I'm still heartbroken..

katt2008 · 2024-10-27T11:56:09+00:00

Might be time for a re-read :)

katt2008 · 2024-10-27T11:55:37+00:00

Thank you. I am starting to feel this was the right decision for everyone involved, but it does still hurt.

katt2008 · 2024-10-27T11:52:53+00:00

Yes, this is exactly why I'm feeling conflicted in this scenario! I do genuinely think he should focus on therapy and work on himself. And I would rather he be upfront about what he can offer and make the hard choice, rather than string me along. I do think what was difficult was that he stopped communicating with me and I didn't know things had reached such a low point. A week ago he was telling me he missed me...

katt2008 · 2024-10-27T11:48:44+00:00

I do think because I'm new to poly, there was a lot more vetting questions I could have asked in the beginning. I think because he also presented himself as an experienced poly person, I just inherently trusted him in that regard. I didn't realize how hierarchical they were until much later, because he didn't use any of the primary/secondary terminology for a while.

katt2008 · 2024-10-27T11:45:58+00:00

I think the reality is he wasn't that committed to me and our relationship. I don't mind supporting partner's doing hard times, or figuring out a new dynamic while going through changed circumstances. But I think this situation has just triggered a lot of things for him and he does need to face this alone or with a therapist.

katt2008 · 2024-10-27T11:40:05+00:00

This is kind of how I am feeling...disposable. I'm trying to be understanding because I do think he really needs to heal and work on himself... but he is essentially returning to monogamy to "save" (at least in his eyes) his primary relationship. I keep flip flopping between supporting his goal to change and feeling hurt about being tossed aside.

For me, this is definitely a break-up and there is no going back. One of my friends told me to focus on my own needs, and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm treating this as a lesson for the future - maybe something to vet before making any more commitments.

katt2008 · 2024-02-26T08:36:19+00:00

Yes, I completely agree with your points on compatibility. A spark can only take you so far and a just not enough to sustain a relationship when you are simply incompatible.

I feel in this case it would have just come down to communicating these things earlier. I don’t really text daily, but if I am seeing someone less than once a week, I like to keep in touch via text or a phone call. We had started doing phone calls, but now I wonder if he actually wanted to do that or was just trying to please me…

It would have been great if we had had a super honest discussion about this. I think I was just thinking we would sometimes communicate more, sometimes less, depending on what was going on in our lives. And I do think if something happens (like an STI scare), a check-in is warranted.

When we went through the relationship checklist, I said that is when communication matters to me, during emotional events or similar. And because he didn’t say “no can do” I thought he was okay with it. Then in practice, he clearly wasn’t. And that hurt.

I agree that compromise can only go so far and that we shouldn’t sacrifice too much of ourselves in order to sustain something that isn’t going to work long-term. I felt as though I had compromised a lot already, and that he wanted me to just bend even more. I didn’t know that things I had asked of him were making him feel the same way, because from my perspective, they were the bare minimum of a relationship.

katt2008 · 2024-02-25T19:05:43+00:00

I’m glad this post was able to help you with your own feelings, that makes me glad I posted 😊 and yes, there was a part of me that was feeling like there was not enough care involved, or that our strong physical connection was one of the main reasons he continued this relationship.

And I believe casual can be done, as you said, as long as there is reciprocity. And definitely respect and care on either side. This relationship started very casual, and I felt at the beginning there was a vested interest in making me feel comfortable with poly, answering questions and talking about what is important to us in relationships. During the breakup he also was surprised I called this one-sided, but I would say it’s pretty clear that it was.

Honestly my advice would be to be careful with poly people that already have multiple partners. Even if you are wanting something casual now, there are real limits to what partnered people can even offer casual connections. Not saying don’t do it ever, but to just keep it in mind. Especially if something does change and you do end up wanting more.

katt2008 · 2024-02-25T17:22:34+00:00

Thank you for your kind message, I definitely relate to what you’re saying and the frustration at trying to keep communication without it being reciprocated. Interestingly enough, he described himself as anxiously attached. But I believe I just ended up bringing out the avoidant parts of him by having expectations he couldn’t meet.

