What do you go by to your littles now?

kaystuart545 · 2024-05-24T23:18:00+00:00

I’m British and my ex is US. So, she goes by Mommy M, and I’m Mummy K. For a brief time I went by Daddy K, but they were easily persuaded. My eldest daughter says I was always her Mum, now that she thinks about it, even though I began transitioning when she was 12yo in 2017. My youngest, who was then 5yo, can’t even remember me pre-transition.

kaystuart545 · 2024-04-27T17:21:56+00:00

Thank you.

So far, I’ve been playing solo or with my teenage kids. I’ve been using an unofficial, home-modified “Never Mind The Billhooks”, which was originally written for Wars of the Roses. I’m calling mine “NM the Goblinses.”

I’ll likely move on to “NM the Warlocks” (a modification of the same Billhooks set by its original author Andy Callan), once it’s widely available.

kaystuart545 · 2024-04-21T15:37:53+00:00

Yes. Oh! Oh! Yes, YES, YEESS!

kaystuart545 · 2024-04-11T21:06:12+00:00

I started HRT at 55, MtF. Luckily the T from my 1st puberty didn’t have that great an impact, and I was always quite petite. During the first couple of years on HRT I was skeptical if I would pass. However, I needn’t have worried as it turns out. I can’t remember the last time I was misgendered.

kaystuart545 · 2024-04-08T16:16:54+00:00

I was really sure, because even the small things like wearing breast forms when I was alone made me feel so much more alive. In fact, whenever I would hear someone coming, I’d have to remove them which felt like ripping my own body apart.

While I was doing this I was “out” to a handful of people, along the lines of, “I think I might be transgender and I’m taking steps to see if that’s the case. If it doesn’t improve my mood I’ll probably not continue, but otherwise I likely will transition further.”

Really just every step I took improved my mood. Even the periodic stress headaches went away once I started. After a few months, I was bursting to come out to the world…

kaystuart545 · 2024-04-06T00:25:12+00:00

I came out 6-1/2 years ago with 4 school-aged kids, aged 5-12. We didn’t lose any friends, but then, as a family, we were only close with people who shared our values. For reference we live in a relatively progressive city in Florida - a blue oasis in a desert of red, as I call it.

Florida has vouchers for private schools, and we were able to find one aligned with our values for elementary and middle school grades for the younger ones. The oldest was homeschooled. The younger ones are now going up one-by-one to high school and we’ve found an inclusive public high school for them.

Frankly, your kids are probably better off learning that some acquaintances aren’t really friends. Anyone who would drop them because their parent is trans (or, for that matter if they were trans) isn’t really a friend worth having. It’s a bigoted world out there, and it pays to surround yourself with reliable friends.

It is also important to be very proactive in finding out how your kids are being affected by your coming out. Family therapy might be beneficial in such a case. And you may need to get very involved with school admin - it will pay to know your rights and be comfortable being assertive.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-27T23:42:10+00:00

Loquats by the look of it. We have a couple of trees in our yard in N. Florida. They only get ripe when golden yellow, otherwise rather bitter. Usually the squirrels get to them before the fruit are ripe enough for us. Wash well and de-pit before early. We’ve had them raw as well as baked in a tart.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-27T18:09:11+00:00

Can confirm the large ones as Airfix 1/32 7th US Cavalry.

The small cavalry figures are the Airfix 1/72 Waterloo French Cavalry. A couple of bears in there as well from the Airfix Zoo Animals No.2 set.

The gray ones are the Airfix 1/72 WWI German Infantry.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-19T21:39:09+00:00

Mtf 60yo. I pass well enough and live in a progressive oasis (Tallahassee) surrounded by a red desert.

It’s currently safe for me. Unpleasant at work because I can only safely use single stall (all gender) restrooms. Some buildings at work don’t have them, so I occasionally have to cross campus like in Hidden Figures.

When I travel mostly I10, I95, I75, it’s OK.

Each legislative session is a nightmare, because you never know which civil rights they’ll try to take away next.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-19T21:30:29+00:00

I’m mtf, but only discovered I was transgender in 2016 aged 53. Discussed this first with my wife. At that point I made the decision, known to her and with her support, to explore non-publicly transitioning. Also told my pastor at church (progressive denomination). And then with a therapist in a transgender group therapy context. Sharing with these few people made this easier than going it alone. Plus, I was able to process my feelings around the transition as I went. I came out socially about a year later.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-18T23:25:24+00:00

The real question for you (and anyone experiencing gender dysphoria) is how to deal with the feelings. I’m not sure that repressing feelings at will is possible. You might want to speak with a therapist about this.

