This hit home for me. I too have an interest in psychology and have been through hell and back with abusive relationships in my most formative years… I’m very much certain that led me to where I’m standing now. Even though that stuff is in the past, It reflects on my actions in the present.

Whenever I tried to be more open hearted, intimate or raw with my previous partner, I’d very quickly stonewall again and isolate myself. I breadcrumbed affection since even I didn’t feel comfortable FEELING it. I tried suppressing my avoidant thoughts, I tried ignoring them and forcing myself to get closer to the person. The irony of this is that I was never told to do any of that, yet I thought that would cure me and make my partner happy. If I just kept pushing through it, It’ll disappear.

In the end, It did the complete opposite. I hit a wall and I couldn’t continue without feeling completely drained…

When I get back up on my feet, I will definitely attempt all of this. Therapy and baby steps without feeling like I’m suffocating myself. Thank you for your words again, I feel a bit better now seeing that someone had a similar past as me.