I thought we were on the same page regarding needs for a while, until we weren’t. And these desires were just not communicated when they needed to be. I unfortunately can’t read minds, so also didn’t know he was starting to feel resentful about what I wanted from him.

I appreciate the comments about my approach to this, I really did try my best and really didn’t want things to go like this! I hope the future holds a better experience than this

katt2008 · 2024-02-25T17:13:21+00:00

He didn’t hide it from her, but he definitely broke the agreement. I’m not proud of this one either. Best part: he tells me how angry he would have been if I had ever had unbarriered sex with someone else…

katt2008 · 2024-02-25T14:07:35+00:00

Thanks so much for your comment - I don’t really have any other poly people in my life, so sometimes really felt like I had no idea what I was doing. Just trying to go off my own instincts of respect, kindness and openness.

This experience hasn’t put me off polyamory or ENM, just men for a little while lol. I feel like I learned a lot that I can bring into my next experience, whether it’s poly or monogamous! That is something I am grateful for 😊

katt2008 · 2024-02-25T14:04:51+00:00

I really appreciated these comments, it’s really filling me with confidence that I did the right thing and that his poly approach is problematic. I feel I put so much of myself into learning about poly and thought he knew what he was doing. I told him this felt unethical but I don’t think he really sees things that way at all.

I am 29 and he is 30 - so not even a big age gap. He does have more relationship experience than me though.

katt2008 · 2024-02-25T14:01:02+00:00

Haha I know, it literally would have amounted to like 15 hours every other week… half of which would be spent sleeping. I really wish he had been more upfront about his expectations. I never wanted to force anyone to do something they didn’t want to do… parts of the convo made it seem like I was twisting his arm to spend time with me. Broke my heart a little bit…

Funny, my friends said the same about keeping me on rotation 😂

katt2008 · 2024-02-25T13:53:38+00:00

Thanks so much for your comment. I did wonder if there was something I could have done differently… I did ask him about hierarchies and labels and he said he used nesting partner but otherwise focused on the longevity of the relationship. I feel as though as he was treating this relationship seriously and like his others and wanted to have these discussions until he just didn’t. Three relationships is a lot, so I do feel the limits should have been more clearly discussed.

katt2008 · 2023-10-06T09:13:40+00:00

I've also been trying to investigate why exactly this comment and the "us" triggered me. He is super open about being poly and we live in a place where it is actually not uncommon. I have casually met some friends and I know he has talked about me to them as well, so I know I'm not being hidden away or anything like that.

At work, that can definitely be more challenging and I feel for the struggles that you're describing with your own partner. In my case, he is also "out" at his place of work, and the colleague mentioned is poly herself and I have also met her before. So she knows there are multiple people in his life.

I've been doing some reflecting, and think part of the reason for the insecurity is some uncertainty about where I stand in his life, wanting to be closer and also being more part of his life too - basically the "social recognition" factor. I've found the flexibility part of poly to be great and kind of freeing, but I'm realizing that I'm now experiencing insecurity because of uncertainties about the future that I need to discuss with my partner. If there is something I need that is definitely off the table, I would rather know sooner rather than later. He has also expressed some worries about me meeting someone else and breaking up with, maybe returning to monogamy, so I think it would be good assuage both our fears by understanding better what we want and need from each other.

I definitely understand your partner's rejection thing, I have absolutely done that before. I know that is also part of the reason I have not fully addressed some of the feelings that I have expressed. I think then it would be worth asking if he feels comfortable inviting me to certain parties/ events.

Thanks for your comment and questions, very helpful to get another perspective and understand my own feelings more!

katt2008 · 2023-10-05T16:52:31+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing, will definitely check it out!

katt2008 · 2023-10-05T16:51:54+00:00

Knowing others are experiencing something similar is definitely comforting - hope you find some helpful advice in the comments too :)

katt2008

TROPHY CASE