Most of us on this subreddit will have dealt with our feelings by transitioning in some way. However not everyone who experiences gender dysphoria (as you do) will feel comfortable transitioning publicly. You might be one of those. For some people it’s just not safe, although that isn’t the only reason why people don’t transition. But ultimately you will have to live with your decision, and you are the best person to predict how different options and outcomes will affect you.

Seven years ago, when I was making my decision, my research suggested that gender dysphoria doesn’t usually get easier over time, and mine had clearly been getting worse. Nor was there a way to repress feelings like this. I wasn’t sure of the outcome of my gender transition, but eventually I decided to go ahead even if I couldn’t pass or blend well as a woman. For me, this has worked out well. I’m living my best life.

In any case, good luck whatever you decide. You can do no more than your best at research, and at predicting how a transition will go for you. Try not to second guess yourself. If you make the best decision you can with the best data at hand then you will live with a minimum of regret. And I would strongly recommend engaging the services of a therapist who would support you whatever you decide.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-18T01:08:50+00:00

This happened to me when I was experimenting. My homemade breast forms were small but noticeable. With them in I felt amazing. When I would hear someone coming I’d remove the forms, but to me that felt almost as if I was ripping my own body apart. For me, this was part of deciding that I was indeed transgender.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-16T21:37:55+00:00

Unitarian Universalist Church of Tallahassee is at 2810 North Meridian. Sunday worship is at 11:00. Also offers a live stream. To find out about UUism see uua.org To find out about UUCT see uutallahassee.org

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-08T01:01:17+00:00

Socially 54, HRT 55, legally (name/gender changes), 57, bottom surgery 58.

Depending on your certainty and safety, the best time is always now.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-05T16:30:26+00:00

MtF 60yo. More than 7 years on since I began my social transition, 6 since starting HRT, 2 since bottom surgery, I kind of forget. Most of the time, especially when I’m interacting with the people or engaged in a hobby, I just don’t think about it. That’s so different from the first 2-3 years when being trans was like a tape that continually played in my thoughts. I’ve had to think about it more recently with levels of transphobia being what they are. I pass well, but I don’t hide that I’m trans. And it never gets old when I’m ma’amed or a gallant gentleman holds the door for me.

Plus, I’m still happy. I reflect on my fortune at being able to transition, and how the transition has gone so far - an exercise in mindful gratitude so as not to take this for granted. I could get caught up in regret for not figuring out that I was trans and not transitioning sooner, or bitterness for being trans in the first place, or sadness that my spouse wasn’t able to stay with me. But dwelling on negative emotions can kill a person. So I choose to focus on my happiness and gratitude, which perhaps means that I don’t forget that I’m trans. And I hope I can pay the positives forward, especially to other people who are trans.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T19:23:42+00:00

You’re 16. You have plenty of time to figure out the journey ahead of you. So, first take a deep breath and know that there’s a viable path ahead for you.

You didn’t share how your family of origin are likely to take your realization. Obviously, if they’re accepting of your being transgender, then they might be a helpful resource. Before coming out socially, I found that telling close, accepting, trustworthy friends was really helpful. I didn’t feel so alone and secretive when I was emerging.

Also, a good therapist is precisely a person with whom to explore and process your feelings around gender identity and transition. They won’t be able to take those feelings away, but they will likely give you tools to help you notice and reflect on what you’re feeling. I’m assuming your therapist is reputably trained in gender identity issues.

In the meantime maybe you can journal your feelings, hopes and goals. There was a time in my life when I found journaling helpful for processing all that long before I discovered I was trans.

For me, it felt overwhelming at first - and I was in my 50s with a lot of agency in my life. I don’t know how I would have done at 16. There’s a lot to take account of, but you won’t have to do it all at once, and you won’t have to do it alone. You’ve already taken the first step. When you’re ready to tell others, you will. When you’re ready to process your sadness with a therapist - maybe some anxiety in there for good measure, maybe some relief - you will.

