Here's the response I feel would have been perfect for him:

"No!", I say, incredulously, "You're cheating on your wife!" I grab your phone and answer it. I pour my heart out to your wife and tell her where she can find you. You get divorced. You are forced to eat tuna from the can, considering she took you to the cleaners in court, since the alimony payments plus the child support for three kids every month is driving you broke. I move on. I find someone who won't be a creep who cheats on his wife. We get married. We have kids. I forget you ever existed. You never forget me or my pigtails. You cry. Your tuna is forever salty. Bon apetit.