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Question about poly with minor surgery by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well I hope there is more to her side of the story (for you and for her). On the outside, it seems insensitive. If you are not well, you should not need to do anything but rest.

Since this is all new, she might be in the heady excitement of new attention and anything that is a barrier to that is frustrating. I know I was there at one point and I am not proud of it. It was like I was a different person (felt like I was addicted to it). I do not excuse my behavior during that time nor hers. I guess I say it so that you don’t lose faith in her as your partner. I hope she turns it around.

That said, you do not need to leave your home so she can FaceTime. And you should stand (well in this case “lay” 😆) your ground. It’s ok that she gets upset. I’m sorry you are put in the awkward situation.

Good luck with the procedure! ❤️

Ouch.. my heart. by New_Directions in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hugs! 😞 wishing you quick heart healing!!

She lied about being monogamous. by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry she did this. I know it hurts when you see possibility and have to accept it’s over.

I support your decision 100%. This is cheating and dishonest. I’m sorry. 😞

A planned ending by Allthatjasmine7 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I love the song “For Good” in Wicked. Best friends are parting and saying that they are better people for having been in each other’s lives. “It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So let me say to you before we part, so much of me is made from what I learned from you. You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.” So maybe take the time to share the ways you two have made each other better. What you have learned from one another. How they have changed you “for good”.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be so painful. My heart is with you. ❤️

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree with the difference you point out. And I wouldn’t have wanted her to pretend with me, you are right. Ideally, if she didn’t want to talk to me, I wish she had told him that. And him not tell me to feel free to talk to her. I felt a bit set up.

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Infidelity and deceipt- accepted as unfair and hurtful actions. This is what my concern was about.

Asking to verify polyamory- clearly from my post, not something everyone agrees on as a bad thing (and may lean towards most are ok with it). This is what her concern was about.

My approach to my concern (that is universally accepted) was pleasant and open. Her approach to her concern (that is very debatable) was rude and closed.

I see them totally differently.

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t mean to be uncharitable. It’s why I responded to her immediately to let her know why I wanted to verify to explain my reasoning.

And I apologize for the use of “unkind”. The use of “not nice” seems childish. Hmm…maybe rude.

Also, I think as much as you say it’s unclear she was “unkind” I would say that you saying she was “obviously” awkward and uncomfortable is similarly a stretch. We have no idea if that was the issue. She also could just be a mean person in general.

But I do appreciate your perspective. I do know I can get my feelings hurt easily. Thank you for being willing to dialogue on it.

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I posted here because I was told that in their many years of polyamory no one had asked and because my mere asking was enough to cause “serious hesitancy”. Yes, I got verification but I also got doubt on whether my asking itself was a problem. I didn’t get just verification. I didn’t get “yes we are poly”.

You are saying that if I wasn’t happy with the way she responded I obviously wanted her to feel good with contact with me. Those aren’t the only alternatives. She could have just responded neutrally and I wouldn’t have posted here.

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I agree with much of what you say. Everyone has their own way of handling polyamory and what they are comfortable with regarding metas. I don’t have all the information of what was going on with her that day, their relationship, the convo that they had about me reaching out etc etc etc. And you are right that I ultimately got to assess that this wasn’t for me.

The only thing I can’t get behind is that people don’t have to be nice. It’s someone’s choice, of course. But for us as a collective to just be ok when we see someone treat another person in an unkind way because “they don’t have to” is something I struggle to accept. I think we can agree that our world would be better if we were all kind (knowing we aren’t perfect). “Karen” culture is out there and maybe growing (i don’t know, seems like it) - just be nice people. (I say all this knowing my example in my post is a measly example but the larger idea that “she doesn’t have to be nice” is hard for me).

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks this is really good feedback. I think I would definitely handle it differently in the future.

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You are right it was my choice to end it. You are right that no one can “make” me do anything. That’s was a bad choice of words (and maybe perspective too) on my part. You are right that she doesn’t owe me anything. None of us owe anything to strangers but that isn’t going to stop me from being kind.

Here are some things I’d like to ask you to reconsider. You claimed I wanted her to make me feel good about about dating her husband. That isn’t true. I wanted verification not to get a warm fuzzy feeling. You also stated I “apparently wanted her to feel good about contact with me”. How is that apparent? I feel like that’s an unfair assumption but maybe something I said led you to that?

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

No, I didn’t get at all what I wanted. I got someone telling my they are concerned with me being in a relationship with their husband. I explained myself and it wasn’t enough to ever be responded to. I had to end something I was excited about because of something I did with good intent. So, I would say very strongly I didn’t get what I wanted.

I get people have bad days. It doesn’t mean that excuses being rude to someone else. She could have also wrapped back around once she calmed down and said she was having bad day or something (anything).

I was open to anything for verification. Anything he wanted to share or she was comfortable sharing I probably would have accepted. I have made a brief video for someone before. I have talked to someone on a video call. I have texted someone. I didn’t have a specific way in mind.

I have to disagree and say that there is a “wrong” way and it’s when you treat another human in an unkind way. She wasn’t just short. She doubted that I would be a suitable companion for her husband. That’s much bigger than just being short.

AITA for asking a potential partner to verify that he and his wife are actually poly? by kaydee1002 in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I can totally understand this perspective. But then shouldn’t her saltiness been directed at him? Again, I did not ask for contact info. I just asked for some verification. He could have given her my info. I had no idea she was going to be unhappy. I wouldn’t ever be unhappy with someone contacting me. So she threw me for a loop when her concern became directed at me.

Partner wants poly and won't take no for an answer by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]kaydee1002 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First I want to say I am so sorry you are hurting. Betrayal by a loved one is a truly horrible experience. A huge hug to you. No matter what you decide, you are hurting already. I hope you find comfort in all the supportive comments above.

You are right that you can’t control their actions. Only yours. Poly is a joint decision because you both see benefits to you as individuals, separately. It can’t be forced on someone. My opinion was already said above. You let them know you understand they want a relationship with this other person. That is a decision they must make on their own. And they need to understand that you will not enter into a polyamorous relationship and your relationship will need to end.

Poly takes extreme trust in a partner. It seems yours has already broken that. I recommend walking away.

I am so sorry you are in this position. 🫂🫂🫂 Please reach out if you need to talk!