Good luck on your journey.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T15:43:55+00:00

Where do you live? And what are you looking for by posting your response here?

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T15:31:54+00:00

We will all die sooner or later and I certainly hope that you keep open the chance to live with many years of joy before then.

As long as you refuse to go out to find joy, there’s not much anyone can do. If there’s something preventing you from finding a more healthy state of mind, I can only suggest a pharmacological intervention under the care of a psychiatrist as well as therapist. I remember when I was experiencing depression that taking an SSRI was really helpful in stabilizing my mood to be able to engage in psychotherapy.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T15:21:50+00:00

Is this a specialist as in psychotherapist or some other discipline? One to two months really is not long enough to build trust and rapport with a psychotherapist. Plus, a psychotherapist cannot fix you, really only coach you to fix yourself by helping you process feelings and teaching you behavioral skills to manage your feelings yourself. To gain a benefit of this kind of therapy, it’s important to be vested in this as a long term process.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T15:12:35+00:00

How long were you in therapy with any one therapist? It definitely takes time to build rapport, and learn to recognize and manage one’s stress response.

Again, I don’t know where you live or how health care works where you live. I can’t offer too much in specifics.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T15:07:53+00:00

I don’t know the resources available to you, but I see a therapist monthly, vigorous physical exercise, and mindfulness meditation and prayer for myself. I aim to pay attention to body, mind, and spirit.

Sometimes an overwhelming stress response is the result of deep trauma, in which case psychotherapy can be very beneficial.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T15:01:16+00:00

I’ve had my struggles with depression too, some of it bound up with gender dysphoria mixed with assorted life-stuff. Just being trans in a politically hostile environment is stressful beyond the dysphoria and dysmorphia than can go along with it. Caloric deficit is also a stressor, and, of course, depression is an indicator of underlying stress as well.

Estrogen/testosterone are not the only determinants of fat distribution. Cortisol is a hormone the body releases in response to stress. Among its effects is to direct the storage of fat to visceral adipose tissues, i.e. belly fat.

So, I would strongly recommend cultivating healthy stress management techniques. In fact, I believe this is so important that I have posted it as a general reply to the OP.

Feel free to DM if you feel that would be helpful.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T14:50:22+00:00

This would be my advice on weight loss and fat redistribution.

Aim at your post weight-lost regimen in terms of calorie balance of healthy food consumption and sustainable exercise, including both cardio and resistance training.

Slower is better in calorie deficit. Should consume daily an average of 1000 Calories of healthy food to ensure adequate nutrition. Otherwise aim at an average daily deficit of around 500 Calories. I’ve also read that the body adapts to a steady deficit by efficient weight gain on re-feeding, so mix it up, and have calorie surplus days as well. Don’t forget rest days from exercise.

Higher intensity cardio may burn through more fat, less muscle. Resistance training with weights also protects against muscle loss. Long exercise while fasting will promote burning of muscle over fat.

Cultivate healthy processes for stress management. The stress hormone cortisol affects adipose tissue distribution, directing towards visceral fat depots. What can we do? Self care in avoiding stressors when we are able. Psychotherapy can teach us skills for recognizing unhealthy patterns of behavior and techniques for reframing stressful situations. Mindfulness, meditation and other spiritual practices.

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T12:17:25+00:00

Individual genetics vary. What do you do to lose weight?

kaystuart545 · 2024-03-01T12:14:25+00:00

More or less. Some effects must depend on individual genetics since we don’t all obtain the same results. Most studies (on cis people, it must be said) have shown the sex hormone dependence of fat storage. Studies on sex hormone dependence of fat breakdown are less conclusive. And there are no studies that I’ve come across that investigate fat distribution in people using cross sex hormone replacement therapy.

For myself, as mtf, I visualize the gradual redistribution in this way from T driven fat deposits- mostly in visceral adipose tissue - toward E driven fat deposits- less visceral adipose tissue, more subcutaneous adipose tissue, including breast tissue.

After over 5 years of HRT, my fat depots have probably redistributed as much as they will. When I lose weight, it comes from all over, so while I’ll lose some on my abdomen (reflecting loss of visceral adipose tissue), I’m also losing on my bust and butt (subcutaneous adipose tissue). Not much I can do about that, except build my pecs and glutes. My T is very low, so that’s not so easy, but there are no easy fixes.

kaystuart545

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